Nocturne(30)

“But I wanted you to, Savannah.” Nathan grumbled a little as he ran his hand over his face.

“Okay, but if you liked me …”

“I still wanted to be your friend, okay? I figured out pretty quickly that you didn’t feel the same way about me. I just didn’t realize it was because you thought I was gay. Did you not feel that way about me because you thought I was gay, or …”

Christ, he really wanted an answer. I had to go back and search some pretty early memories of Nathan to figure out when it was I thought he was gay. And how I felt before that.

“Well, I obviously had a crush on you the second I saw you. I was ten, for God’s sake.” I laughed a little, but he didn’t. “I don’t know, Nathan, that’s asking me to forget the last ten years and pretend I’m seeing you again for the first time. I can’t do that.” Suddenly, I felt tears stinging my eyes. I could see on his face that this was breaking his heart, and that’s not what I came here to do. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

That’s all I could say. There was too damn much to sort through if we really wanted to. But, I didn’t. He was my friend and I wanted to keep that relationship, if I could.

“Don’t be sorry, Savannah,” Nathan sighed as he pulled me into a hug. “I had years of chances to come clean with you about my feelings. I didn’t. That’s not your fault.”

“Wow, we’re a mess.” I sniffed and chuckled.

He laughed, too, this time.

“I still love you, though, okay? I don’t ever want to see you get hurt. Especially by Fitzgerald.”

I tensed instantly and pulled away from Nathan’s body. “What are you talking about?”

“Savannah …” He rolled his eyes and looked exasperated.

“Nathan,” I arched my eyebrow, “I told you—I’m not in love with him.”

“Yeah? And how long are you going to tell yourself that?

I stood, holding out my arms. “What the hell is your problem all of a sudden? He’s our professor. I see him three times a week for an hour. And, he’s a pompous ass.”

Nathan shook his head at me then spoke in a low, urgent tone. “Everyone’s been talking about it, Savannah. Everyone has seen how you two interact.” His eyes narrowed at me as he spoke.

I dropped my jaw. “Are you standing here, right now, insinuating that I’m having an affair with my professor?”

“Well, if you’re not, I suggest you figure out what it is, exactly, that you want from him. Before not dealing with your feelings at all leads one of you to make a huge mistake.”

Silence.

My cheeks betrayed me as they heated under Nathan’s words. Slowly looking up at his face, I saw him wince a little. Maybe at what he said. Maybe at my reaction.

Either way, he took a slow step toward me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

Softly, he said, “I don’t want you to get hurt, Savannah.”

I stepped out of his touch. “You’ve mentioned that, Nathan. But you’re the only one who’s managed to hurt me lately. Despite everything we’ve already talked about, you claim to know my feelings better than I know them, and demand action from me.”

“That’s not what—”

“That’s exactly what you’re doing, Nathan, and it’s not fair. Being my friend doesn’t mean you’re director of my feelings. I … I need to go. Look,” I took a deep breath as I paced toward my coat, “I don’t want to put all kinds of stress on you before your recital in a couple of weeks. Just … we’re fine, right?” I made myself sound convincing enough.

I knew how emotional Nathan could get, and his performance nerves were always all over the place. I cared about him enough in that moment to want him not to blow his final task in school.

“Yes. Savannah …” He dropped his arms and met me at the door, his eyes pleading.

I shook my head. “Don’t say anything, Nathan. Please. We’ve both said enough. Let’s just get through the end of the semester in one piece, okay?”

He nodded, swallowing hard as he looked to the floor.

Without another word, I zipped my coat and left Nathan’s apartment. When I reached the front steps, I was grateful for the rain. Closing my eyes and tilting my face to the sky, I let the cold, grey water wash over me.

It was only a few blocks down Huntington Ave back to the conservatory and my room. I set off through the rain, trying to clear my mind. Nathan. Gregory. It was all just … too much. And as much as I loved walking in the rain under normal circumstances, even that was becoming too much. The rain was coming down in sheets, and it was getting cold.

Ahead of me, turning onto the block and walking quickly, I saw a man in a black overcoat with a black umbrella and matching hair. From behind it almost looked like ... it was.

I ran, my feet splashing up dirty rainwater, and ducked under the umbrella.

Gregory came to a shocked stop, and I heard the rain pounding against the fabric of the umbrella.

“What are you doing?” He had to shout to be heard.

“Trying to get out of the rain!”

A gust of wind blew the rain at us, almost horizontal, and the umbrella nearly collapsed. Gregory looked around and then grabbed my upper arm in his right hand. “Come!” he shouted, then pulled me toward the next building an underneath an awning.