Porn Star(100)

I don’t have any scenes booked for today, thankfully, so I drive all the way down to El Segundo to see her. I shouldn’t be surprised when she’s not there, but I’m devastated all the same, and I wait on her porch step for her to come home. The autumn sun rises high and hot, and I get sweaty and uncomfortable but I don’t care. I want to suffer. I want to suffer for her.

She never comes home, though. It’s just me and my wretched thoughts until the sun sets over the ocean, and the sky fades into oranges and pinks.

And that’s when the ancient Volvo rattles into the driveway. A stocky older man with a black mustache and a full head of thick black hair gets out and then walks around the front to open the door for the woman inside. I recognize her immediately.

It’s Devi’s mother.

The couple comes up to the door and I stand, wiping my sweaty hands on my jeans and extending a hand to Mrs. Jones-Daryani to shake. She ignores it and pulls me straight into a hug, a tight one. For some reason that makes me want to cry again, but I manage to keep it together.

“Hi, Logan,” she says as she pulls away. “It’s so good to see you again. This is my husband, Davud Daryani.”

“Hi, Mrs. Jones-Daryani. Nice to meet you Mr. Daryani,” I greet them back. I look at the car hopefully, even though I already know it’s empty. “Is Devi coming or…?”

Sue gives me a pitying smile. “We came to get some clothes for her. She’s going to be staying with us for a while.”

I want to ask where they live, if I can come back with them, but even in my desperate state, I know that would be crossing a line. So I don’t. I just look at the ground and try not to cry in front of Devi’s parents.

“Davud,” Sue says softly, “why don’t you go inside and pack up some things for our boombalee? I want to talk with Logan for a minute.”

Davud nods, and before he walks in, he places a heavy hand on my shoulder. It should feel weird, the father of the girl who just dumped me touching me like this, but it doesn’t. Instead, I feel just a little bit stronger, just a little bit more clear-headed, as if he’s transmitted perspective and wisdom through my skin. And then he pats my shoulder and unlocks the apartment door, walking inside and leaving Sue and me on the porch.

And then it hits me, hits me hard.

This is real life. This is Devi’s parents gathering up her things and this is Devi not answering her phone, and this is me left broken-hearted for the second time this year, except this time it’s so much f*cking worse.

Devi and I are really over.

I sit back down on the porch and put my head in my hands, and I feel Sue sit next me, a musical chiming coming from all her anklets and bracelets as she does.

“Logan,” she says, laying a hand on my back. And again, it should feel weird being comforted by my ex-girlfriend’s parents but it’s not for some reason. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I f*cked up,” I say miserably. “I f*cked everything up.”

“Devi made a point to tell us that you didn’t do anything wrong,” Sue soothes me. “Porn just isn’t right for her. There’s a difference.”

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” I say, still staring at the ground. “The right thing for both of us. I was trying to be more like her—more logical and careful—and I thought we could make it work. Have each other and have porn at the same time.”

“Let me ask you something,” Sue says. “Deep down, is that what you really want? To have both?”

“Porn is my entire life,” I say defensively. “It paid for that car and for my house and my 401k. It’s the only thing I know.”

“That’s not what I asked,” Sue counters gently. “I asked what you wanted. Pretend that Devi would have been willing to stay, willing to continue doing porn. Is that what would have made you truly happy in the end?”

Yes, of course, I want to snap back, but the response is automatic and rehearsed. Because porn was my entire life, until I met Devi, and now I want my life to be more than just my job, no matter how amazing my job is. And I also know the reason I’m defensive right now is because I finally have to look all those haunting questions in the face after avoiding them for weeks, look at those questions and then look at the answers I already know deep down. The answers that I started to comprehend the first time Devi and I made love without the camera.

That I might only want Devi.

That I love her in a way I’ve never loved anyone else before.

That I want to give her all of me. All of me. Meaning I don’t give myself to anyone else.

Sue pats my shoulder again. “Your heart and your head chakra are stronger than before, Logan, which means you’re growing and learning. But no growth comes without sacrifice.”

And then she kisses my cheek and goes inside the apartment.



* * *



I know you want to hear that I stop doing porn right that day, that I swear it off and become immediately celibate, but that’s not what happens. Instead, the words Sue said to me only very gradually unfold into an epiphany. And as they unfold, I mindlessly and numbly continue life as before.

Well, not entirely as before.

I give up drinking altogether, sending Tanner home with my magnificent scotch collection one afternoon. I stop posting on social media, because I’m tired of faking a jovial happiness that I’ll never have again, and also all I want to do is stare at Devi’s feeds, hoping for a single post, a single tweet, one selfie. Anything to connect to. But there’s nothing, either from her or about her. When Raven left me, Twitter and Tumblr exploded with people chattering about it, bemoaning it, and yet after Devi leaves me, the f*cking love of my life, there’s complete silence about it on the Internet, because no one knew. It was only two months. And they were the best two months of my life.