Need You for Always (Heroes of St. Helena)(76)

You asked me to stay.

“The other night was amazing,” he said gently, taking her hand. “All of it has been. And I won’t leave you hanging, I made a promise to help and I always live up to my promises. So I’ll just drive back for the day.”

Not the words she’d been hoping to hear. In fact, it was the opposite of what she needed right then. Emerson knew what it felt like to do something out of duty and obligation, and she didn’t want to be that kind of burden. Not for Dax.

She wanted to be the one who made him laugh and feel good. Lighter. Freer. Special. Because that was what he’d done for her.

“Was it just sex?” she asked, remembering that the key to survival was to stay calm. “For you, was it just amazing sex?”

“No, Emi, it wasn’t.”

“But,” she said, knowing that there was an exception to his statement. A condition to his feelings. “It wasn’t enough to stick around, right?”

Dax blew out a breath and looked at the ceiling. “You knew I was going to leave, knew that it would come to an end. You were the one who said no ties.”

“I know,” she whispered, feeling like an idiot with all those yous being thrown at her. “I did, but something changed.”

Everything had changed. Emerson had started thinking past the job, past the distance, past the problems, and toward the future.

With him.

And she’d thought that maybe he’d been thinking the same. That regardless of what he decided, what job he took, they could make it work. Or at least give it a real chance. It was only two hours to San Jose and his family lived here and—Oh. My. God.

No.

No no no no no!

Emerson covered her face. She was stupid, and a fool, and so incredibly and completely in love it hurt.

“Are you crying?” Dax said, tipping her face up. There was so much guilt and sheer terror over the fact that he’d made the tough girl cry that she willed her tears back and dropped her hands.

“I’m not a crier, Dax,” she argued through the tears.

“Then why do you have water—”

He paused, his face going pale. He knew. Of course he knew. Dax could uncover a single terrorist hiding inside of a mountain in the middle of the desert by sticking a fork in the air. Here she was, the worst poker player in history, her eyes darting right, right, right to the truth. And he knew.

“I never wanted to make things harder on you,” he said gently, brushing away a stray drop of rainwater from her cheek with his thumb.

“Then don’t,” Emerson argued. “Don’t look at me like you’re going to pack up, give me a peck on the cheek, and then never think about this again. Because I won’t ever stop thinking what if, and I don’t think you will either.”

“This was supposed to be simple,” he whispered with so much terrifying finality, her stomach sank. She had one last shot to get him to listen, to get him to hear her, gather all the facts before he made his decision.

“Love is never simple, Dax,” she said, confident in that truth.

He stood there staring at her as if she’d handed him a death sentence. A small sob rose in her chest because saying that word aloud, finally admitting the truth for what it was, she felt as if she was giving them a new chance at a real life.

“And since we’re two of the most complicated and stubborn people I know, I imagine it will be crazier for us to get it right. But I am willing to try, willing to put my heart out there and see if you’re man enough to pick it up. And I hope to God you are, because I might not know how to date or handle no-strings affairs, but I know how to love. I have been doing it my whole life, and it is terrifying and intense, but it can also be safe and freeing if you allow it to be.” She took his hand in hers and looked up at him with all of the fear and nerves and love she had to give. “I don’t want the crumbs with you, Dax, I want the entire tray.”

“Emi.” He opened his mouth to say more, then he hesitated. It was subtle, but she saw it, felt it ricochet around her soul.

Shaken, she dropped her hands and stepped way back. “Oh God. This is the condition.” She was so familiar with conditions she should have seen it the second she walked into his room and spotted the duffel bag. “This is where you say, ‘hey, I showed you a fun time, helped you out, and now can you be a champ and pull it together and go back to your regularly scheduled life?’”

“It wasn’t like that,” he said but she knew he was lying. “I don’t want to go back to how things were, but my life is in San Jose and yours is here.”

“Bullshit. Your life is here, Ranger.” He winced at the mention of his title. “You have family, friends, a whole lot of people who love you. Right here. Why would you want to leave all that behind to start over somewhere else?”

He let out a mirthless laugh.

“You know what, I don’t think you have a God complex, I think you’re a chicken,” she argued. “I don’t even think you want that job, I think you’re taking it because it’s easy.”

“Is it so bad that I want easy?”

Emerson stopped breathing. It was a direct hit. Nothing about her, or her life, was easy. She knew that, but there was nothing she could do to change it. “Sometimes the good things take a little extra work.”