Midnight Lily(26)

She shrugged, letting out a small brittle laugh. "I don't think anything. I have no idea what to think. God, what do you want with me? What do you want?" She turned without waiting for an answer and for a moment I stood frozen. What did I say?

A wave of insecurity washed over me. What did I want? To get better. For you. So I can kiss you, so I can plant my nose in the soft, fragrant spot between your shoulder and your neck and feel like I'm worthy enough to be there, to date you, romance you . . . however that might work. To know about your life. To tell you about mine. What? What did I want? "To spend time with you," I finally managed. "Just . . . to be with you, Lily. God. I want to be with you."

She stopped and turned toward me slowly. Shrugging, she said, "It just won't ever work. We just don't make any sense together."

I shook my head and leaned against a tree. God, I was still so weak and sick. "You're the only thing that's made sense to me in a very long time. If you only knew." Sweat had broken out on my forehead, and I swiped at it, gripping the tree so I stayed upright. Lily looked at me warily.

"You should get back, Holden. You're not even dressed." I wanted to resist. I wanted to fight for her, but I couldn't and I hated myself.

"Please," I whispered, "please . . ."

Lily walked back to where I stood and brought her hand up to my forehead. "You're so warm," she said. "You should go back inside."

Behind me, Taylor was shouting on the deck again about what a dick I was. I ignored her and Lily did, too, pretending she wasn't there at all. "I want to come with you," I sighed. Her hand slipped down to my cheek. Behind me, Taylor's voice rose and the door slammed again, causing me to curse her name under my breath.

"Didn't I tell you that you should learn to recognize a snake? Or you're likely to step right on one."

I sighed again. "I know," I said wearily. And they're everywhere. My life is so full of them I'm scared to make a move.

My eyes slipped closed, and I pressed my back against the rough bark of the tree. When I started to slip down the trunk, I caught myself, jerking back to reality.

Lily was gone.

**********

I made my way dazedly back to the lodge, my bare feet scratched and wet. When I got inside, I sagged down onto the couch. Taylor was glaring at me from the other side of the room, her arms crossed under her large breasts. "What in the hell were you doing out there in a towel?" she asked.

I shot her an impatient look. I barely had the energy to deal with her. "I was talking to Lily," I said.

"Who's Lily?" She looked at me blankly.

"The girl. Didn't you see her?"

Taylor narrowed her eyes. "I didn't see anyone. It looked like you were shouting into the woods. What's going on with you? I'm seriously worried."

I let out a long breath. What had I been thinking, spending any time with her at all? Oh right, I hadn't been thinking. I'd been drunk or high or both. Suddenly I not only felt exhausted, but I felt depressed. A soul-shaking depression that made me want to fall into a black hole. I'd tried so hard to get off the pills and the second, the very second, they were put in front of me again, I'd given in. Of course, it had been in the midst of intense physical agony, but even so . . . I'd hoped I was stronger than that. And now I had confirmation I wasn't. So was I going to give it another try? I shuddered with the memory of how completely awful I'd felt. Was I willingly going to go back there so soon? Somewhere in the background I heard Taylor's phone ring and she answered it, walking into the other room. I didn't attempt to overhear her conversation. When she came stomping back into the room, she said, "Kelly will be back in the morning. She's staying at a hotel in Telluride tonight."

"Good," I murmured, leaning my head back on the couch and throwing my arm over my eyes to block out the light above me.

After a minute, Taylor came over and sat down on the couch next to me. "Can I at least sleep in the same bed as you tonight? I miss you. I miss your arms around me," she said sweetly, trying another tact.

My head felt so woozy, and all I wanted was for Lily to come back. But she wouldn't, and I couldn't go after her in the condition I was in. I had promised myself. And I'd promised her. She didn't know it, but I'd promised her, too. Not in those words—but it was what I'd meant all the same. And I refused to break a promise to Lily. I just had to make things right with her first, though. "Taylor," I started, "why did you date me anyway? What did you see in me? What did you like about me?"

Taylor looked confused for a moment. "You know what I like about you. Was I so hard to read?" She ran one finger down my arm.

"Other than the . . . physical, though."

Taylor sighed. "Does there have to be more than that? Isn't that enough?"

I thought about that for a second. I guessed, for a while, that was all I went after. But had it ever brought me more than momentary satisfaction? "No, it actually isn't. And Taylor, you can do better than that, too, whether you realize it or not," I said, pulling myself up into a standing position, one hand on the couch for leverage. "Good night. If Kelly gets here before I get up, I'll say goodbye right now. And for the record, we are broken up."

I heard her gasp of surprise, but she didn't come after me. I locked the door behind me once I'd climbed the stairs to my bedroom. And with that, I collapsed on the bed and fell fast asleep, Lily's sorrowful face following me into my scattered dreams.