Love in the Vineyard (Tavonesi #7)(90)
When it came to love, maybe she was still a coward.
If she didn’t risk telling Adrian she loved him, she risked a loss far greater than heartbreak, far worse than the pain of disappointment. If she didn’t take the step that loving him had emboldened her to take, she would always know that she had let fear win, that she had folded and succumbed to its numbing restriction, that she had shut down the blessing that having him in her life had been. Her time with Adrian had forced her to grow and change, to become the full woman that loving him had allowed her to glimpse.
Loving Adrian had made her face and move beyond the walls blocking her from exploring the frontiers of her life—from trusting herself and from valuing her dreams. Loving him had lured her to find the strength and courage and confidence she’d never thought possible to find. Courage to be herself not because she had a man but because love had come to her and had shown her a new path.
And like a wild dragon charging in and banishing negative influences, making love with him had loosened the cords of shame that had bound her, had unraveled the net of fear that had kept her from feeling anything deeply, anything hopeful. And along with her newfound freedom came a grace she hadn’t imagined existed. A surrender she didn’t fear.
Didn’t she owe it to herself, to Tyler—to Adrian—to call up her courage and reach for love? To tell Adrian how loving him had strengthened her and had opened her to a love she hadn’t dared to believe could exist? To tell him the tender truth that she barely admitted to herself?
But even as her mind rallied, her heart trembled in her chest. The chasm she’d have to cross was wide. He would have to meet her halfway.
And maybe it wasn’t cowardice that held her back from telling Adrian she loved him. Maybe it was kindness.
He’d already given her so much. Asking him to leap the gap that separated them was inconceivable. And uncaring.
Perhaps she should simply be grateful for her new confidence and courage, for the skills she’d learned. Perhaps having known love in her own heart was enough. Maybe it was greedy to expect more.
And if he didn’t love her, she knew him well enough to know that forcing him to admit it would slash hurt into his heart. He was always looking out for the needs of others, to a fault, a fault he would someday have to face.
Perhaps the lesson—the gift—was her newfound strength, a gift she might never have discovered if it hadn’t been for him. She closed her eyes and let awareness of her growing strength surge through her. She could run the native plant business. Already she was reading better, working with numbers better. She could do it. She’d have help, Adrian had said so. She had a gift for plants, one she could—no, one she would—honor. Her mother had given up her dream, her career, to have her, to raise her. The least she could do was to make something of herself and follow her own dream, make her mother’s sacrifice count. She’d stay at the Casa and run the business. Maybe someday even start a business of her own. She owed it to her mother. To Tyler. To herself. Even to Adrian.
And though her heart was breaking in a thousand different ways, she felt a flame ignite. She’d done the right thing by sending Adrian away, by releasing him back into his world. She could go on. She would. And though some part of her would always yearn for what could have been with him, she’d have her memories. Surely those would be enough.
Natasha’s apartment was quiet the next morning, too quiet. Tyler had slept over at the Exeters’ with a couple of the other boys from his baseball team.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and wandered to the window overlooking her lawn.
Where she blinked repeatedly, not trusting her eyes.
Hundreds of long-stemmed roses stood upright like sentries, covering the space so thickly that she couldn’t see the grass between them. Tags fluttered from each of them, dancing in the light morning breeze.
She looked beyond the roses.
Adrian stood leaning against her mailbox with an unreadable expression on his face.
Her hands trembled as she set her coffee on the windowsill. Adrian didn’t move, just watched her through her window.
She dashed out onto her front steps. Her body shook and her heart pounded, making it hard to stand. She dropped to her knees, never letting her eyes leave his.
“That’s the position I had in mind for myself,” he said as he came up the walk and knelt beside her. “But I have a few things I need to say to you first.”
“How… How did you do this?”
“You once told me you loved roses.”
“But how…”
“Enrique and Parker helped me. It took two hours. He’s a good worker.”
“Parker?”
“Enrique. Parker supervised.”
Adrian took her hand in his and tugged her to her feet. At his touch, her heart melted. All her good intentions to keep her distance dissolved like bubbles in a breeze.
“Forgive my irrational act,” he said, sweeping his arm toward the rose-covered lawn. “I hope it will be my last. But I must apologize. I know now I was wrong to do what I did. I mean I was wrong in the way that I did it, making a decision that affected your life as I did, without consulting you.”
He released her hands.
“All my life I’ve lived in the shadow of my wealth, with resources and privilege I did nothing to earn. I’ve been fighting that demon shadow for longer than I can remember. It twisted how I could be with people, always making me second-guess the motives of everyone around me. And so I shut down my heart and buried myself in my work.”