Love Beyond Words (City Lights, #1)(31)

She nodded and swallowed hard, her voice small and tremulous when she next spoke. “You’re married, aren’t you?”

He nearly burst out laughing at the absurdity but didn’t dare. “No, I’m not.”

Relief flitted over her delicate feature and was gone again. “Are you gay? Are you dying? I just don’t…What is it?”

“I can’t tell you now. Not here. Tomorrow night. At my home, where I can show you—”

“What? No. Tell me now…”

“I can’t, Natalie.”

“Why not?”

“Because, my love,” he said, infusing each word with as much truth as he could muster, “you would not believe me.” He could see the import sink in but he said it again. “You wouldn’t believe me. I could quote a thousand poems, I could show you what’s in those books—“ he indicated the black and white comp book on the table, the last of his now-finished novel, “but it wouldn’t be enough. You’d think it all a terrible, manipulative ploy. I have to do it right. This is hard for me too, I promise you.”

She blinked hard, her eyes glittering. “I don’t understand. Why is it so hard to tell me? Why has it taken so long?”

He moved closer to her, cupped her face in his hands. The desire to kiss her again was fierce but giving in again would be unforgivable.

“Sometimes the mind shrinks away from the what the heart wants because what the heart wants is so good, so impossibly extraordinary, that to keep it forever would be a miracle. The mind can imagine losing everything, while the heart can’t. It only wants what it wants.”

He felt her melt into his touch. “Am I…that? To you?”

“More than that.” He stroked her cheek. “Come over tomorrow night. I’ll make you dinner and tell you everything. Please.”

Natalie nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “Okay.”

He could’ve wept with relief. “Thank you.”

Julian was grateful for the storm. There was nothing romantic about the cold, glassy pellets that stung his cheek, or the icy wind that dampened his ardor. He shielded Natalie from it with his coat as she locked up Niko’s and then unlocked her gate. The concrete stairwell to her place was hollow, and gritty with tracked in mud. And dark. He loathed the idea of watching her make that ascent alone yet again, as much as he loathed the idea of returning to his own empty place. Only once more, he told himself as she slipped behind the wrought iron gate. Once more and then we’ll be free.





Chapter Fourteen


“Are you sure you can handle all this mystery and intrigue?” Liberty asked.

Natalie could hear soft music in the background that meant her friend was at work. “No,” she said. “Yes. I don’t know.” She plucked at a stray thread on her couch cushion. “I just thought I’d call and tell you…”

“In case he’s a serial killer? Not that I’d be able to help since you don’t know where he lives. “

“Financial District.”

“Oh, that narrows it down.”

“Look, I trust him. At least as much to know he’s not going to kill me.” Natalie smirked at the absurdity of those words. “I trust him,” she said again. He called me his love. Her cheeks warmed at the thought.

“Then why are you calling me?”

“Maybe because it feels crazy if I keep it in my head.”

“Mmmm,” Liberty mused. “I wonder what the hell it is he’s going to tell you. Aren’t you dying to know?”

“Not really. Honestly, I just want it to be something that explains all the coming and going. Something normal.”

“With men, there is no such thing as normal.” Liberty took a sharp intake of breath. “Oh my god, I’ve got it! He’s got a kid. You know, like, from a previous marriage or something. And he doesn’t want to bring any woman around until he’s sure she’s the real deal.”

“Liberty, you’re a genius!”

“Right? It explains everything. Those long stretches when he doesn’t show up? That’s when he’s got custody.”

“That makes the most sense. I knew it couldn’t be something awful. I knew it.”

“So now the real question is, are you okay with that? With being the Not Mommy in some kid’s life? You’d be going from first date to instant family.”

“No, that’s not what still bothers me. Even if that’s the reason, it’s been months. I can’t tell if I’m being reasonable or…”

“Taken advantage of?”

“Something like that.”

There was a pause and when Liberty spoke again, it was in tones gentler than Natalie had ever heard. “Honey, you really like him. Maybe in love with him, and I think you’re calling me to ask if that’s all right.”

“I don’t need permission—”

“Not permission. Checking in. You’re sort of new to this relationship stuff, so you want to make sure that you’re not doing something gullible because he’s extraordinarily good-looking. Am I right?”

Natalie smiled and hugged the pillow to her. “Maybe.”

“Maybe, yeah.” Liberty chuckled. “I’ll say this: if I were in your shoes, I would totally get in the car and go to dinner at his place, and hear whatever crazy-ass secret he’s got. But Natalie?”