On Dublin Street(85)

You don’t have a choice. “I can’t do this with you.”


“Why?”


“I just can’t.”


“Then I don’t accept that.”


I struggled in his arms, glaring up at him. “If I break up with you, you have to accept it!”


Fire-breathing Braden appeared almost instantly. “No, I f*cking don’t!”


“Hey, you alright there?” a drunk guy drew our attention and we jerked our heads around. He was squinting at me and Braden locked together and it suddenly occurred to me that we were arguing on George Street on a Friday night where there were still people around to hear us.


“We’re fine,” Braden told him calmly, still not letting me go.


The drunk guy looked at me. “You sure about that?”


Not wanting this to descend into a fight—the last thing Braden needed right now—I nodded. “We’re cool.”


The drunk eyed us again and then deciding we could work it out ourselves, he turned around and started hailing for a cab.


I glared back at Braden. “Let me go.”


“No.”


“You can’t caveman you’re way out of this.” I couldn’t meet his gaze as the pain and the lies bubbled up out of me. “I care about you, Braden, I do. You’re my friend. But this has gone on too long.”


“You’re afraid. I get it,” he bent to murmur comfortingly in my ear. “I know why you ran today, and I know why you’re running now. But shit happens, babe, there’s no protecting against it. You also can’t let it take over your life and rule your relationships with people. We need to enjoy the time we have, however long it’s going to be. Stop running.”


He should you have been a therapist.


I tried to let me body relax, and I ignored the horrendous churning in my stomach. “That’s why I’m ending it. Life is short. We should be with the people we love.”


Braden froze against me and I waited breathless, hoping for the strength to continue the lie. Slowly, he pulled away from me, his eyes hard as he gazed into mine. “You’re lying.”


Yes. I’m lying, babe. But I won’t survive you. And worse, you won’t survive me. “I’m not. I don’t love you, and after everything you’ve been through you deserve someone who loves you.”


His arms fell away from me, but not even like he meant to let go. He looked shocked. I think he was in shock. I took the opportunity to step back from him, afraid if I stayed close, I’d eventually let go of my steely resolve and tell him I was such a goddamn liar and I didn’t want him to ever let me go.


But I’d been selfish enough for one day.


“You love me,” he argued, his voice soft, low. “I’ve seen it.”


I gulped and forced myself to meet his eyes. “I care about you, but there’s a big difference.”


For a moment, I wasn’t sure if he was going to say anything, and then his eyes dulled and he gave me a sharp nod. “Alright then.”


“You’re letting me go?”


He curled his upper lip, his expression painfully bitter as he took a step back from me. “Apparently… I never had a hold of you.” He turned sharply, and without another word began striding down the street into the dark.


Braden never once looked back and that was a good thing.


If he had, he’d have seen Jocelyn Butler crying real tears for the first time in a long time, and he would have known that I’d lied. And lied big. For anyone who saw me, knew they were watching a heart in the process of it breaking.


***


“I don’t think that’s the healthiest thing you’ve ever done, Joss, do you?” Dr. Pritchard asked quietly, her brows drawn together.


“It was the best thing I’ve ever done.”


“Why do you think that?”


“If I tell Braden the truth, that I love him, he will never back down. He’s tenacious like that. And then he might spend the rest of his life with me.”


“And that would be a bad thing?”


“Well, yeah,” I responded irritably. “Did you not hear what I did to Ellie and him? I am so terrified of losing again that I pull shit like that.”


“Yes, but you’re aware now that that’s what you do. That’s a step in the right direction.”


“No it’s not. I have issues a mile long and I can’t promise that I won’t do that to him, over and over again. That’s not fair to him. Braden’s trust was broken once before by a woman he thought he loved. If I stayed with him and kept pulling that crap, I’d be breaking his trust over and over again. And he doesn’t deserve that.”


Dr. Pritchard cocked her head to the side. “That’s not up to you to decide. Surely that’s up to Braden to decide. And you don’t know for sure if you would keep pulling that crap, as you say. Being with Braden might help you through it. He might help you.”


“It didn’t help. Being with him didn’t help.”