Off Sides(40)

She looks confused. "What? Of course I do."

"Then one more time...I am not going to be with Angeline...ever again. So stop shoving her down my throat. You're doing nothing more than hurting her because you build up her expectations and I'm tearing them down. Just give it a break."

My mother swallows hard but her voice is firm. "Fine. I hear you. I'll stop throwing Angeline at you. No matter. There are plenty of acceptable women in this area."

I can feel my control slipping so I take another deep breath and exhale it out slowly. "Forget about other women for a minute. I want you to tell me how and why you convinced Danny to break up with me."

Watching her reaction carefully, I was rewarded. It was only there for a brief moment, but I clearly saw it flash across her face. At first I thought it was guilt but then I realized this was my mother we were talking about and she would never feel guilty about hurting my relationship with Danny. No, what I saw was pure culpability. She panicked for a split second thinking I had something on her before she could school her features back into impassivity.

"I have no clue what you’re talking about, Ryan." She sounds affronted but it also sounds hollow to me.

"Don't lie to me, Mother."

"I'm not lying to you and don't you accuse me of that. It's disrespectful and I'll not tolerate that behavior from my children."

"Tell me the truth!" I yell.

I'm frustrated beyond measure and I need for her to tell me that my suspicions are correct. Because if she verifies that for me, that means I have a chance to get Danny back.

My mother stands up. "We are done with this conversation. I suggest you leave and not come back until you can show me some respect."

Turning on her heel she walks toward the door.

I try one last tactic. "If you ever even had a small measure of love for me, I'm begging you mom...please tell me the truth." My words are soft and pleading.

She pauses for just a second and I think she might turn around and tell me what I want to know, but then she continues walking toward the door and doesn't look back.

Defeated, I leave my house and I doubt I'll be returning. The painful realization that my mother doesn't care enough about me to want my happiness is starting to sink in. It’s amazing how much this hurts, given the fact that I have never been very close to my parents in the first place. I guess there was a part of me that believed that some nurturing, maternal instinct would spring forth from Celia Burnham. Sadly, the fact that I was pretty much raised by our nanny should have clued me in and lowered my expectations.

***

I’m back at the frat house and lying on my bed. Hands clasped behind my head, I need to figure out what my next move will be with Danny. My main problem is in making contact with her since she won’t return my calls. I suppose I can stalk her at Sally’s or at her apartment, but I’m leery of doing that until I know for sure what I’m going to say. I think this is a one-shot deal with Danny and I don’t want to screw it up.

I’ll have to admit I’m a little hurt she won’t return my calls. I understand my mother, in all likelihood, did something atrocious to scare Danny off. But there is that one small part of me that wishes Danny cared about me enough that we could have at least remained friends.

Running through a mental list of all of the things I want to say to Danny, I’m startled when someone knocks on my door.

“Come in.”

The door creaks open and my sister, Emily, peaks her head in. I’m stunned she’s here. We are not very close but we do tolerate each other. As far as I can remember, I don’t think she’s ever been to visit me here on campus.

"Hey,” I say. “What are you doing here?"

She shrugs her shoulders and doesn’t say anything but she does walk in and shuts the door. She’s dressed in designer jeans and a lightweight sweater. Her dark hair is pulled up into a ponytail and I suddenly realize how pretty she is. She’s going to break someone’s heart one day.

After looking around the room, she finally sits on Mike’s bed with her hands clasped in her lap.

“Can I ask you something?” she begins.

I sit up on the bed and turn to face her. I have no clue where this is going and it’s a bit surreal. If I had to bet money, Mother has sent her here to do some reconnaissance.

“Sure,” I tell her.

“Do you really love this girl, Danny?” She says Danny’s name with a little bit of distaste but I also hear genuine curiosity. It’s like love is a foreign concept to her, and maybe it is. I have no clue if Emily has ever been in love or if she is even dating someone. It makes me realize that I don’t know much about her at all.

“I love Danny very much.” I don’t offer more because, again, I have no clue why she is here and I have to assume it’s on Mother’s behalf.

Emily looks down at her hands and she nervously twirls a dainty sapphire ring she is wearing. She looks back up at me. “Would you tell me why?”

This time there is nothing in her tone other than a pleading to understand something that might be beyond her concept. Maybe Emily is here because she’s maturing past the elitist brat I’ve always assumed her to be.

I take a deep breath and give her a wistful smile. “Okay. Let’s see. Do you want the list numerically or alphabetically?”