Nocturne(69)

“You discussed it.”

“What?” I asked, finally taking a sip of my water.

“You discussed those things, Gregory. You discussed travelling the world, hoping to maybe play with a symphony overseas for a time. You discussed buying a second home in the Berkshires. You never asked me what I thought of all of that. Or what I wanted. You put more thought into whether or not you were going to pick up lessons with that blind boy again than you did into fixing our marriage.”

I shook my head violently. She knew I’d never felt equipped to teach Robert. “First of all, that blind boy has a name, and he’s an accomplished musician and needs someone advanced to continue his lessons. Second. You agreed with what I was saying, Karin. You never spoke out against any of it. And, knowing what I wanted, you married me anyway, without ever mentioning your desire for children. What did you expect from me?”

Karin rolled her eyes. “I expected more. I expected a relationship.” Contempt curled around her words as she looked through me.

“I don’t have time for this, I have to practice.” I sighed and left the kitchen, heading for my practice room.

“Excuse me? You’re still considering going on this tour?” she shrieked.

I stopped abruptly and turned just as fast. “No,” I spit out, “I’m not considering going. I am going. Practice starts in a few days and we’re leaving at the end of next week and will be gone through June and July.”

“You’re a selfish bastard, you know that?” Her disdain for me was palpable.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sighed. “Perhaps you should stay at James and Madeline’s house for a few days.”

She gasped. “What did you just say?”

“We’re not going to resolve this today, and I refuse to walk in this house every day feeling uncomfortable and looked down upon. James and Madeline will be out of town for the next two weeks. They’re returning home a few days after I leave for the tour.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“This is my house, Karin.”

“Oh f*ck off, Gregory. This is our house. We’re married.” Karin never swore, and the conviction in her words irritated me.

“Fine. I’ll go.” Reaching into my practice room, I pulled out my cello case and walked to the front door.

“Just you and your cello? Surprise, surprise.” Karin didn’t follow me down the hall. She leaned against the wall and watched me go.

Without engaging with her any further, I slammed the door behind me and made my way for James and Madeline’s.

As soon as I settled into their living room, I set my iPod in the dock on their shelf and pressed play. Within seconds, I was playing Assobio a Jato along with the sounds of Savannah playing her flute during her brief senior year. We’d each recorded the other playing so we could practice in our spare time. Sometime after she left I moved my CD recording to my iPod, and this was the first time I pressed play.

Closing my eyes as I moved through each measure of the song, I watched Savannah’s eyebrows pull together, strands of her golden hair falling into her face as she kept up with whatever tempo I set. I wanted to play harder and faster than this recording, but I stayed with Savannah, allowing her even tempo to wash over me, to calm the bitterness I felt toward Karin. How dare Karin try to use her insecurities to guilt me into having children with her.

Sweat formed across my brow and slid coolly down the side of my face as I was brought back into the practice rooms at the conservatory, where Savannah and I had stolen many kisses. Too many. Shaking my head slightly, I returned my thoughts to Karin. Perhaps I was unnecessarily cruel in suggesting she leave the house for a few days. I was the one with the issue. I was the one struggling with the idea of forming a family. Whether or not Karin could admit it now, this tour would give both of us time to cool off and reassess our goals. I was confident that by the time I returned in August, we would be able to start fresh, with clear expectations on moving forward.

As I neared the end of Assobio, the memory of Savanna’s smile every time we successfully finished the piece left me breathless, and angry. I set down my cello and walked to the docking station, roughly tore my iPod out of it, and threw it against the wall with a growl.

Walking over to where it lay on the ground, I knelt down and picked it up. Thumbing back to Savannah’s recording, I deleted it as quickly as I could.





Savannah


“Are you sure about this, guys? I feel a little weird about it.” Sitting across from Nathan and Marcia at a tiny coffee shop in Andover, I struggled over the decision to join the Big Five tour for the summer.

“What the hell is holding you back?” Marcia chuckled. “You’re just home from Moscow and have zero plans for the summer. At least this will give you something to focus on. And keep you playing.”

“Can’t you come, too?” I looked to her pleadingly.

“I’d love to, you know that. I would have auditioned for it if I hadn’t already committed to so many private lessons this summer. They start right when school ends.” Marcia was a middle school band director in Andover and seemed to absolutely love her job.

Nathan feigned hurt. “What? I’m not enough?”

I laughed. “No, I’m thrilled you’re going. But … that’s the thing. Like Marcia just said, she would have to audition. Madeline said I could just … take her spot.”