Nocturne(68)

Removing my hand from her back, I clasped them in front of me, leaning forward so my elbows were resting on my knees. “I won’t leave you alone, Karin. You’re my wife and you’re upset. I want to talk about whatever it is that’s upsetting you enough to cloak this place in silence for the last three days.”

Karin chuckled softly, sardonically. “Three days of silence is too much for you, yet I’m supposed to smile and live with a ghost for the last five years?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I could live with the idea of Savannah Marshall, Gregory. Her existence in the world, your history with her—”

“I have no history with Savannah, Karin,” I lied.

“You still can’t admit it! The top student at the conservatory leaves at the beginning of her senior year, and you resign within a week of that. Don’t you dare tell me there’s no history with you two, Gregory. Especially not after half of Glen Wild’s fundamentals class saw you two making out on the street.” With a petulant scoff, Karin leaned back and crossed her arms over her chest.

Taking a deep breath to keep my patience in check, I slowly faced Karin. “We’ve discussed my reasons for resigning from the conservatory. Those are also five years old. What I don’t understand is what you mean by her ghost.”

Wordlessly, Karin stood and walked over to the baby grand piano by the window, gliding her fingers over the glossy black wood before talking at the window.

“I’d heard the rumors, just like everyone else. But I thought they were simply rumors. You’re a good man, Gregory, with strong ethics. I knew you’d never endanger your career by sleeping with a student. When you brushed me off in Lenox that summer, I thought that I was done with you. That you weren’t interested in anyone, let alone me. You hadn’t had a girlfriend since being in the conservatory yourself.” Karin shrugged and turned toward me, leaning against the piano. “Then you kissed her. In the middle of Boston for all to see.”

I swallowed hard, nodding. There was little I could do to refute that, especially given I never told her I’d slept with Savannah.

“Though you and I hadn’t been on a date in several months by that point, it hurt me. The thought of you kissing Savannah—or anyone really. I’d cared a lot about you early on, and you just weren’t interested in me.”

Not knowing where she was going with this, I felt the need to stand and meet her at the Steinway that was hosting this discussion. “Karin, I love you …” I trailed off, taking her hands in mine.

“Then why haven’t I ever had the Gregory Savannah Marshall got to have? The one who will go dancing without hours of persuasion? The one who will grab me on a busy street corner and kiss me like no one is watching?” My lips parted to retort, but she continued. “I get the ghost of you. Why that girl got that part of you no one had ever seen before, I’ll never know …”

“Then why did you marry me?” I spit out distastefully.

“Because I love you!” Fresh tears spilled down her drained cheeks. “You’re intelligent, passionate, talented … when we started dating again you said all the right things, did all the right things, and made me believe you’d changed. That you’d moved on from whatever it was that happened between you and Savannah.” She shook her hands out of my hold and placed them on her hips, looking down.

I worked hard over the months after Savannah disappeared to regain my footing. To remind myself why I never got involved with anyone. It was too distracting to my career. Karin was safe, though. She understood my commitment to my craft and never questioned the long hours. She was patient and loving and didn’t get in the way of my goals.

“What makes you think I haven’t changed?” I asked, incredulously.

“The look on your face when you saw her at the wedding. You looked like you’d seen a ghost, and I realized I’d been living with one.”

Frustrated at her accusations, I ran a hand through my hair and turned away, pacing to the other side of the living room. “Yes, it was surprising. I haven’t seen or spoken to Savannah in five years, you know that. But for you to stand there and assert that the way I looked at her somehow disregards our entire relationship is foolish, Karin. I love you.”

Karin’s face changed. Calm, as she walked toward me, she looked up at me with wide eyes. “Then let’s start a family, Gregory. Let’s have a baby.”

“Damn it, Karin!” I spoke through tightly clenched teeth.

She took a step back and furrowed her brow. “What?”

“You will not use this situation to emotionally blackmail me into having a baby with you.” I turned quickly on my heels and headed for the kitchen to get a drink. And space.

Karin shouted after me as she followed. “Are you kidding me, Gregory? You think I’m blackmailing you?”

Slamming the refrigerator door shut after retrieving a bottle of water, I shouted, “Explain yourself, then. Explain how that senseless story about some student I kissed five years ago led to you asking me to concede to having children!”

Karin jumped. “Concede?” she shouted back. “That’s what people do when they get married, Gregory. They get married and start a goddamn family!”

“No!” I slammed my fist on the granite island. “That’s what people who want to have children do, Karin. People who discussed it while they dated, while they were engaged. We never discussed it! We discussed travelling and buying a second home somewhere …”