MacKenzie Fire(18)

Andie smiles, and the two of us stare at each other while we send private brain-wave messages back and forth. She’s loving me, grateful that I got the Banana girl off her back and also very happy that she can still fit in a booth. I’m happy that I could help make that happen for her. Maybe she’ll forget for the time being that I shot her husband’s brother.

“Do you want anything, or did you just come in here to do a health inspection?” Hannah taps her foot on the floor.

I look up at her and smile sweetly. I can afford to be magnanimous because I won this round. “I’ll have one of those waffles I’ve heard so much about and a cup of coffee.” I shift my gaze. “Andie?”

She’s back to being serious. “I’ll have some herbal tea.”

“Sorry, we’re all out.” Hannah gives Andie a tight smile. She doesn’t look very sad about it.

“Okay, how about some decaf?”

“Nope. We’re all out of that too.”

Glancing over to the spot behind the counter where the coffee machine rests, I can see very clearly that there are two pots there and one of them has an orange top. Hannah, you lying b-word.

I stand without thinking about my next move. Once again, my amazing brain takes over and saves the day. “Hey, Joe!” I wave like a maniac in his direction.

Along with the cook, everyone sitting at the counter turns to look at me. Joe the cook is clearly confused. He’s probably not used to strangers calling him out from the middle of the restaurant, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Pregnant ladies should not be denied their herbal tea. I mean, what if Andie’s uterus starts to relax too much? We can’t have that happening around bacon and waffles. These people would be scarred for life. I know I would be.

“You got any herbal tea in the back?” I yell.

He shrugs and then says, “Yeah. Guess so.”

I sit down and scrunch my nose up all cute at Hannah. “Guess you got some in the back you forgot about.”

Hannah spins around and leaves us without another word. Not one single strand of her brittle hair-nest moves. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

Andie rests her chin on her hand with a sigh. “Just what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?”

I take the paper napkin from under the silverware and use it to buff the water spots off my knife. “Just trying the waffles.”

She folds her arms on the table in front of her. “You know I have to live here, right?”

“Of course I do.” I line my silverware up and put my messy napkin in my lap, smoothing it as best I can. I can’t meet her eyes right now. She’ll be able to detect the fact that her uterus makes me nervous.

“If you could not make enemies of half the people in town, that would be awesome.”

I look up and stare at her because I’m shocked she feels this way about me. Now I’ve forgotten all about her silly womb. After all I’ve done for her so far, this is what she has to say to me? I’m starting to worry about Mack’s influence. Maybe it’s not as good as I thought.

“Enemies?” I say. “What are you talking about?” Maybe pregnancy makes her talk nonsense. I know too many beers does.

She shifts her gaze over to Hannah who’s busy banging cups around behind the counter. Then she looks back at me and lifts a brow.

“Who? Her? Banana girl? Pffft. She’s just a silly old kitty peeing on walls. She just needs to know that you expect her to use the litter box, that’s all.”

Andie frowns. “I don’t follow.”

I sigh. It’s a pain always having to explain things to her. She never gets my metaphors. We function on a totally different level sometimes. “You know how sometimes you get a cat, and instead of using the litter box, it pees on the wall or the side of the bed or in your laundry basket?”

“Uh … no.”

“Okay, well it happens. It’s the cat trying to tell you that it’s not happy. You’re not doing things the way it wants. And cat pee stinks.” I wait a moment for my wisdom to sink in.

“Yes, I guess it does.”

“So you just have to whack that kitty.” I mime smacking a cat on the buns. “Pop! Show it who’s boss.”

“Whack the kitty?”

“Yes. Whack the kitty.” I nod. She’s finally getting it. Phew. I thought this was going to be one of those times I have to walk her through it step-by-step. Those times give me headaches.

“Do you whack kitties?” she asks.

“Of course not. What do you take me for, an animal abuser?” I instantly picture Ian with a bow in his hand. “Oh, and by the way … speaking of animal abusers, did you know your brother-in-law kills animals?” I nod but don’t wait for her response. “Yeah. It’s true. I thought he was cute before, but once I found that out, I decided he’s not cute at all. He’s ugly. Maybe not on the outside, but on the inside, yes. I’m glad he’s bouncing The Banana. They deserve each other.”

Andie sighs like she just let out all her stress in one breath and smiles. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

I smile back. “Of course I realize it. You’re stuck in this one-horse town surrounded by bumpkins. How could you not miss my metropolitan charm and intellectual banter?”