On Dublin Street(83)

“Jocelyn?” Braden grabbed my arm, his eyes full of apprehension and fear. And disbelief at my attitude. He needed me.


I didn’t want to need him.


I tugged my arm back gently and gave him a brittle smile. “I’ll see you both later.”


And then I walked out, leaving them alone with their fears.


***


I didn’t go to the gym. I went to Edinburgh Castle before it closed. The walk up the Royal Mile to Castlehill was brisk and frosty, the cold biting into my cheeks, my lungs seeming to work extra hard against the winter air. Once I crossed the drawbridge, I paid for my ticket, and then strolled under the stone arch and took the pebbled walkway that swept upwards on the right. I headed on up the main thoroughfare, and sketched right to the castle walls. There I stopped, standing by Mons Meg, one of the world’s oldest cannons, and together we stared out over the city. Even in the slightly misty frost, the city was breathtaking from here. I paid the not so inexpensive entry fee to the castle just for this view. And I guess for the majesty of it all. It was where I believed I could find a little peace, and I did this whenever I panicked about never, ever finding the long-lasting peace I sought. Today I needed this.


Blazing through the last few months, burying my head in the sand, pretending there weren’t consequences to loving people, had gotten me where I was. Only six months of making the change into the ‘new me’ and the floor had been ripped out from underneath me again.


That was selfish.


I knew that.


Ellie was the one suffering here, not me.


But that wasn’t true either.


Ellie Carmichael was one of a kind. She was sweet, kind, sort of goofy, funny, big-hearted… and my family. The first family I’d had since losing my own. I felt protective of her, I hurt when she hurt, I thought about her happiness, and what I could to do to help her get whatever would make her happy. Not even my relationship with Rhian had been as close.


I was almost as close with Ellie as I had been with Dru.


And now I was going to lose Ellie as well.


I sunk down to the ice-cold stone ground beside the cannon and wrapped my arms around my body in an effort to choke out the pain. It occurred to me that if I rewrote it all in my head, then maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe, Ellie and I weren’t that close. Maybe we never had been. If that were true, then losing her would be okay.


I jumped suddenly at the sound of my cell ringing. Stomach leaden with dread, I pulled it out and exhaled in relief when I saw it was Rhian calling.


“Hey,” I answered hoarsely.


“Yo, bitch,” Rhian called down the line, sounding surprisingly chipper. “How’s it hanging? I’m just calling to let you know that James and I are flying into Edinburgh in three days and then heading through to Falkirk to stay with his mum over Christmas. We’re going to nip into see you before we get the train, so I need your address, hon.”


Awful timing. “Things are kind of weird at the apartment at the moment. Can I meet you for coffee instead?”


“Jesus, Joss, you sound like hell. Is everything okay?”


I don’t want to talk about it over the phone. “I’ll explain when I see you. Coffee?”


“Yeah, okay,” she still sounded worried, “The coffee shop in the bookstore on Princes Street. Three o’ Clock, Monday.”


“See you then.” I hung up, my eyes scanning the view and then travelling upwards into the white clouds with their pale bellies and grumpy faces. It was just a vast array of weightless, floating fluff. Their bellies weren’t dark or heavy.


Without the weight, there was no rain.


***


Jo grabbed me before I could take my next customer’s order and she tugged me all the way back into the staff room. Her hands flew to her hips, her eyebrows drawn together. “You’re acting really weird.”


I shrugged, enjoying the blanket of numbness I’d found and promptly wrapped around myself. “I’m just tired.”


“No.” Jo took a step forward, her face etched with concern. “There’s something going on here with you, Joss. Look, I know we’re not really close, but you’ve always been there for me when I go on and on about my problems, so if you need to talk to me, I’m here.”


I don’t want you to be there for me. “I’m fine.”


She shook her head. “You’ve got this, like, dead look in your eyes, Joss. You’re scaring the crap out of me and Craig. Has something happened? Did something happen with Braden?”


No. And it’s not going to. “No.”


“Joss?”


“Jo, it’s really busy out there, can we not do this?”


She flinched and then bit her lip uneasily. “Okay.”


I nodded and spun on my heel, heading back into the bar to get on with it. I saw Jo sidle up to Craig and whisper something to him. His head whipped around to stare at me.


“Joss, what the f*ck is going on with you, sweetheart?”


I flipped him off as an answer.


Craig shot Jo a look. “I don’t think she wants to talk about it.”