One More for Christmas(61)

“No hurry.”

“Go—” he held her gaze “—seize the moment.”

He was encouraging her to spend quality time with her mother, and that was probably a good idea, particularly as everything was going so well.

“Where’s Samantha?”

“Last seen vanishing into the library—great library by the way—for a meeting, and then I think the plan is that Brodie is going to take her round the estate so they can discuss business.”

Was her sister still angry with her? And how did she feel about spending the whole day with Brodie? Had she managed to get past the embarrassment of their earlier exchange?

“I’ll wait until Tab finishes the snowdog.”

“Go. I’ve got this.” He tugged her toward him and kissed her.

“No kissing.” Tab pressed two small stones into the dog’s face. “They’re always kissing, Nanna.”

Ella, remembering her mother’s presence, stepped away.

Michael handed Tab a twig for the dog’s tail. “Daddy loves Mommy. Nothing wrong with kissing.”

“It’s yucky.”

“Yucky? You think it’s yucky?” Michael made growling monster sounds and leaned in to kiss Tab’s neck.

She squealed and tried to escape, giggling so hard she fell backward into the snow.

He scooped her up and Ella shook her head, torn between laughter and exasperation.

“Now she’s covered in snow, Michael.”

“And she loves it.”

Ella brushed the snow from Tab’s coat, removed her scarf and wrapped it around her daughter’s neck. “You need this to keep warm.” She caught sight of her mother’s face and saw a look of such intense pain that she stopped breathing. Even when she’d been in the hospital, Gayle had seemed strong and in control. Her mother’s reaction to life was so combative and gladiatorial and she so rarely showed her feelings that Ella had at some point assumed she didn’t have them. What had caused that reaction? Was it seeing Ella and Michael with Tab?

“Mom?” She said it gently and then louder because her mother didn’t seem to hear her. Finally Gayle blinked.

“Sorry? What did you say?”

“I—Nothing.” She couldn’t probe more deeply into her mother’s emotions with Tab so close by. It was something to be done in private. “You’re right, Michael. I’m starving. You finish off here with Tab. Mom and I will go and eat breakfast and we’ll see you in a while.”

She turned and started to trudge through the snow, her mother keeping pace by her side.

How should she handle this? It wasn’t as if she and her mother usually shared anything emotional. How should she start this conversation?

Hey, Mom, just now you looked as if your child had died in front of you. What’s that about?

Her mother spoke first. “He seems like a good father.”

“Michael? He’s amazing. Fun. Interested. Tab is lucky.”

“Mmm. Is he good to you?”

“To me? Of course. Why would you ask that?”

“Why wouldn’t I? You’re my daughter. Your welfare doesn’t stop being important to me, even though you’re an adult and married.”

“I should have told you about Tab. And Michael.”

“I wish you had, but I understand why you didn’t.” Gayle turned up the collar of her coat. “I don’t blame you.”

“You...don’t?”

“No. I handled our last meeting badly. I hurt you, and I’m sorry for it. All I’ve ever wanted was to protect you and your sister. I don’t expect you to understand that.”

“Then help us understand it.” Ella stopped walking. They were five minutes from the house and she didn’t want a conversation this important to be interrupted. “What were you protecting us from, exactly? Is it because of Dad? I don’t understand how it feels to lose the person you love so young, but I do understand how it feels to want to protect your child.” Maybe that was common ground. A good place to start.

Gayle glanced back toward Tab and Michael. “You must have been pregnant that last time we met.”

“Yes.” Was her mother going to simply ignore her question?

“It explains why you were so emotional, and why Samantha was so protective.”

Exasperation licked at the edges of her patience. “I was emotional because—” You upset me. Keep it neutral. No accusations. “The conversation upset me.”

“I was concerned about you. You didn’t seem able to settle at anything. Before you trained as a teacher, you had four different jobs in two years.”

“But those jobs helped me figure out what I wanted. And what I wanted to be was a teacher. I know I disappointed you. You wanted me to be a doctor, or a lawyer.”

“I wanted you to be secure and financially independent. And you didn’t disappoint me. You scared me.”

“Scared you?” They stood there, shoulder to shoulder, and yet the distance between them felt huge.

“You’re a mother.” Gayle turned to look at her. “You must understand how it feels to be afraid for your child. You want to protect them from the world, but deep down you know you can’t protect them and the next best thing is to make sure you equip them to fight whatever life sends through the door. I tried to give you those tools. I made sure you could swim. I taught you to read, so that by the time you started school you were already an independent reader. I took you to martial arts classes so that you could handle yourself with confidence.”