Mastering The Marquess (Bound and Determined #1)(113)

“And go where?”

“That is not an answer.” His stomach clenched as he waited. The two slices of ham no longer seemed so small.

Reaching across and placing a hand over his, she continued to stare into his eyes and answered, “Not unless you force me to. This is where I want to be. Why else do you think I did this?” She gestured about the cozy room.

“I did not know. I hardly dared hope.”

Her fingers tightened about his, building their connection. “My turn. Can you forgive me for being foolish enough to let the Countess take me? For not fighting her? For putting you in danger?”

He turned his hand palm up and grasped her fingers—tight. “What foolishness do you speak? None of it was your fault.”

“And neither was it yours.”

“How can you say that? If it were not for me none of this would have happened.”

“No. If it were not for the Countess none of this would have happened. You cannot be responsible for the actions of another.” She spoke firmly.

“But …” How could she say that? If he had not indulged his desires, they would not now be needing to have this conversation.

“You told me that after your mother’s death you managed to overcome the guilt.”

“Yes.”

“Do I need to whip you as they did at school?”

He dropped his gaze to his plate, but held tight to her fingers. “How can you joke about this?”

He heard her pull in a long breath. “I do not joke. You told me that being whipped helped take away the guilt, gave you a sense of freedom—at least that is how I understood it. Am I wrong?”

“No, but … I am not the boy that I was then. I have changed.”

“I do hope so. I cannot imagine doing the things I have done with you if you were a boy.”

“That still does not change the fact that without me none of this—”

“Life cannot be controlled. I know you always want to, but sometimes it is beyond what can be controlled. Surely you must know this.”

“Yes, but—”

She cut him off again. “You hate feeling vulnerable, don’t you? That is what the need for control is about.”

How did she know him so well? “I think it is my turn to ask a question. Did your conversation with Ruby go well? We have not talked of it.”

“Yes.”

“And …?”

“And, thank you. She was very helpful. If you are asking if I had any injuries that you do not know about, no, I do not. I am physically fine and fit, other than being sore, and even that is fading quickly.”

“You must still be more than sore. You stood there for some time, and I saw the welt she placed upon your thigh.”

“And you have experience with putting those welts on others, so you would know?” Her voice caught as she spoke the words.

So finally they were at the moment. “Yes. I have whipped women, and even made them bleed. Not that often, but I have done it.”

Her fingers clenched tight about his. “Did you like it?”

It took him a moment to consider. Always before he would have said yes, but now … “I don’t know. I did not dislike it. I liked having them bend to my will. And I liked thinking that I was granting them the freedom that I had once found. And it did. I am not sure that I could ever explain it to you, but it did.”

“I think I almost understand. Ruby talked about it also. It did not make sense then, but when I relate it to your experience perhaps I can begin to see. But …”

“But?”

“But I do not feel the same way. The single blow upon my thigh was beyond pain. I do not see that I could ever take pleasure in that. I do not wish to be whipped again—ever. I do not think I shall even ride with a crop in the future.”

“I understand.” God, did she actually think that he could ever take a crop to her after … All he wished to do from this moment until forever was cherish her.

“Do you? You asked if I would leave you. No, I will not, but neither can I do this for you. Even the thought of it makes me want to lose the bites of ham I have consumed. I do not believe this will ever change—am sure that it will never change.”

“I understand.” And he did.

“So you said, but do you? I also will not share. I have always known that men of our class are rarely faithful to their wives. I thought that I would manage if this came to pass. And I did manage—with John. I do not believe I could do so with you.”

“You will not need to.” He’d never even considered fidelity before, but now he could imagine nothing else.

“How can you say that? What if I cannot be what you need?”

Reaching across the table, he took her other hand and spoke his heart. “Louisa, you are what I need, all that I need. I never thought I would say these words—never thought I would feel them—but Louisa, I love you. When I wasn’t sure if I could save you, I would rather have died myself than have you injured. It would have killed me to hurt you—even when I knew it might be the only way I could save you. Thank God that Duldon arrived when he did. You are what I need. You are all that I need.”

“How can you know that? From what Madame said you have always wanted more.”

“Ruby sent me to you that first night. She knew me better than I know myself. She knew what it was that I wanted, and from what I have seen you are very happy giving it to me.”