Mistakes Were Made(92)

She couldn’t talk to Rachel about it. She didn’t even let herself think about it. It was overwhelming. If she thought about it, she’d have to reckon with her choices. Her stupidity. The ways she’d failed her daughter.

Cassie made Erin feel good. Being with Cassie made her feel good. Being around Cassie.

Thinking about what she was doing with Cassie made Erin feel … horrendous. Awful.

She wanted to be a good mom. The moment she met Parker, sweaty skin-to-skin contact in the hospital bed, Erin had vowed to take care of her. To keep her safe from everything that could hurt her.

Lately, Erin was the one doing the hurting. She’d hurt Parker in the divorce, worked three years to make up for it, and spent the last nine months doing worse.

Erin didn’t deserve to have a good relationship with Parker. She acted like she wanted one. She’d worked to fix the ways it was broken. And then she threw it all away, for what? Sex? Cassie was Erin’s midlife crisis. She was a giant mistake.

That wasn’t fair—Cassie was great. Amazing, even. She was young and brilliant and hilarious, and she had her entire life ahead of her. She was going to change the world. Whoever she ended up with would be incredibly lucky. It was Erin who was the mess. The disaster.

Even when Erin was being gentle with herself instead of pointing out her flaws, this thing with Cassie hurt to think about. Not just in a What the hell are you doing? and If anyone ever found out … sort of way. In a No chance at a happy ending sort of way. What was the best outcome here? For Cassie to move across the country. It’d be better, probably—easier—if she and Parker didn’t keep in touch. Erin didn’t know if she’d be able to handle the occasional Cassie mention on Sunday phone calls. She certainly wouldn’t be able to handle another winter break visit. No, the best outcome would be Cassie out in California, telling someone new this wild story about how she’d spent a few months sleeping with her friend’s mom. The best outcome would be Erin throwing herself into work at the clinic, which was what she’d wanted, what she’d been working at for years, so it didn’t make sense that when she thought about it now, it seemed like a consolation prize.

Those were the only acceptable outcomes, really. There wasn’t another option. It didn’t matter that Erin had long since recognized the tug behind her sternum every time Cassie smiled. It didn’t matter that when she got good news about the clinic, Cassie was the first person she wanted to tell. Even if Erin could’ve ever brought herself to ask Cassie to go to MIT, to exert that much influence on the rest of this twenty-two-year-old’s life, they’d still be in the same situation—touching each other behind Parker’s back. This summer was perfect. She saw Cassie weekly, and she and Parker were closer than they’d ever been. Three months of this had to be enough. It was all they’d ever have.

Before she left, Rachel hugged Erin hard.

“I love you, you know?”

Erin nodded. She did know. It didn’t fix what she’d gotten herself into, though.

“It was nice to meet you,” Cassie said.

“You, too, Cassie,” Rachel said. “Take good care of my favorite girls, okay?”

Erin chanced a glance over her shoulder but had to look away when Cassie gave a half grin, standing a little taller than usual, like she was proud.

“I always do.”





Twenty-Three





CASSIE


Cassie hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. She had to go to the bathroom, and she was absolutely not the type to pee in a pool, and so she went inside. Overhearing Erin explaining just how much they were not dating was not Cassie’s intention.

“I can’t just date my daughter’s twenty-two-year-old best friend because she’s good in bed.”

Cassie had fled down the hall to the bathroom and closed the door as quietly as she could.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. She’d told herself that then and was still telling herself now, two days later. It wasn’t a big deal. She’d said the same thing to Acacia countless times, because they weren’t dating. But Cassie’s chest had tightened at the disdain in Erin’s voice. Did Cassie sound like that whenever she told Acacia? Erin had sounded so scornful. Cassie hated it.

She resolved to be nicer to Kaysh about the whole thing. She’d get the chance, too—Acacia was visiting for the Fourth of July, flying in Saturday morning for a long weekend.

Cassie just had to make it through the week first. It was only Monday and she already wanted to be done.

Cassie [Today 7:07 PM]

Finally done at work

She included every tired-looking emoji she could find.

Erin [7:08 PM]

There’s a surprise at your apartment to make the day better

Cassie [7:08 PM]

What

Cassie [7:08 PM]

What is it?

Erin [7:09 PM]

I know you’re not an English major, but surely you know the meaning of the word surprise?

Erin [7:09 PM]

Ride safely, even though you’re excited

Cassie rode safely, if a little quickly. Erin didn’t give her any hints. There was nothing in her mailbox or in front of her door, like she expected.

She got inside and everything looked completely normal, though honestly cleaner than she remembered it being.

Cassie [7:29 PM]