Love in the Light (Hearts in Darkness, #2)(48)

“Not if they’re in their right f*cking mind,” Frank said to a round of laughter.

Some of the men cleared out, leaving Caden, Dave, Frank, and Wallace at the table. The other three men all had a good twenty or more years on Caden, which maybe explained why they talked to and looked at him in almost a fatherly way. They asked about the aftermath of the accident, about what he’d done after school, about his training and station, and about his personal life—whether he had a family of his own.

“Not yet,” Caden said, finishing the last bite of his apple pie. “Truth be told, I had someone, but I messed it up. I’ve struggled with PTSD and anxiety ever since the accident, and I let it get the best of me. I’ve been working on how to make it right. How to make myself right. I guess that’s what led me here.” It felt right to be honest with them. And, frankly, he was in the middle of a more meaningful conversation about his life than any he’d ever had with his own old man.

Sitting next to him, Dave nailed Caden with a stare. “Let me tell you something, Caden.” He paused for a long moment. “We talked about you around here. Those of us on that call, we were all affected by what we encountered out there that morning, and we talked about it more than once. I’ll tell you straight, every single one of us was surprised as hell that you survived that accident. Your father, too, though the rear section of the car was in the worst shape. I can still picture how flattened it was. Like it had gone through a compactor.” The other men nodded. “Whatever difficulties you’ve faced, I imagine you came by them honestly after that. But you need to know that you surviving, that was a miracle to my mind.”

“Yeah,” Frank said. “You were damn lucky.” Wallace nodded.

Lucky.

For so long, Caden hadn’t believed such a thing existed, not for him. And here these men all agreed that’s what he’d been. Had he been looking at it wrong all these years?

Emotion clogged Caden’s throat and momentarily stole his ability to speak. He nodded. “I appreciate that because…because sometimes I’ve had to ask myself why I survived when my mother and brother didn’t.” He shook his head.

“It’s the wrong question,” Dave said. “A better one is, what happened because you survived? And I’ll tell you. Because you survived, you went on to become a paramedic. And what you did today for me, by coming in here and telling me what my help meant to you? There are people out there who feel the same way about you. You may never meet them—hell, you probably won’t, that’s the nature of the thing—but they’re out there for you just like you were for me. And I want to thank you for that, for what you said. Because this job makes you confront a lot of hard things and it takes you away from your family at all hours and it puts you in harm’s way, so it’s good to know that what I do—what we all do,” he said, gesturing at all of them seated there, “matters.”

“Amen to that,” Wallace said, raising his coffee cup and taking a swig.

As Dave’s words sank in, Caden felt a little like he’d walked cartoon-like into a pole he hadn’t seen coming. The idea that Caden might matter to someone as much as Dave did to Caden, the idea that what Caden did for his patients might impact them the same way Dave’s care had impacted Caden all those years ago…it was f*cking revelatory.

His scalp prickled and his heart raced. All these years that Caden had wasted feeling worthless and guilty, wondering what the point of his surviving had been, he’d always thought of his work as paying a debt he owed. And there was truth in that. But there was truth in what Dave said, too.

What Caden did mattered to a lot of people.

Which meant that he mattered, whether he felt it or not.

Damn. Damn.

That idea parked itself on Caden’s chest like a thirty-ton ladder truck. That shit wasn’t going anywhere.

It was like sunlight breaking through heavy black clouds, the golden rays streaming in and touching everything in their paths. Illuminating things that had been dark for so long. Shedding light on things long forgotten. It was a lightness of being that Caden couldn’t ever remember feeling before. Soul-healing relief rushed in behind the light, along with the unimaginable—forgiveness.

And not just for himself.

Had Caden’s father ever had anyone to talk to about the accident? Because if Caden felt guilt just for surviving, what must his father have felt for being the one behind the wheel?

The question was another eye-opener, one that had his heart letting go of some of the anger Caden had carried for over half of his life. And more of that light streamed in.

Before long, he was exchanging contact information with Dave and the others and saying his good-byes. And Caden felt like he’d finally figured out Dr. Ward’s advice. Because an hour with the men who’d saved his life had done more to give him closure on the accident than anything else in the past fourteen years.

“Hey, Caden,” Dave called as Caden was heading out of the bay.

Caden turned. “Yeah?”

Dave gave him a serious look. “If I’ve learned anything, it’s that little matters more than family and love. Do whatever you have to do to win back that girl.”

“I’m going to do everything I can,” Caden said.

And after today, he finally felt like he might be ready.