Paradise Found: Cain (Paradise #2)(88)

I found my home empty of her but took relief that all her things were still present. I liked to believe we had passed the stage of her packing up and leaving, but I had to admit, if she told me not to touch her and left, I would have deserved it. It would have crushed me, but at this point, it was my fault, despite my accusations. My words were harsh and unwarranted. They were said in haste and panic, and I hated myself for them. I showered quickly, worried I’d miss a call from either the hospital or Sofie. She hadn’t tried to contact me in the twenty-four hours I’d been away, and as much as I deserved that too, it made me sad to think I’d pushed her away. I’d gone too far. I couldn’t admit that what I really needed was her understanding. A tactile creature; her hands on me were the assurance I craved most and the tool that would break me.

I laid down, thinking I would close my eyes for only a moment. The bed was so soft, the comfort pulling me under. I fell into a dream state, where images of my father haunted me: forcing me to bend over his desk to belt me, telling me to stand up to take another as he slapped me, slamming me into a wall to emphasize his point. It got harder as I grew to follow through on each of these tasks. The day I shoved him back, he called me a man, but the guilt I had that I’d pushed my father ate away at me. It made me hard, harder than I’d been before. I decided never to love. I had long let go of my mother. I kept Kursch and Abel at arm’s length. My father was another story; I wanted to please him. I wanted to make him proud. That pride came when I showed I was him. Then I fought back. I didn’t want to be him. I couldn’t devour my own children like that. I also swore that day that I would never have them. What kind of father would I be, as the only role model I had was Atom?

Then I thought of Kursch. He was the one to take me fishing. He assembled my first bike. He drove me to school. We never discussed what happened with my father. It was like his actions spoke volumes that his silence couldn’t break. He tried to instill wisdom on women, which I never took, until I met Sofie. He was both mother and father, when biologically he was neither. Warmth surrounded me at thoughts of Kursch. Eventually, I drifted off into deeper sleep.

I awoke with a start and startled at the arm draped over my waist. With relief, the ring on the third finger told me who it was. I turned only slightly to see Sofie sleeping behind me. My twist must have woken her because she retracted her arm instantly and sat up. Her hair was going in different directions and I had the strangest déjà vu moment of the first time I saw her in my bed. She sat on my bed at the inn, with her signature red t-shirt hugging her curves. Presently, she was dressed in a similar manner. I’d jumped to conclusions as to what had happened between us back then and exposed myself, literally.

She turned to look at me over her shoulder presently.

“You were making noises in your sleep,” she offered without prompting.

“What happened?”

“Kursch was stabbed,” she stated slowly, pinching her eyebrows at me.

“No, I mean, how did you get in bed with me?”

“You don’t remember?” she questioned, looking down at me in that same way, she looked at me more than a year ago. My heart leapt at the memory, although I recalled what I did next.

“Okay, sweetheart, one more for the road,” I said, pushing down the sheet to expose my fully erect dick. He stood up straight and tall in attention, as he always did when she was near.

She glared at me as only she could do. Those tender lakes of blue turned instant icy pond. Her sexy red-rimmed glasses with that pout was all that was needed to complete the look. I’d lose it all over this bed without her ever touching me.

Ignoring me, she slipped to the end of the bed and hopped off. That tight red t-shirt rode up her back, exposing sweet skin that I loved above skinny jeans. She flipped her hair like I’d seen her do and twisted it into an elastic band. When she crossed to the side of the bed, my heart dropped. This is where history would not repeat.

Naked and exposed, I leapt for her, dragging her down on top of me.

“Don’t do it.”

“Don’t do what?” she choked as I squeezed her.

“Don’t tell me it was fun while it lasted, then walk away.”

“What are you even talking about?” she giggled, hesitantly.

“That’s how it happened. You took off the ring and walked out the door.”

She stared down at me as I held her in a vice grip against my bare chest. Her hands were placed on my pecs, pushing herself upward to look at me, but I wasn’t letting her go.

“Kursch didn’t stop you,” I softened. “I told him to go after you, but he didn’t.”

She continued to stare.

“He told me right then you were too good for me. I deserved you, deserved good in my life, he said. But you just seemed too good for me.”

Her eyes widened.

“I hurt you and I’m sorry,” I swallowed hard. “I didn’t mean to do it. I was … scared.” I swallowed again and blinked. “Kursh is like …”

“Shhh,” she said, stroking my cheek.

“And if you got too close to me…” I tried to continue, but my voice cracked.

“I know,” she soothed.

“You’d break me,” I whispered. Her mouth tenderly came to mine, a soft delicate brushing of the lips.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said. “I wanted to help you, hold you,” she breathed softly.