Leo's Chance(12)

"I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I talk to you a lot, I have a feeling you hear me. But I should have come here. Seeing where you are, it just feels so… real, I guess." I stare down at his marker for several minutes before I go on.

"I'm so sorry, buddy. I hope wherever you are that you can find it in your heart to forgive me." I pause, gathering myself. "You must have wondered where I was, all those years. You must have wondered what you did wrong. All your life, you must have wondered what you did wrong. And I wasn't there to tell you that you did everything right. Buddy, with what you were given, you did everything right. And I never came back for you. And I have to live with that. But you had to live with that too, and it must have confused you and hurt you." Tears are sliding down my cheeks now, but I let them fall because Seth deserves each and every one of them. Fuck my pride. I sigh and collect myself a little, plucking at the grass. "Remember when dad came home that time rip roaring drunk and me and mom were so damn tense, walking on eggshells? And he turned away and you started mimicking him by teetering around and going squinty eyed?" I laugh out loud at the memory. "Mom thought you were just being you, she was too wrapped up in her own world to notice who you were. But I saw what you were doing and it cracked me up so much I started laughing out loud. Dad decked me because he thought I was making fun of him, which I was, actually. But, f*ck, Seth, it was worth it because we were in on the joke together and that was f*cking awesome. We connected and those were the moments I lived for with you. I wore that black eye around for two weeks, proudly. I hope you carried a few moments like that with you, too. I hope you know that I saw you. And I hope you know that I needed you too, buddy."

I sit plucking at the grass, letting the memories wash over me, letting the past in, despite the fact that it hurts. It hurts so damn bad.

"What was that stupid little song that you used to ask me for every night? Baa Baa Black Sheep? Remember that? I swear I sang that damn song fifty thousand times." I chuckle but then I feel myself grimace with the hurt the memory brings. "I'd sing it fifty thousand more, buddy, if I could just have you back. I hope you know that."

I pause for several minutes, picturing my little brother's face, his smile, hearing his voice in my head. Then I recite very, very quietly, "Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for my master, one for my dame, and one for the little boy who lives down the lane. Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full. One for my master, one for my dame, and one for the little boy who lives down the lane."

I kneel down on the grass now and put my hands on the cold metal, tracing every letter of his name and the dates of his short life. "You mattered, Seth. In this world, you mattered. You mattered to me. You always will. I love you buddy. I want you to know that. You mattered." Then I stand up and I walk slowly back to my car.





CHAPTER 8


I get to the office a little before noon and I sit in my car in the garage for ten minutes pulling myself together. It’s been a long, emotional roller coaster of a morning. I put my head in my hands, massaging my temples even though I don’t have a headache. Yet. I was so happy when I left Evie’s, but now I’m just confused. Visiting Seth was hard and now I just want to call Evie and tell her about it. But of course, I can’t do that. It’s been eight years, but in some ways, I feel like it hasn’t been any time at all. I wonder if she feels a comfort level with me, too, that she’s having a hard time explaining to herself.

As I exit the elevator on my floor, Preston is walking down the hall toward me. Preston was my adoptive dad, Phil’s, business partner, with him practically from the beginning, when the company was just a startup. He’s extremely intelligent and an all-around good guy. I know my dad trusted him implicitly and I respect the hell out of him.

Even though Phil was an engineering guy just like Preston, Phil also had a really great knack for business, and so when he moved to San Diego to open an office there, the Ohio office suffered. It’s what I’ve been working so hard to reverse as the new CEO and I think I’ve made some major improvements. We’re now operating on solid ground.

"Jake!" he greets me. Preston looks like the ultimate engineer, skinny and geeky with thick glasses and a perpetual rumpled look, as if he sleeps at his desk. Hell, as far as I know, he does. Maybe that’s how he seems to do an inhuman amount of work.

"I was just coming to see if you had a minute to go over some of these designs I just got from engineering." He holds out a folder.

"Hey, Preston. Yeah, of course. Come on into my office."

We walk toward my office and he waits as I stop and greet Christine and grab my messages from her.

"You’re going to love these. The guys hit it out of the park with the new casing," Preston says.

We sit down at the four-person table in my office and go over all the designs, discussing our preferences and the details of the schematics. I focus easily on the work in front of us, lured in by the excitement and passion in Preston’s voice. We don’t agree on everything in front of us, but we discuss our differences easily and in the end, I convince him to take a chance on my design preference. He’s right; the engineers hit this one out of the park.

As he stands, he grips my shoulder and smiles, saying, "You remind me a lot of your dad as a young man, Jake. He always had a knack for convincing me to take his side. And he was almost always right." He laughs.