No Kissing Allowed (No Kissing Allowed #1)(44)

I tried to remain quiet for fear that I would say what was really on my mind, but as soon as I released a breath, the words tumbled out. “You are that man. To me, you’re him.”

He laughed sarcastically, sat down on his coffee table, and ran his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends before peering back up at me. “Trust me when I say I’m not, and no amount of time will change that. You need to ask yourself if you’re still okay with this.”

A buzzing sound filled my ears, radiating through me until it found my heart, slowly but surely ripping it apart. I thought I was alone before, surrounded by family and friends, but never feeling the warmth soak in like it should. And then Aidan came home with me, and suddenly I felt it. I understood. I wasn’t alone, I was just missing a vital piece of the puzzle, and now I had that piece, and I didn’t want to give it up. I didn’t want to feel cold. I wanted him, all of him.

“I’m not okay with it.”

“Then you have your answer.”

The words hit me like an arrow to a bull’s-eye.

…

I woke the next morning to the feel of dried tears on my cheeks, my pillow cradled in my arms, and Lauren asleep beside me.

I’d spent all night trying to figure out if Aidan and I were over or if this was a fight. And if it was only a fight, what did it mean that we were fighting over something that wouldn’t change? I wanted to call him and say I was sorry, beg him to forget everything I’d said. But in the same breath, I wanted to call him and scream at him. I wanted him to admit that we were different, see the changes in us as a step forward instead of shutting it down without even a discussion.

Sure that I couldn’t figure anything out before a hot shower and two—okay, three—cups of coffee, I turned on our coffeemaker and slipped into the shower, careful to be quiet so Lauren could sleep. But when I stepped out of the shower twenty minutes later, I found someone else sitting on my bed.

My gaze locked on Aidan, dressed in jeans and a navy plaid button-down, his hands threaded together as he stared back at me. “Lauren let me in. I hope that’s okay.”

I stopped a few feet from him and crossed my arms. “What are you doing here?”

“I didn’t sleep last night. Did you? I kept replaying our conversation over and over, and through it all, I couldn’t make sense of a thing. I don’t know what I’m fighting here.”

A part of me wanted to go to him, to slip into his arms and say we could work things out, somehow, someway, but nothing had changed from last night. I still wanted more than he was willing to give. “You don’t have to fight anything. Just ask yourself what you want. It’s an easy question.”

“It’s anything but easy. What I want isn’t in line with what I should want. What I feel isn’t in line with what I’ve always thought of myself or my life or my future. I can’t make it all fit in my head anymore, and the harder I try the more it scares the shit out of me.”

I drew a breath and exhaled slowly. Why couldn’t he see that this was easy? I wasn’t asking for a marriage proposal. I just wanted to know there was room for possibility, that our future wasn’t already set.

“This doesn’t have to be so hard,” I whispered as I took a step closer to him, the distance too great for what I had to say next. “What do you want, Aidan? Just tell me what you want. Because I think it’s pretty clear what I want, and as tough as it is for me to admit it, the decision isn’t mine. It’s yours.”

“But you see, you’ve already made the decision. That’s the problem. No conversation. No prelude. One minute we agree to this and the next you insist on that. First with Thanksgiving, then the conversation after and talk of Christmas. All in a few days’ time.”

I shook my head, frustration sparking again. “I invited you home because I know what it’s like to feel alone, and I wanted to show you the kind of home and family you deserve. I didn’t mean for it to become…for it to be…”

At that his gaze dropped. “I know. Which was why I should have said no, but I…”

“Couldn’t? That should tell you something.”

He stared at me, the gold and amber tones in his eyes shining brightly back at me. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“I know.”

“But I don’t want it to end.”

“Then what do we do?”

Aidan stood and started for me, taking my hands and running his thumbs slowly back and forth over my palms. “I talked to my father’s assistant again. He’s not doing so well. She asked me to come see him.”

“I think you should go see him.”

His gaze lifted. “What if you went with me?”

I jerked back. “What? You said we shouldn’t invest in each other’s lives. You said—”

“I know what I said. But I’m asking you to go anyway. I need you there. Please…go with me.”

I watched his expression change from worry to sadness and knew that I couldn’t deny him this. Who knew if his father would survive another attack? Aidan needed to be there, to say whatever he needed to say to him, and if my being there ensured he wouldn’t live the rest of his life in guilt, then so be it.

“When do we leave?”