My So-Called Sex Life (How to Date, #1)(73)

When I find one named after the French word for eat, I burst into laughter. That name is so similar stylistically to the restaurant where I ran into Axel again in New York the other month—Menu. I want to tell him that I found another minimalist-named restaurant. Just like I wanted to tell him about the sweet raccoon wine. And how I want to tell him about how miserable last night in bed was without him, wrapped around a duvet with no one to steal it from and no one to talk about beets or pistachios or chief foragers with in the morning.

What I remember most about the night at Menu is how I felt when he left. I hated to see him go. I’ve always hated to see him go.

I couldn’t stand it yesterday either.

But soon, I plan to do something about it. To choose differently. I can have a whole new track record with Axel Huxley. A new one that I make with him.

As I trek to Le Marais to meet my friend who’s starting over too, the Parisian summer sun warming my shoulders, I feel like I do when I begin a new story.

There’s a blank page waiting for me to write on it.

I call my sister as I walk the bustling streets of the trendy neighborhood, past boutiques and cool cafés. The second she answers, I say with so much enthusiasm and excitement, “You were right about Axel.”

It’s such a relief and a joy to say those words.

Veronica gasps. “How you wanted to bang him?”

“That and pretty much everything else,” I say, laughing.

I can’t see her, but I know her jaw is dropping. “You and Axel Huxley? That is kind of wild that you fell for him.” She sounds astonished, but also delighted.

There’s no judgment from her either. She doesn’t ask how I made peace with the fact that I used to hate him. She just trusts my decision. Just like I need to trust my own heart.

“I did,” I say.

“So what are you going to do?”

“That’s the question,” I say, but I’m starting to find the answer.



Over olives and cheese, I tell Rachel my revelation. “I think it’s time to leave the past behind,” I say, a little nervous but excited too.

She shudders. “Sounds terrifying.”

“I know.”

“Especially when it’s your own past. Your own issues. Your own hurt.”

I nod. “Exactly. Because I realized I’ve moved past our split. I moved past it days ago. That’s not what I have to let go of. I have to let go of all these old beliefs about myself. But I’m ready, finally. And I think when I see him in New York, I’m going to tell him in the only way I know how.”

“Which way is that?”

I take a breath, meet her friendly gaze. “I’m going to write him a story. And the next time I see him, I’m going to show it to him.”

She smiles, the warm supportive smile of a friend. “Look at you.”

Look at me indeed. One trip through Europe and I’m ready to move past…well, myself.





39





OF COURSE A FOUNTAIN


Axel

Eight more hours and I can leave.

“You’d think it’d be easier to get out of town and change your flight,” I grumble to Carter on the phone as I nurse a coffee, heading toward the fountain that we passed on the bike tour yesterday.

“You’d think it’d be easy because you want to run away,” Carter says, all nonchalant as he works out, the sound of pump-me-up music in the background of our call.

“Fuck you,” I say, because damn, my brother figures me out too easily.

“Fuck you too. Also, I know that your fuck you loosely translates to my little brother is right.”

I snort, all defiant. But also damn curious. I take the bait. “How do you figure I want to run away?”

“You like to jump ship when you’ve had enough,” he says in a simple, damning assessment. I slow my pace at the street corner, the fountain one block away.

I want to deny it, but dammit. I can’t. “You dick.”

He laughs. “So, are you running away from Hazel?”

“No,” I bite out quickly then sigh, giving in. “Yes.”

“Why?”

Why is the question of the hour, of the week, of the whole year. It’s the question of my life. “Because we work together, because I made a promise to myself, because I made a wish on a fountain.” But that barely scratches the surface. “Because I don’t want to disappoint our readers. Because I don’t want to have tricked everyone.” There it is. The core of the painful truth.

I don’t want to fool others, but I also don’t want to fool myself.

I don’t want to be a mark or to make others a mark.

Which means…I’m trapped.

“And?” Carter asks.

I’ve told him the whole damn story of the trip. Of Hazel and me. What else is there to say? “And what? I just gave you the answer.”

“Good. That’s an excellent step. But take another one.”

I knit my brow as I reach the huge Gefion Fountain, where stone oxen pull a plow, driven by a Norse goddess. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere for my life. “There is no next step,” I say.

Or maybe there’s no metaphor. Maybe I should just stop pulling a pointless plow.