Midnight Lily(28)

"You probably shouldn't wear dresses into the woods, though. You're bound to ruin them."

I shrugged. "If I don't wear them, they'll eventually just rot away. They deserve to live a little, don't you think?" I asked, smiling. "What will be done with them otherwise? Donated to some vintage clothing store eventually?"

My mom smiled back, the right side of her mouth tipping upward more than the left. "I suppose they do deserve to live a little, being that they've been packed away in a dark basement for so long," she said and cracked one eye at me, smiling bigger. Why did I feel like that was a good description of me? Kept in the dark. Forgotten.

"Well good, because I'm giving them plenty of new memories." I continued rubbing the cream into her skin. I'd even received my very first kiss in one of them.

After a minute, she asked. "Where do you go, Lily? When you go into the woods—where do you go? You're away for so long, all day sometimes."

"Not far," I answered. It was a lie, I knew. "I like it there." It was where I felt alive. "Sometimes I just wander and . . . lose track of time, I guess."

"I worry about you. It can't be one hundred percent safe."

"Nothing is, Mom." I sighed. "There's no need to worry, though. I promise."

"You don't go far? You won't get lost or anything?"

"No, I won't get lost."

"And you don't ever see anyone, do you?"

"Who would I see? It's the middle of nowhere, in the woods."

"I don't know, hikers or—"

"There are no trails in these woods, Mom."

My mother's eyes, clear and green, were opened now and she studied me closely, her expression a mixture of confusion and sadness. She seemed to look at me like that a lot lately. All the time, actually. But she didn't ask any more questions, and I was relieved.

"You could come walking with me, you know."

She pressed her lips together. "I walk in the garden. That's enough for me."

I sighed. She'd never change, never venture out. So where did that leave me?

"We have to think about leaving, you know. We only planned to be here for the summer. It's already the end of August. It's going to be your birthday soon. What do you think about leaving right before?"

I frowned. Despite what had happened with Holden, I wasn't sure I was ready to leave yet. Here I had freedom. "Can we think about it? It's still so beautiful in the forest. And you love the garden, right? You're happy here, Mom?"

She nodded, and I smiled down into her beloved face, my eyes moving over the familiar lines of her features, my heart suddenly filled with a terrible, aching sadness. "I love you," I said, swallowing the strange emotion.

That whole business with Holden had crushed me more than it should have. I had trusted Holden, been swept away, and now I was left empty and confused. My emotions were all jumbled up. My mother gave me a tender smile.

"I love you, too, my darling Lily. I always, always will."

As I continued to smooth the cream over the half of her ravaged face, my mind insisted on returning to Holden. Will you be waiting for me, Lily? Yes. I'd been foolish to promise something so recklessly. So, how far would I go back into the woods? I wouldn't go near his lodge. I wouldn't. I'd stay away. I would not subject myself to the pain he was sure to bring. I'd received my first kiss, and I'd have to hold on to that. It didn't have to mean any more.





CHAPTER TEN


Holden



I went into the woods every day for the next three days, wandering aimlessly, calling for Lily. A couple times I even tried purposefully to lose my way, but I must have started noticing things about this forest that I hadn't meant to keep track of. "How the f*ck can a person fail to get lost in a remote forest when he's actually trying?" I muttered. "That proves it, Holden, you are hopeless. Completely hopeless."

Returning to the lodge, I paced relentlessly. There was so much good pacing area out here. I could pace for days and only occasionally cover the same ground. It was a pacer's heaven. Fuck. Lily. I ran my hand through my hair. I was going to pace a track onto the deck and go prematurely bald from all the hair raking.

How in the world had things gone downhill so fast? Fucking Taylor, the snake. What had I ever seen in her?

She's good in bed.

I'm sure she is. She gets plenty of practice.

The words flitted through my mind, causing my head to ache. I brought one hand up and massaged the back of my neck. Ryan, I'd had that conversation with Ryan. I'd had that conversation with Ryan that day. I shook my head. No, no, I refused to think about that day. I pushed it out of my mind forcefully. No.

I had to explain things to Lily. I had to let her know that what happened wasn't my fault. I had to know if she'd give me another chance. Never mind that I'd need to start all over with the detoxing. I couldn't do it until I knew things were settled with Lily. And now, thanks to Taylor, or maybe no thanks to Taylor, I had a fresh supply. But, no, that was good because I had to make sure Lily and I were okay. I had to know she'd be waiting for me on the other side, so to speak. Knowing that would help get me through the darkness. Her. So if she wasn't in the forest, where was she? She'd said she lived nearby, but where?