Maybe Later(33)

“How about your brothers and sisters?” I ask her because I can’t imagine not seeing my family for that long.

There’s no answer when I glance her way, I see her staring out the window. I’m confused as to what to do. Break the silence or wait for her to continue.

“I don’t talk about my family much,” she says as we are about to arrive. “It’s a lot more complicated to explain my family dynamic than it is the world’s economy. One day I might tell you if you really want to be a part of my messy world.”

The last sentence isn’t long, but the meaning behind it scares me. There’s more to Emmeline than her soft exterior. A messy world where I might not be able to fit. I already know how things end when you try to mold yourself into a space you don’t belong. She has secrets I want to know, but then again, I hide my past too.

I laugh as I park right in front of my favorite pub in Aspen. Later, we’ll come back and have dinner here.

“Did I say something funny?” she asks, her tone miffed.

“We’re quite the pair,” I explain, brushing back the strands of dark hair around her beautiful face, wondering if this is the right time to kiss her. “There’s so much I would like to share with you, but I’m not ready.”

Her eyes brighten just as the corner of her lips pull into a big smile.

“It’s a good thing we met,” she says looking at my hand which is cupping her face. “We could keep each other company while we’re trying to sift our messy lives.”

Her words strike the right place in my heart. It’s as if she understands me without even trying. Clearly, we’re comfortable with each other but we both have so much going on and can’t open up until we trust ourselves.

I like that she doesn’t pressure me to share about myself. She’s interested in me, which is why I won’t be telling her that I’m Jackson Spearman the CEO of EMC technologies.

Is that all I want from her, just company?

At the moment, I can’t see myself offering much more. A relationship sounds like a lifetime commitment, even if it’s something that can finish at any given moment. My soul tells me I want more than a conversation. Though, I definitely want to kiss her, act on our intense attraction.

Could I keep it as simple as casual conversation, good company, and great sex?

Though, I feel like she could offer so much more. Taking it would be playing with fire. I can’t go there anymore.

I’ve been burned once.

The flames burnt me to ashes, and I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. I’m not a phoenix. This has to stay casual and light. I like her company, but I won’t ever be ready to fall again.

This moment feels crucial and yet, I don’t feel as if we should fill it with words. What can I say?

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess that you might not get more out of me than dates and good sex?”

Would she understand that I just can’t let anyone into my life? I still taste the past. More times than not, I choked on it, wishing I had done things differently. Today I feel the weight of the present pushing me back to a hole. Why didn’t I find her before …? If this were a book, I’d love to turn the pages and see what’s at the end of this chapter. Would it be worth it for either one of us to continue fooling ourselves when we already know that maybe this could become just another failed relationship? I can’t let myself be vulnerable, and she can’t fix whatever she believes is broken in her mind.

“Penny for your thoughts, beautiful Emmeline?”

“Solve?” She rests the weight of her head on my hand and closes her eyes.

There’s a need inside me to hold her and assure her that I am great at solving problems. That two heads are better than one and we could—what? I might run away the moment I feel like she’s invading my perfect, well-organized life.

“I’m trying to find a new me,” she explains opening her eyes. “See once there was this girl who tried to make everyone else happy, she could balance her own happiness all along. She was selfish when I decided I came in first. But as I grow older, I think it wasn’t selfishness, I was just young.”

Her big brown eyes stare at me. “I guess that’s what you do when you’re young.”

“What exactly are you talking about?”

“You live your life and try to be happy—without thinking about how you affect others.”

“A friend of mine would call you smart, not selfish. She’d support you and remind you to be yourself above anything else.”

Thinking of Amy gives me the answer to why I decided to ask this woman out when I saw her in the bookstore. I can’t lie that a part of me had hoped she was Amy. I mean who else would spend her evening searching for a treasure?

“Yeah, that’s why I’m taking this step,” I say out loud and then press my lips together regretting my words because I’m thinking about Amy and my past.

Focus on your present, Amy would say. In the end, everything will work out.

“I’m a step?” she asks curiously.

“I don’t mean it in a bad way,” I clarify. “More like—”

“Hey, don’t fix it actually, I’m honored. Something about me made you take a step out of your comfort zone.”

She moves closer to me until our faces are inches apart. “Do you want to know a secret?”