Porn Star(97)

And it will be. Just, there’s more, too. “I could do that. But…well, first of all, it’s a dead end if I stick with the work I’m doing. It’s not paying my bills and it’s not what I want to do for the long term. Staying in it doesn’t do anything to get me the future I want for myself.”

I pause to swallow before telling him the next part. The hard part. “The thing is, you say I’m good at leaving my heart out of things, and I thought I was too. I thought I was a person who understood how to separate the job from the emotions. But I’m not. I can’t. I can’t help but feel jealous every time you’re with someone else. Every time you go to work. I’m torn up and muddled, and I can’t even think straight because all I can see is your hands on Bambi—”

“I shouldn’t have had you stay and watch. That was—”

I go on as though he hadn’t interrupted, thinking of that awful tweet from yesterday. “And your mouth on Raven.”

“I will never have my mouth or my hands on Raven again.” He’s insistent and more than a little bit defensive. “I should have made that clear. She and I are over, and that means I won’t—” He pauses, an idea occurring to him. “Is this about the project she announced I’m doing with her? Because she just made that up. I’m not—”

“You’re not?” For half a second I’m relieved, but then I realize it’s not enough. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter, don’t you see? If it’s not Raven, it’s someone else. Because that’s what you do. You f*ck other people for a living, and I can’t deal with it.”

He takes half a step backward, his green eyes shrouded with hurt. “So what you’re really saying is you can’t do porn anymore because of me.”

“No, Logan. That’s not what I’m saying. I can’t do porn anymore because I want to be in a committed relationship with someone. I want to be in love and I want only one person in my bed. I don’t want to share. I don’t want to share you. Making work separate and businesslike isn’t going to fix that. I can’t have sex with other people when I’m in love with you. I can’t watch you have sex with other people either.”

“You want me to—?”

I cut him off, eager to make sure he understands I’m not asking what he thinks I am. “No. I don’t want you to quit. I don’t want you to be anything but who you are because that’s who I’m in love with. I want you to be happy doing what you do—and you are. And that’s why this is about me. I’m not happy with you doing what you do.”

He shakes his head as though dismissing what I’ve said, an expression of clear certainty settling on his strong, handsome face. “It’s because we’ve been doing this wrong. Like I said. We have to set things up differently between us, and it can work. I know relationships can work in this industry.”

“You know this because of your relationship with Raven? Because, far as I can tell, that didn’t work out so well.”

He tilts his head at me. “That’s not fair.”

I bite the inside of my lip and sigh. “You’re right. It’s not fair. And this has nothing to do with Raven or with any other relationship in this industry. Maybe they can work. For someone else. They don’t work for me.”

“We haven’t really given it much of a try.” There’s a hint of annoyance in his expression, but I get that he’s just fighting for me the best way he knows how.

I’m fighting for me too. “I have tried. I’ve tried enough to know that it’s only going to get worse from here on out. It’s only going to hurt more, the more I love you. And maybe I could eventually figure out how to be callous and bury those emotions, but quite frankly, that’s not who I want to be. That’s not who you want me to be.”

“Of course I don’t want you to be callous. You won’t be. You think it’s not hard for me too, when I picture you with Bruce douchecanoe Madden? It’s horrible. It drives me insane. You can’t imagine how I want to claw his eyes out.”

A spark of hope ignites inside me. “Really?” If he feels the same way, then maybe there’s a future for us I hadn’t imagined before.

He steps toward me, cupping my cheek in his hand. “Yes, really. I just need to tell you that more. That’s what I meant about setting boundaries.” He rubs his thumb over my lower lip, sending shivers down my spine. “And maybe we make up other rules like…” He glances up while he’s thinking then back at me. “Like there could be certain words we never use with other people and maybe we always have final approval on each other’s costars. Then we find things we never do with anyone else and we make sure that’s what we do together. Like we never sleep with anyone but each other—I mean actual sleep. And I want to be the only person who ever takes you to zombie movies.”

He’s so sweet and adorable and sure, and I want so much to be able to let go and trust his conviction.

“I love that you can see a relationship unfolding like this, Logan.” It’s heartbreaking to say, but it’s sincere. “It gives me hope that you’ll be able to find someone who will share those special things with you.”

“I have found someone.” His voice is tight, and for the first time I think he actually senses I might be ending this. He moves his hand to grip behind my neck. “We can be like this together.”