Normal People(28)

No, you’d be great, obviously. You’re great at everything you do.

She smiled. You wouldn’t have to be involved, she said.

Well, I would support you, whatever you decided.

He didn’t know why he was saying he would support her, since he had virtually no spare income and no prospect of having any. It felt like the thing to say, that was all. Really he had never considered it. Marianne seemed like the kind of straightforward person who would arrange the whole procedure herself, and at most maybe he would go with her on the plane.

Imagine what they’d say in Carricklea, she said.

Oh, yeah. Lorraine would never forgive me.

Marianne looked up quickly and said: Why, she doesn’t like me?

No, she loves you. I mean she wouldn’t forgive me for doing that to you. She loves you, don’t worry. You know that. She thinks you’re much too good for me.

Marianne smiled again then, and touched his face with her hand. He liked that, so he moved towards her a little and stroked the pale underside of her wrist.

What about your family? he said. I guess they’d never forgive me either.

She shrugged, she dropped her hand back into her lap.

Do they know we’re seeing each other now? he said.

She shook her head. She looked away, she held her hand against her cheek.

Not that you have to tell them, he said. Maybe they’d disapprove of me anyway. They probably want you going out with a doctor or a lawyer or something, do they?

I don’t think they care very much what I do.

She covered her face using her flattened hands for a moment, and then she rubbed her nose briskly and sniffed. Connell knew she had a strained relationship with her family. He first came to realise this when they were still in school, and it didn’t strike him as unusual, because Marianne had strained relationships with everyone then. Her brother Alan was a few years older, and had what Lorraine called a ‘weak personality’. Honestly it was hard to imagine him standing his ground in a conflict with Marianne. But now they’re both grown up and still she almost never goes home, or she goes and then comes back like this, distracted and sullen, saying she had a fight with her family again, and not wanting to talk about it.

You had another falling-out with them, did you? Connell said.

She nodded. They don’t like me very much, she said.

I know it probably feels like they don’t, he said. But at the end of the day they’re your family, they love you.

Marianne said nothing. She didn’t nod or shake her head, she just sat there. Soon after that they went to bed. She was having cramps and she said it might hurt to have sex, so he just touched her until she came. Then she was in a good mood and making luxurious moaning noises and saying: God, that was so nice. He got out of bed and went to wash his hands in the en suite, a small pink-tiled room with a potted plant in the corner and little jars of face cream and perfume everywhere. Rinsing his hands under the tap, he asked Marianne if she was feeling better. And from bed she said: I feel wonderful, thank you. In the mirror he noticed he had a little blood on his lower lip. He must have brushed it with his hand by accident. He rubbed at it with the wet part of his knuckle, and from the other room Marianne said: Imagine how bitter I’m going to be when you meet someone else and fall in love. She often makes little jokes like this. He dried his hands and switched off the bathroom light.

I don’t know, he said. This is a pretty good arrangement, from my point of view.

Well, I do my best.

He got back into bed beside her and kissed her face. She had been sad before, after the film, but now she was happy. It was in Connell’s power to make her happy. It was something he could just give to her, like money or sex. With other people she seemed so independent and remote, but with Connell she was different, a different person. He was the only one who knew her like that.

*



Eventually Peggy finishes her wine and leaves. Connell sits at the table while Marianne sees her out. The outside door closes and Marianne re-enters the kitchen. She rinses her water glass and leaves it upside down on the draining board. He’s waiting for her to look at him.

You saved my life, he says.

She turns around, smiling, rolling her sleeves back down.

I wouldn’t have enjoyed it either, she says. I would have done it if you wanted, but I could see you didn’t.

He looks at her. He keeps looking at her until she says: What?

You shouldn’t do things you don’t want to do, he says.

Oh, I didn’t mean that.

She throws her hands up, like the issue is irrelevant. In a direct sense he understands that it is. He tries to soften his manner since anyway it’s not like he’s annoyed at her.

Well, it was a good intervention on your part, he says. Very attentive to my preferences.

I try to be.

Yeah, you are. Come here.

She comes to sit down with him and he touches her cheek. He has a terrible sense all of a sudden that he could hit her face, very hard even, and she would just sit there and let him. The idea frightens him so badly that he pulls his chair back and stands up. His hands are shaking. He doesn’t know why he thought about it. Maybe he wants to do it. But it makes him feel sick.

What’s wrong? she says.

He feels a kind of tingling in his fingers now and he can’t breathe right.

Oh, I don’t know, he says. I don’t know, sorry.