Love Beyond Words (City Lights, #1)(59)
But it would be too unfair to call Liberty for her own selfish purposes. So she said nothing, called no one, and went to school and work, feeling as though she had a lead weight hanging around her neck.
And then she received Julian’s letter.
It came to the café, and she found the gesture fitting. Two pages written on fine paper and with the pen she had given him, of that she was sure. She recognized immediately the candid, elegant prose of Rafael Melendez Mendón. She was stunned to find herself the object of such artistry. It was ‘I love you’ stretched out over two pages. The words were more than words: they left imprints and imagery in her mind, and put emotions in her heart—the exact feelings he wanted her to feel and understand. She felt saturated. She absorbed the words into her heart where they glowed.
And at the end: Forgive me, my love, so that I may breathe again.
Your Julian
It was a slow night. Sunday night, and usually her night off, but she’d taken a shift to avoid sitting alone in her place, brooding. But the café was empty and she’s been doing nothing but brood anyway. Natalie wiped the tears from her eyes, picked up her cell phone.
“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of his mouth.
“That’s cheating, you know,” she said.
“What is?”
“Writing to me.”
“I know. But I screwed up and I don’t have anything else. Can I send a car? I want to see you here. I want to un—tell you to leave. I…I can’t believe I said that.”
“It’s okay,” Natalie said. “I called you crazy.”
“I was. To hurt you…”
“Julian?”
“Yes?”
“I’ll come over.”
She heard him heave a tremulous sigh. “Thank you.”
#
It was late when she arrived, after her shift. Julian looked chagrined as he kissed her cheek and walked her in. She stopped and took his hands. “Hey,” she said. “It’s all right.”
He smiled faintly. “Come on. Let’s sit. Would you like anything? Something to drink?”
“No, thank you.”
He nodded warily and sat with her on the couch. The city’s lights glimmered in front of them.
“I have to tell you how sorry I am for how I spoke to you the other day,” he began. “In person, face to face, and not hiding behind my writing. That’s cowardly and I apologize.”
“Julian, we had an argument. It’s no big deal.”
“But it is. It’s not just the words I spoke, but the tone. The disdain and contempt. It’s awful, and I don’t know where it comes from. Residual anger, I suppose, from my father’s absence. That’s the most obvious diagnosis, isn’t it?” He sighed and looked out over the city. “No matter the source, my temper is horrible and you shouldn’t have to witness it, let alone be its target.”
Natalie heard David’s ugly words resound in her head. He threw a vase…She didn’t want to ask but she had to, even though some part of her was sure David was lying. “Has it ever been really bad?”
“It’s never good.”
“No, I mean has it ever become…more than just words?”
Julian’s head snapped around and the expression of genuine horror on his face told her everything she needed to know. Goddamn you, David. And me, for feeding such awful notions.
“Oh Natalie, no,” he breathed. “Que Dios me ayude, no. Never. I swear on my mother’s soul, I would never…”
“No, don’t.” Natalie waved her hands. “I believe you.”
“But I put that fear in you. I did. I’m so sorry.”
She wanted to scream, You didn’t! David did. But that would mean telling him they’d talked about him behind his back. Shame burned her cheeks. “I’m not afraid of you, Julian. Put it out of your head. Please.”
The earnestness in her voice mollified him somewhat, but she could see he was still wracked by guilt. “Even so. I shouldn’t have talked to you as I did. I shouldn’t talk to anyone like that.”
“Everyone says things they regret when they’re angry, Julian,” she said. “I did. It’s what happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
He shook his head miserably. “My mother was so kind. She never had a harsh word for anyone, not even my father. So it must come from him, mustn’t it? I don’t know what to do.”
“Go to Rijeka,” Natalie said. “Find your father’s spirit there. Make peace with him.”
He looked at her a moment; she could see the idea turning behind his eyes. “Will you come with me?”
“Of course, Julian. Of course, I will.”
#
They retreated to his bed where she tucked her back against his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. She hadn’t slept well in the three days of their argument and now sleep tried to claim her quickly.
“I want to sleep now. Talk to me as I fall asleep, Rafael. Talk to me in Spanish.”
She felt him nod and then he spoke, his voice a gentle rumble against her ears, lulling her with the beauty of his voice, his language. She recognized a few words; he was speaking simply, slowly, and inexplicably his heart had begun to pound against her back.