Life In Reverse(27)

He glances over his shoulder to the car. “They were her favorite.”

“Come on.” I offer my hand and he stares at it for several long beats. His struggle is palpable and I can’t bear it. I allow my hand to fall, letting him off the hook. The sharing of his pain is probably all he can handle at this point.

He follows behind me to the car and we climb inside. “Hey, Ember.”

I check my side mirror, easing onto the highway. “Yeah?”

“Thank you.”





EXHAUSTION SETTLES INTO my bones. Saying the words aloud to Ember took everything I had. I’ve never shared that with anyone before. Still, I didn’t feel like I could keep it from her. It felt wrong in some way. Maybe because she’s so damn honest. Maybe because of her brother. Whatever the reason, the burden is lighter and I feel less alone.

Several minutes into the ride, her calm voice falls onto my ears. “You okay?” I appreciate that she doesn’t harass me for information I’m unwilling or not ready to give. She accepts what I have to offer. I find that to be a rare quality.

“Hanging in.”

Eventually, she veers off into a service station. As she pulls up to the pump, I reach for my wallet and take out two twenties. I hold them out to her but she pushes them away. “Nope. Don’t think so. I’m good.”

“I’d like to help pay for gas.”

She pats the dashboard three times. “This old baby is great on gas, so don’t worry about it. Pushing the door open, she slides out of the car but hangs her head back in. “You want anything inside?”

“Maybe some mints?”

Fifteen minutes later when there is still no sign of her and I’m ready to call out The National Guard, she finally emerges.

“What the hell, Mickey?” I growl through her window as she lifts the pump. “I was getting ready to call the police.”

“If you must know,” she smiles, “I was browsing.”

I gesture toward the small run-down shop. “Browsing? At a gas station?”

“Yes. And you’ll be happy I did. Here.” She tosses one of those sample size Crest toothpastes and a travel toothbrush onto the seat along with a roll of mints and a package of Twinkies. “They were the only ones that didn’t seem stale and I remember Julian said you’re into junk food.”

“Thanks,” I reply, stunned she picked my favorite. “And toothpaste, too?” I lift the tube near my mouth with a strained grin. “Trying to tell me something?”

“No. Actually,” she clarifies, her expression awkward, “I thought maybe you’d want to clean your mouth, is all. After, you know….”

“I know.” I cringe, realizing she saw me hurl all over the highway. “Thanks.”

Nothing else is said the remainder of the trip, but it’s not uncomfortable. I’ve wandered back to the hell that is my mind while Ember hums to herself, the music playing softly in the background.

As we get closer, a storm inside me is brewing. Already, sweat builds on my upper lip and my head begins a slow pound that gets worse as we pass each off-ramp. “It’s the Winston exit, one hundred nineteen to highway forty two,” I choke out, and Ember proceeds to put her blinker on and get in the right hand lane.

I’m not so sure this was a good idea. At least when I’m by myself and I break down, I can do it without any outside witnesses or judgment. Not that I think she would judge me at this point, because I don’t think she would. I just don’t want anyone else to see me this vulnerable.

“Take a left at the end of the exit and then a right at the first traffic light.” I’m on autopilot now as I square my shoulders and exhale a deep breath as if preparing for battle. The illusion of strength is better than the messy reality of shit living inside of me. Besides, someone has to be strong for my mother. My father barely comes here at all. And Julian, well, it’s just too hard for him. I want to scream that this is f*cking hard for me, too. But I can’t stop—because that means I’ve given up hope. And once that’s gone. What’s left?

My fingers grip the door handle, knuckles turning red from the exertion. Suddenly, my skin is too tight for my own body. Everything is coming to a head, like an explosion that can’t be contained. “My mother has been here for a few years now. It never gets any easier.”

The car slows to a stop and I sense Ember’s hand moving toward mine on the seat. It never quite makes it and I let out a ragged breath. I’m not sure it’s relief. But I do know it’s better for me this way.

“I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is for you. Do you…,” she starts. A thick pause, then she tries again. “I mean… would you like me to come in with you?”

I’m taken aback, and at the same time, there is nothing I wouldn’t f*cking do to not have to go in there alone. But I don’t want her to see my mother like this. And I’m trying like hell for her not to see me.

I look up to find those big green eyes full of concern, and I want to scream yes at the top of my lungs. The one word my lips can’t seem to form. Instead, I shake my head as I reach for the door handle, glancing back to give her a half-smile. “I appreciate it, though.”

My legs are like lead as I walk toward the building. Putting one foot in front of the other is too much effort. My steps slow and instead of going forward, I end up slouched against the cement wall. Sweat breaks out across my neck and under my arms. Rejection of this whole damn situation crawls along my skin like a rash that never goes away. The clock is ticking though, and I know that. It’s been six years and while I f*cking hate statistics, I can’t ignore them.