Make a Wish (Spark House #3)(43)

I wanted it to work. I liked having a group of friends and a boyfriend to hang out with that wasn’t attached to my sisters. Chad is fun to be with, but he and I weren’t an ideal couple. We were just passing time, and maybe dating each other was a way not to be a fifth wheel in a group of couples.

It took Gavin and Peyton coming back into my life to make me see that.

And where does that leave me: back at square one?





Twelve


COURSE CORRECT


HARLEY

I know I made the right decision in breaking it off with Chad. As awful as I feel, it’s not heartache that’s the problem, it’s guilt over realizing I was in a relationship with him for all the wrong reasons. And now that I’m no longer dating him, I can see all of those clearly, in a way I couldn’t or wouldn’t allow myself to before.

We were never each other’s endgame. As angry as he was last night, and I think he had a good reason to feel that way, I truly believe once he has some time to really think about it, he’ll see that I’m right.

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

I get ready for work on autopilot, feeling a lot like Eeyore with a black rain cloud hanging over my head. I should be in a good mood because we’re preparing for the huge sweet sixteen party, but my excitement over that is completely overshadowed by the breakup. I hate that it happened the way it did and that I hurt Chad.

On the way to work I stop at my favorite bakery, pick up pecan cinnamon rolls and order myself a coffee milkshake—because all breakups require sugar in copious quantities—and head to Spark House.

“Uh-oh.” London’s gaze goes directly to the shake in my hand. “It’s only nine and you’re drinking ice cream. What happened?”

“I broke up with Chad.” I slurp on my shake. It’s salted caramel.

“I’m sorry.” Her expression shifts to understanding, and she pulls me in for a long hug. When she finally releases me, she steps back and tucks my hair behind my ear. London has always been half-sister and half-mom to me, which is ironic since Avery is the oldest. “How did he take it?”

“He was … hurt and upset.” I feel like a bag of crap about the whole thing.

She tips her head to the side. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I nod and finally the tears well. I wish I’d seen the truth of our relationship sooner, so I could have avoided hurting Chad like I did.

“He thought I was cheating on him with Gavin,” I tell her.

She takes my hand and pulls me over to the chairs in the center of our office where we often have our brainstorming sessions. “Because you’ve been spending so much time with him?”

I nod and drop down into the chair beside her. “I would never sleep with someone else while I was in a relationship. But I realized last night that I have been spending a lot of time with Gavin and Peyton. More time than I’ve been spending with Chad. And the worst part is realizing I prefer spending time with them over him.”

London gives me a sad, patient smile. She’s familiar with being in relationships that don’t work out. She had a few of them before she finally met Jackson. And even then, she was pretty oblivious to how into her he was, until he laid his cards on the table. She’d never allowed herself to love someone deeply until him, maybe because we know what it feels like to lose the people we love the most. Love is scary because it has the power to make you feel whole and tear you apart.

“Sometimes an emotional affair feels just as damaging as a physical one.”

I bite the inside of my cheek. “Do you think that’s what I’ve been doing?”

“No. Not consciously, anyway. I think Gavin and Peyton fill a hole for you, but I’m a little worried about what that looks like in the future. I remember how hard it was on you when they moved away all those years ago. You really struggled with that loss. I wasn’t sure if there was more to it than just missing Peyton. I guess the question you need to answer for yourself, honestly, is if this is about spending time with Peyton, or are you are as invested in Gavin as you are her?”

I run my hands down my face. “I don’t know. I think I’ve been trying to convince myself that Peyton is the reason we’re spending so much time together, but now I feel like I’ve been burying my head in the sand and it’s taken this breakup with Chad for me to see that. I like spending time with them. Both of them.”

London turns a strip of paper into a star and sets it on the arm of her chair. “What if you take Peyton out of the equation?”

“I can’t do that.”

“Would you still have feelings for Gavin if she wasn’t a factor? Do you want to spend time with him without Peyton?” she asks.

“I … I think so? But I just broke up with Chad. It’s probably not a good idea for me to get involved with anyone at all. And this is a complicated situation. Peyton is comfortable with me.”

London hesitates before she finally says, “Please don’t take offense, but are you sure Gavin isn’t pulling you back into his and Peyton’s life because of exactly that reason?”

I think about all the time we’ve spent together. How we have fun together, but it always revolves around Peyton. Now that I look back on his introduction to Chad and my never mentioning the fact that I had a boyfriend, I have to wonder if subconsciously I’d done that on purpose. Even then I’d known why Chad was upset, but I’d brushed it off as nothing.