Letters to Nowhere(31)

I almost fell off, right at the beginning, but then I leaned onto my back leg and saved it. The hardest part was watching the tracks Jordan had already made (with what little illumination Tony’s back porch lights provided) to make sure I got just a little closer than he had. When I did come within two feet of a huge oak tree, the most awesome rush of excitement and fear shot through my veins. I leapt off the sled, hitting my right shoulder into the snow first and then tumbling sideways. I watched the sled smack into the tree and do its own somersault in the air before landing with a thud.

I lay in the snow, catching my breath and letting the cold wet substance beneath me numb my body from any pain that fall may have caused. A few seconds later, Jordan stood over me laughing. “I’m dead if my dad ever finds out you did this. You know that, right?”

“Uh, yeah.” I accepted the hand he stuck out to help me up. “That was so awesome!”

He brushed the snow out of my hair, then he took off his white Cardinals stocking cap and pulled it over my head. “You must be freezing.”

“I’m in awe,” Tony said when we stood in front of the fire again. “Total awe. I never knew it would take a freshman girl to make Bentley look like an ass. All he does is show off like some Hollywood stunt man. Someone needed to knock him down from his giant pedestal.”

Jordan punched Tony in the arm, but otherwise looked unaffected.I smiled at him and sat in front of the fire, trying to warm my hands and dry my jeans. Jordan adjusted the hat on my head, folding up the bottom to keep it from covering my eyes, then he plopped down next to me on the bench. “Give me your hands.”

I put both hands in front of him and he held them in his, blowing warm air on them. “That’s very boyfriendly of you,” I said. “So what’s up with the girls you’re avoiding?”

He shrugged and moved his thumbs over the backs of my hands, rubbing them gently. “It’s not anything bad. Lindsey, the taller one with overly–perfect teeth, started bugging me about not going out with anyone, like not having a serious girlfriend. I think it was her way of trying to get me to ask her out.”

“But you don’t want to ask her out?” I couldn’t blame him for that. She seemed very annoying and fake.

“Correct,” he said right away. “The problem is, when you turn a girl down and you’re not dating someone else, you’re basically saying that something’s wrong with her. I hate getting into that shit.”

I smiled. “Oh, so you’re secretly nice underneath all your shallow comments and observations of the opposite sex.”

“If I were nice, I’d just be honest and say no, but I’m too chicken to tell a girl why I don’t like her. I mean, who wants to create a complex for someone, right? And your fingers are about five degrees away from frostbite.” He quickly stuck my hands under the front of his shirt, pressing them to his bare stomach.

My heart immediately started pounding. “Uh…is this your way of getting me to feel your abs? Because I’m pretty impressed. You have nice hamstrings, too,” I blurted out.

“I think I would blush if it were someone besides you saying that.” His brown eyes swirled with reflected color from the fire. “But I have a feeling your compliment will be followed by asking me what type of core conditioning I’ve been doing.”

Maybe…

Because I was pretending to be someone’s girlfriend, it was easier to be bold now, kind of like wearing a costume. I pulled my hands from beneath his and gripped his fingers, sliding them under the bottom of my sweater. “Let’s compare. But I’m sure you’ve got me beat.”

Jordan jumped, his gaze zooming in on his hands under my shirt, which I quickly realized meant something completely different than my hands under his shirt. He swallowed hard, his gaze lifting to meet mine.

My face flared up like an oven. “I’m sorry.” I released his hands and shoved them toward his lap. My eyes darted sideways, trying to see if anyone was watching. They were, of course. I stood up keeping my eyes on the hill. “I’m gonna use the bathroom.”

I moved quickly around the bonfire and then around to the side of the house and leaned against the wall, catching my breath. Oh my God. I just put a boy’s hands under my shirt. A little higher and he would have known exactly how big my chest wasn’t.

“Karen?” Jordan said, appearing in front of me. I could barely see him in the dark.

I covered my hands with my face. “Sorry…I wasn’t trying to—I’m just stupid when it comes to this stuff.”

He pried my hands off my face. “I don’t think I’m the first guy at a high school party to get caught feeling up a girl.”

“I know that, but it’s different with me,” I said with a sigh. “I’m not…well…”

“You’re right,” Jordan said. “It is different with you.”

“Don’t want take advantage of the flat–chested freshman who looks like she’s twelve,” I said, closing my eyes, feeling the exhaustion of the entire weekend rolling over me in giant waves. Right at that very moment, I wanted my mom more than I had in weeks. I didn’t care if that made me less mature. She’d know what to say. She’d know about all of this.

“Don’t listen to Tony,” he said. “You do not look twelve, seriously…besides—”