Letters to Nowhere(32)

I laughed and opened my eyes, taking in Jordan’s worried expression. “I don’t care about Tony’s comments. It doesn’t bother me. I know what I look like, what other girls my age look like. But I’m not going to have boy hips and a flat chest forever. I won’t be four eleven and three quarters forever. I’m okay with it, really.”

Jordan stepped closer, resting a hand on the red brick beside my head. “I’m gonna kiss you.”

My stomach jumped up toward my heart. “What?”

“I’m going to kiss you.” He had this serious, determined look on his face. “I mean, I won’t if you don’t want me to…”

I could feel my eyes widen as he leaned closer, my heart hammering faster, every other muscle in my body completely frozen. No words of protest were able to fall from my tongue before his mouth was on mine. My eyes drifted shut, my stomach doing a dozen floor routines beneath my rib cage.

Holy crap. Jordan Bentley is kissing me.

His mouth was soft despite the cold air. He pressed his lips more firmly against mine for a second longer before pulling back and slowly opening his eyes.

My heart thudded so loud I could barely hear anything going on in my head. And I really liked when my thoughts were silenced.

Jordan’s forehead wrinkled. “Was that okay?”

“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “It happened so fast. And I’m not sure exactly why you did it?”

Nerves and confusion filled his expression and then he backed away and leaned against the wall beside me. “I’m gonna be totally honest with you and you should appreciate that, considering how rare it is for a guy my age to spill exactly what he’s thinking.”

My chest was still rising and falling, post–treadmill style.

“First of all,” Jordan said, turning his head toward me. “Confidence in a girl is such a turn–on. You have no idea.”

I laughed, despite the awkward tension.

“Second, I never really have anything to offer anyone.” He smirked at me. “Besides my abs and hamstrings.”

I rolled my eyes. “Of course.”

“But with you—” The smile dissolved from his face and I felt my heart flying again. “It feels like I’ve known you forever. And when I think about everything you’re going through, how much I get it…it just makes me want to kiss you.” He paused, watching my face carefully like he was ready for a big reaction of some kind. “I don’t know what that means…I wish I did.”

“You don’t know what it means in the same way you don’t know why you decided to make out with that Sara girl a few weeks ago?” I asked, trying to understand these multiple levels of confusion.

“No, with Sara it was just shallow hormonal driven behavior for both of us,” he said drawing in a deep breath. “Not that kissing you means something serious. That’s what I’m trying to tell you—I don’t know what it means, just that it wasn’t shallow and hormonal. You’ve never thought about kissing me before?”

“No, not really.” But I am now. I chewed at the dry skin around my thumb nail. “And I don’t really think I’ve been all that confident.”

“You’re not insecure about your body or being accepted. How many girls your age do you think are like that?” Jordan asked, giving me his single dimple half smile.

“You’re such a dweeb,” I said, returning the smile. “I am so going to tell everyone here that Jordan Bentley actually used the phrase, ‘insecure about your body.’”

I turned my back on him, pretending to walk toward the bonfire. Jordan hooked his arm around my waist from behind, holding me back. “Don’t even think about it. We share a bathroom, remember? There are so many ways I could get back at you.”

I spun around, not realizing how close my face would be to his. I could see the light brown speckles in his eyes, the little bit of red on the end of his nose from the cold, the scar just above his right eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

He nudged me until my back touched the side of the house again. He was so close I could feel his heart pounding just as fast as mine. And my mind turned to hazy, warm fuzziness that covered all the bad thoughts like a thick blanket. One of his arms curved around my back, his other hand resting on my cheek. He leaned down, lowering his face to mine and my hands were reaching up, touching the sides of his neck.

His mouth barely touched mine and then he stopped. “Shit…Karen . . .”

“What?” I managed to whisper.

He lifted his eyes to meet mine. “We can’t do this. Something about it just feels so wrong.”

The world came back into focus and my face must have been bright red with humiliation. I dropped my hands and ducked under his arm. “Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen, okay? The first or the second time.”

Jordan jogged after me. “That’s the thing, I don’t really have to pretend anything with you and I like it that way. Crossing this line changes everything. It’ll be weird with us.”

I turned to face him. He looked so sincere and vulnerable it made me want to kiss him again. “You’re right. No kissing. Just friends.”

Relief washed over his face. “Great.” And then he hugged me really quick, like I had done earlier today. “Now, let’s go home before Coach Bentley figures out that neither of us are capable of eating pizza for three hours.”