One Night to Risk It All(30)

“But he was,” Alex said, feeling the need to justify himself. “He was.”

“Or maybe he just had his moments? Like you said, what happened with me...it wasn’t your best.”

“No,” he said.

“It wasn’t mine, either. But I don’t think it was my worst. Well, it depends on how you look at it. It wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It was definitely the worst thing I’ve done. Because I didn’t keep my promises, and that was... That wasn’t right of me.”

“What was the worst thing?” he asked, his throat getting so tight he could scarcely breathe.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, what I should do is run and check on Alana.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I want to. I want to be a part of your life. And I’m frustrated because I’m not really sure how to accomplish that beyond lying to you.”

A crease dented her forehead. “What would you say?”

“What?”

“If you were going to lie to try and keep me in your life, what would you say?”

He looked at her, at her flawless face and the deep blue eyes that carried a wealth of depth and hurt behind them. Hurt he didn’t want to add to, even though he knew he already had.

“I would tell you that I loved you. That my life would be nothing without you. That I needed you. More than my next breath.”

Her blue eyes shimmered, tears pooling in them and he wished for a second that what he said could be true. But he didn’t know how to feel those things.

And even if he could...

He would never risk them.

For some reason that resolution pushed forward an image of a baby. A squalling, delicate newborn whose cries screamed need. Need for him.

It made his chest feel strange. Tight and heavy. A strange sort of helplessness crept around the edges. The kind he hadn’t felt since he was a boy, surrounded by evil he knew he could never combat.

And the people who should have been protecting them—protecting him—they were the monsters.

There was no hopelessness deeper than that. And he’d felt it every day, a feeling that had only intensified the day he’d learned the truth. The day he’d run.

And now you’re going to be a father.

The thought was enough to buckle his knees. To send him straight to the ground.


“Well,” she said, bursting through the haze of his thoughts, “that would certainly be dramatic.” She swallowed visibly. “And of course I wouldn’t believe you.”

“Wise. That’s what you call learning from your mistakes.”

She flinched. “I suppose so. Now, I’m going to go and deal with Alana’s crisis. Alone, actually. Yes, I’m going alone, so find something to amuse yourself.”

“Did you just tell me to amuse myself?”

“Yeah. I can give you some spending money if you like.”

He frowned. “You need it more than I do. But your attempts at flippancy over the past week have been amusing. If flawed.”

“As have been your attempts at being a decent human being. All right. I’m going.”

“Where is her shop?”

“I’ll text you.”

“And I’ll find it. When should I expect you back?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“When I’m back.”

“So I won’t know if you’ve been backed into an alley by the paparazzi or if you’re just running late? That doesn’t work for me. Estimate a time or at least give me your location.”

“Are you...worried about me?”

“The baby,” he bit out, the word making his stomach ache.

“Well, of course. That’s what I meant.”

“Yes,” he said.

“Thanks. I’m... Thank you. I’m going to go. I’ll be back here by seven. If I’m not, I’ll text you.”

He nodded and watched her walk back out of the room, his stomach flipping over itself. Maybe he should be thankful for her refusal to marry him. What did he know about being a father? What did he know about being a husband?

All he knew was that he felt a need to be close to her. To protect her. And he knew, with a total certainty, that he would feel that way about the baby.

He meant to offer them protection. But he had no idea who would protect them from him. No, he would never harm them with his hands. But...

He had always pictured Ajax’s veins being filled with black poison. When he’d been a boy and he or Nikola would walk past him, it was a strong vision he’d had. That they were something different than men. That if you cut them, evil would pour out. They exuded it. How could it not be a physical thing beneath their skin?

And then he’d found out the truth.

If their blood was black, then his was, too.

Because it was the same blood.

Worse, he’d seen Ajax lose that legacy. Had seen him walk away and create a new life. He’d seen his mother, desperate to cling to the man she’d loved.

The men he’d always considered evil seemed to have no trouble binding people to them.

The same legacy had been coursing through his veins since birth, and yet no one had ever chosen to stay with him.