One To Watch(46)
SFX: DOORBELL (ding-dong!)
VOICEOVER
We’ll find out what Bea was like as a child.
INSERT FOOTAGE: INTERVIEW WITH BEA’S PARENTS
BEA’S MOM, SUE
Beatrice never brought home any boys. We even thought for a while she might be gay, didn’t we, Bob?
VOICEOVER
We’ll see what her family thinks about her suitors.
INSERT FOOTAGE: INTERVIEW WITH BEA’S BROTHERS
BEA’S BROTHER TIM
I’ve never trusted a Frenchman in my life, and I’m not about to start.
VOICEOVER
And we’ll find out the real reason Asher wouldn’t kiss Bea on their last date—the answer will shock you.
INSERT FOOTAGE: BEA AND ASHER IN HER FAMILY’S BACKYARD
ASHER
Bea, I need to tell you, about that night …
INSERT FOOTAGE: BEA’S SISTER-IN-LAW TINA GASPS DRAMATICALLY.
VOICEOVER
Don’t miss a moment of the Main Squeeze family feud, this Monday at eight, only on ABS.
TRANSCRIPT OF BOOB TUBE PODCAST
EPISODE #052
Cat:
Hey, this is Cat!
Ruby:
And this is Ruby.
Cat:
And this is Boob Tube. This week, we have a really exciting episode—we’re doing a deep dive into the feminine archetypes on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and deciding which modern characters best carry those torches.
Ruby:
I’m still waiting for another Willow.
Cat:
So say we all. But before we get into that, we need to return to the land of reality TV, because one of us is having a lot of feelings and opinions about this week’s episode of Main Squeeze.
Ruby:
Someone needs to speak the truth about how Asher is the WORST.
Cat:
You’re wrong—he’s so smart and cute with his big glasses!
Ruby:
He’s every Brooklyn intellectual fuckboy who holds women to impossible standards but considers it beneath him to pick up the phone and schedule a second date.
Cat:
Noooo, Asher is legit!
Ruby:
Then why didn’t he kiss Bea at the museum?
Cat:
He’s old-fashioned! He’s a gentleman who wants to know it’s real before he lets things get physical.
Ruby:
That interpretation is generous bordering on delusional—I think he has a secret girlfriend.
Cat:
What?! Asher would never.
Ruby:
He’s definitely hiding something—and, if I may be so bold, your defense of him is obviously grounded in the fact that you personally want to bone him.
Cat:
How DARE you.
Ruby:
Am I wrong?
Cat:
No, of course not. Okay, since I’m clearly biased, who’s your pick for Bea?
Ruby:
TEAM SAM, BITCHES!
Cat:
Seriously? He’s a child!
Ruby:
He’s smart and handsome and full of joie de vivre.
Cat:
He’s unemployed and lives with his parents.
Ruby:
He likes Bea for who she is and doesn’t drag her into his bullshit.
Cat:
Does Sam have any bullshit? Does he have any anything? He’s twenty-four, what does he know about life?
Ruby:
Wow.
Cat:
What?
Ruby:
I’ve just never heard you sound that old before.
Cat:
Okay, okay, so we’ve clearly drawn some lines in the sand. I’m with Asher, you’re with Sam. But what say you about Luc?
Ruby:
Ugh, I hate myself for how much I want to kiss him.
Cat:
Right?? He’s so cheesy, why do I like him so much?
Ruby:
There’s something really appealing about how self-aware he is. Like, sure, I’m a cartoonishly handsome French guy seducing you with food, but aren’t you enjoying it? And I’m like, yeah, Luc, you know what? I am enjoying it.
Cat:
I’m really looking forward to him and Bea getting to spend more time together now that she seems to have found a little more confidence.
Ruby:
Wait—I have a question. Whatever happened to Wyatt? Bea was so into him the first night—is she gonna go out with him or what?
Cat:
This is actually a pretty typical move on shows like this—when there’s an instant connection between two people, the producers often keep them apart for as long as possible to try and give the other contestants a chance to catch up. But I’d be very surprised if we don’t see some quality time for Bea and Wyatt in the next episode or two.
Ruby:
Oooh, a new player on the board. I’m into it.
Cat:
So Ruby, we know from the promos that this week Bea is bringing her ten remaining suitors home to meet her family in Ohio—that’s a pretty serious step. It begs the question: Is there a legit chance Bea will marry one of these guys?