One Day in December(91)

He reaches for my other hand and looks at me imploringly. ‘Don’t say no straight away. I know it’s out of the blue, but I’ve been thinking about this all day and it’s the right thing for us to move out there, I’m sure of it. You, me and the baby too, soon. Brussels is a gorgeous city, Laurie, you’ll love it, I promise.’

I stare at him, shell-shocked. ‘But my job …’

He nods. ‘I know, I know. But you’d have to give up work for the baby, anyway; this way you get to take your pregnancy off too.’

‘Would I? What if I wanted to go back to work?’ I don’t know yet that I do, but how dare he just decide for me? How typically old school of him to assume that I’ll be a stay-at-home mum. And how silly of me, I realize, to not have talked to him about this before.

He frowns, as if I’m throwing up unnecessary obstacles. ‘Well, there are plenty of jobs out there too. But honestly, Laurie, I’ll be earning so much you won’t need to … Think about it, please,’ he says, pressing on without giving me a chance to speak. ‘You can drink coffee – well, mint tea – in the square, and wander by the river. We can get to know the city before he or she is born, it’ll be like when we first met. There’s loads of expats, you’d make tons of friends.’

I feel completely railroaded, and furious that I don’t seem to hold any of the cards. I’m well aware that his earnings are more than enough to support a family, whereas mine are barely enough to support myself, but he seems to have made all of his assumptions without any thought for my wishes, as if my job is a hobby rather than a career. I don’t know what to say or what to think. I’m truly glad for Oscar that his hard work and long hours are being recognized, but I don’t want to leave my job or London or my life. It’s not fair that his success should mean I lose so much I hold dear.

‘Did you genuinely expect me to say yes just like that?’ I say, incredulous. He’s not a man given to thoughtlessness; I can only imagine that his excitement overrode his usual common sense.

‘I expected you to consider it, at least,’ he says, stung. ‘You must know how much it means to me.’

‘And I thought you knew how much my job means to me, too, how much I want to be around for my mum,’ I shoot back. ‘Isn’t there a position they can offer you here in London? Why does it have to be in Brussels? It’s unreasonable to ask it of you. Of us.’

‘I think they see it as a reward rather than a penalty.’ Petulance creeps into his voice as he sighs and shakes his head, impatient. ‘Can’t you see that too?’

I flick my eyes away from him, because he’s making me feel like I’m being unreasonable and without good reason.

‘Don’t you think our families would miss us?’ I change tack. ‘Your mum would hate seeing so much less of you, and what happens when there’s a baby in the mix too?’ I can’t keep the note of defiance from my voice. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am by his flowers and celebrations approach. We’re married, we need to make these decisions together, regardless of who the main earner is. ‘I don’t want to be in a different country to my mum when I have a baby, Oscar. She loves being a gran, I want her to be involved.’

We stare at each other, at an impasse. We never used to argue; now it’s all we seem to do.

‘It’s not fair to just drop it on me like this and expect me to be thrilled,’ I say. ‘I need some time to think about it.’

He sets his jaw, his dark eyes full of consternation. ‘I don’t have more time. This is banking, Laurie, you know how fast things move. Brantman wants an answer on Monday morning, and the only possible answer I can give him is yes, because if I say no, then what’s the fucking point of me working there at all?’ He throws his hands up, a helpless gesture. ‘My career at the bank will be done for; you don’t last in a place like that by being complacent and unambitious.’

I shake my head, reeling at the injustice of being cast as the bad guy.

‘I’m going to have a shower,’ he says, jerking his chair back. He pauses for a moment, as if he expects me to offer an apology, and I sigh and look away until he leaves the room. It’s becoming painfully clear that it’s wishful thinking to believe Oscar ever hoped to stay true to the man I met on a beach in Thailand. Perhaps he didn’t realize it himself back then, but this hectic commuter life of deals, dinners and boardrooms is exactly where he belongs. But more than that. It’s where he wants to be.





13 June


Laurie


It’s one minute past midnight, which means my period is one day late. Oscar left for Belgium on a particularly sour note yesterday, after spending the entire weekend trying to railroad me, which only made me dig my heels in more.

It’s now officially Monday, and he’s no doubt officially a director, and I’m officially late. I curl into a ball on my side and screw my eyes shut. I’m officially deeply lonely.





16 June


Laurie


‘I’ve bought a pregnancy test.’

‘Have you done it yet?’ It’s five in the evening here and two in the morning in Perth, but Sarah’s wide awake. I’m an unheard of four days late now, and she was the first person I told.