Nocturne(82)

“I know.”

I shrugged and gave a timid smile as I pulled away from his grip and locked myself in the bathroom. Looking at my reflection, I watched two pathetic tears slip down my cheeks. Mocking tears. Tears that garnered no sympathy from me or my conscience.

I loved Gregory Fitzgerald with every fiber of my being. And I knew he loved me back. It was as undeniable as it’d always been. We were meant to be together.

But, for every breath I took, there would forever be the exhale to remind myself of what I’d just done.

I slept with another woman’s husband.

And I could never take that back.





Gregory


By the time we stepped into a cab at the Lincoln Airport, my patience was shot.

Savannah left the hotel room in a hurry that morning. Such a hurry that I hardly knew what was happening, and by the time I got clothes on and followed her out the door, she was gone, and I didn’t know what her room number was. She ended up meeting me in the lobby, where we took a car, in silence, back to the airport. Except for communicating the barest of information, such as which gate we were going to, she didn’t speak to me at the airport, or boarding the plane.

When the plane reached altitude, she leaned her seat back, put in earbuds, and turned away from me, closing her eyes. I’ve never felt so conflicted and confused in my life. I understood confusion. I understood mixed feelings. I loved her so much. But the fact that I was married tangled everything in knots.

What I couldn’t understand was why she was so angry that she shut me out?

The moment the in-flight service started, I ordered a gin and tonic, heavy on the gin, and tossed the first one back like it was a shot. Savannah slept through the entire flight. Or, pretended to sleep if my nights next to Karin taught me anything about acting. I dredged out my old notebook and began to write.

The notebook began as nothing more than a log. A place to record my thoughts about particular performances or practices that went well or... not so well. Lately, though, it had increasingly become an outlet, a method for me to compose my thoughts before I had to deal with Karin.

Finally, the excruciatingly long flight ended, and we were on the ground in Lincoln, Nebraska, of all places. I’d never been in Nebraska. I’d never planned to be in Nebraska. I didn’t want to be in Nebraska. As the plane came in on its final approach, all I could see outside was flat ground, spreading out uninterrupted for a million miles in every direction.

Who voluntarily lived in such a place?

Savannah was awake enough that she stirred in her seat and put away her earbuds during the final approach. Thirty minutes later we were standing in the blasting sunlight of middle America, the smell of dust and car exhaust permeating everything as I carefully slid my cello into the back of a cab.

“Please talk to me,” I said as we got in the back seat. “Why are you angry with me, Savannah?”

She looked at me, a puzzled expression on her face. “I’m not angry with you.”

“Where to?” the cab driver asked.

Crap. I’d written down the hotel information somewhere, but I had no idea what I’d done with it. As I fumbled with my wallet and pockets, Savannah reached in her purse and read out an address for the Marriott Cornhusker. I could only hope that the hotel wouldn’t match the name.

“Lot of construction over there,” the driver said. “It may take a little while.”

“Fine,” I said, irritation flashing through me. “Let’s just get going.”

“There’s no need to be rude, Gregory. It’s not his fault you’re married.”

I muttered, “Damn it,” under my breath. “Is that what this is about?”

She gave me a level stare as the cab pulled out. Then she took a deep breath and said, “What do you expect from me, Gregory?”

“I expect you to not shut me out.”

She tilted her head, staring at me. Her brown eyes were huge. Seductive. Beautiful. And completely inscrutable. I hated that I had absolutely no idea what she was thinking.

Outside, the bright sunlight shone down on what might have been the most depressing sight of my life. Flat grass extended all the way to the horizon, interrupted by nothing but a few trees and buildings. It was oppressive. As the driver took us closer to the highway, my phone rang, and I froze. The odds were very good it was Karin.

The phone rang again.

Savannah raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you should answer your phone, Gregory.”

I stared back at her. Then I slowly took out the phone. It was, of course, Karin.

“Hello?”

“Gregory? Are you alone?”

“No, I’m afraid not. I’m in a taxicab.”

I leaned forward slightly, keeping my eyes averted from Savannah. We were headed into what appeared to be a more urban area, thank God for that. But the cab was slowing down, as traffic thickened.

“Are you with her?”

My entire body tensed. “What difference does that make? I don’t really see how that’s relevant, Karin.”

“Of course you don’t. That’s because you’re f*cking heartless, Gregory. I don’t know why I ever married you. And I don’t understand why ...”

Her voice trailed off a little as I held the phone away from my ear. I could still hear her talking. So could Savannah, and the cab driver, and probably the people in the other car next to us. I closed my eyes, trying to regain my equilibrium. Then I thumbed the red button, hanging up on her.