My Life in Shambles(48)

He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses my knuckles, and I melt some more.

“Come on,” he says. “Let’s go back inside and get warm.”





13





Valerie





After the incident at the mews, the rest of the day goes by at a calm, slow, and steady pace. Padraig managed to get a bunch of books on falconry for me, since it appears I have a natural talent, the owl whisperer, if you will, and I spent a good chunk of the day reading by the fire.

Padraig, meanwhile, spent most of his day sleeping, kind of the reverse of yesterday. I didn’t question it after this morning. After all, it was fairly traumatic, and he is under a lot of stress. I also think it could be related to his concussion. Or maybe he just wants some damn time alone.

Either way, it didn’t bother me, and when he came out for dinner, things went a lot smoother than they did the night before. His father was still grumpy but quiet, though he ate more than he did the night before. Nan talked about the weather and Major talked about some woman he was dating, which was beyond cute. I sat beside Padraig and he kept his hand on my leg the whole time. It felt good to have his comfort, even if it wasn’t quite real.

But what is real?

The words that he told me this morning had to be real. They were only for me, and not for show. But when he kisses me in front of everyone, is that real? Or is that for show? And if it’s not for show, how come that doesn’t happen enough in private?

This is getting very confusing, and I keep playing along because it’s what I agreed to and I want to be with him. Even if it’s just fake, I want to be around him and I want to pretend.

The problem is, over time, it won’t be pretending anymore.

When I look at him, he makes me feel all my emotions physically.

My chest burns with frustration.

My stomach skips with yearning.

My skin alights with desire.

My bones feel as light and hollow as a bird’s, that feeling you get when you look at someone and you might just float away from the pure fizzy joy that’s filling you like air. I’m barely tethered to anything.

I need to be tethered.

I need to keep my heart intact.

We’re barely into this fa?ade and if I’m feeling this way already, what’s going to happen in a week and after that?

Deep down, I know I’m heading for a heartache so severe it might just destroy me once and for all.

And yet, despite the fear, I’m not going to push it away.

Because how lucky would I be to fall in love with this man?

I don’t think many people truly get to do that, even if it’s all a lie in the end.

“What are ye doing tonight?” Padraig asks me after we carry our dishes to the kitchen. Gail told us to leave them but I think we’re doing this to bug her.

“Tonight?” I ask. “Oh, you know. Sleeping.”

“How about we head down to my mate Alistair’s pub? The Velvet Bone.”

“I need to start jotting down all these wicked Irish pub names.”

“So is that a yes?”

I laugh and punch him on the arm. “Of course that’s a yes.”

And that’s when I notice Gail staring at us, so I quickly kiss him on the cheek, grab his hand, and lead him out of the kitchen.

“I don’t want to drive if I’m drinking,” he says to me once we’re out of earshot. “But it’s just down the road. Do ye think you can handle the walk?”

I’m actually touched that he’s that thoughtful. “How long of a walk?” The truth is, I can’t be on my feet for more than a few hours at a time. For some reason, when I was younger, I could do Disney World no problem but now I can’t do more than half a day. My back pain gets unreal.

“About twenty minutes.”

“Oh, that’s no problem at all. But we’re going to have to bundle up because I bet it’s freezing out there.”

I’m right, too, though it could just be cold compared to the contrast of the warm fire.

It’s a beautiful night though, the crisp sky so clear that I can see every single star.

“Look at that,” I say as we walk down the driveway, heads craned back to stare at the dark night sky. “Doesn’t that make you feel so small?”

He muses over that for a moment and then says, “Nah.”

“Nah?”

He looks amused to disagree with me. “It makes me feel like … with all that space and all those infinite universes … this is the only one that counts. People say that it puts all your problems into perspective, but it just makes my own problems seem bigger, since I’m the only me in this whole universe. And there’s only one me to handle these problems. You know what I mean like?”

“I guess,” I say. “But it still makes me feel small. Like look at this.” We’ve reached the main road and I gesture out across the landscape. At night, the rolling green hills become as black and fathomless as the skies above, and the occasional light from a house could be another star. “It all bleeds together, all becomes one. Doesn’t it make you think we’re sitting on the edge of the universe? Doesn’t that make you seem insignificant?”

“Look, if ye want me to wax poetic about how you’re more significant than every star in the sky, I can do that. Believe me, my mother was quite the poet, but I can always try and see what I come up with. Roses are red, violets are blue, now let’s get to the pub before it closes on us,” he says with a smile and gives me a wink.