Left Drowning(81)

“Does this all make me sick? Yes. Does the thought of you touching her the way you touched me f*cking tear me apart? Yes. But, for the record, am I jealous? No. This is not jealousy. I don’t want what you have with her. I would never want something like that with you. And f*ck you, no, I’m not going to say her f*cking name.” I am crying freely now with no pretense that I can hold it together. “I want what we started to have. What we could have. I mean, am I crazy? Did I really make that all up?” I look at him and shake my head. I start to calm down because I recognize something in him. Something I saw during our last night at the hotel. “No. I didn’t. I can see that … I know you, Chris, and I know that you felt what I did, didn’t you?”

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to.

I’m right. He fell for me as I fell for him. It’s a f*cking hollow victory if ever there was one.

“But I can’t hate you, because you saved me. Without you, I’d still be a walking zombie. Being with you let me …” I look around the room trying to figure out a way to say what I want. Wading through words in my emotional state is nearly impossible. I have next to no idea if I’m making any sense, if I’m reaching him in any capacity, but I need to empty myself of this so that I can go on. “Being with you let me feel, feel everything, and I needed that. I remembered better with you, I healed better with you, and you made … you made everything real.”

I stop. Now I really understand.

“And that’s why you can’t ever be with me, isn’t it? I make everything too real for you. She doesn’t do that. She lets you push away what you want to forget. She makes it safe in the way that you need it to be. You clearly need to trick yourself into … I don’t know …” I am trying so hard not to go to pieces, but it’s a losing battle. “You need to feel normal, whatever that means. Lying to yourself? It’s like what James did. It will catch up with you. It will. I wish I could hate you because that would be easier. But I can’t. I understand that you have to do whatever you can to get through … through whatever happened. Even though I don’t know exactly what that is.”

He cuts me off. “That doesn’t matter. That part of my life is over. I will not look back.” Although his voice is firm, he is infuriatingly as calm as ever, while I am anything but.

“See? That’s exactly what I mean. You feel with me, the same way that I do with you. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. From the moment I saw you by the lake, you did something to me. You … moved me. And when you put your hands on me that day, you infiltrated every part of who I am, and we belonged to each other. Whether you want that or not. And when we were … when you and I were in bed, Chris … that last night … I could feel you, everything about you. That’s what you don’t want. I get how it feels when it’s too much. I couldn’t handle it then either, but I was willing to wait. We shouldn’t have slept together. It was the worst thing we could have done. That’s my fault, though. I take that responsibility.”

Now he is upset. Now his eyes are red. But he doesn’t break down the way I have because his protective walls are thick. “Don’t you dare say we shouldn’t have slept together, Blythe. Don’t you dare.”

I ignore him. “But if attaching yourself to her is what you need—if she’s what you need—to be okay, then I would never try to take that from you.”

He speaks softly, and each word stings to all hell. “She is what I need. We’re compatible, and it’s good for me. It’s what I can handle.”

“Compatible? Is that all you’re looking for in life? You don’t sound even like you’re following your heart.”

“Not every choice has to be governed by emotion.”

I wipe my eyes. Chris takes a step toward me, but I put out my hands and stop him.

“No, don’t touch me. I can’t take it. Please. I just can’t. I’m not going to see you again, I know that, but I can’t say good-bye to you. How can I?” I am so consumed with sadness, I can barely see. “How can I possibly say good-bye to the person I am so hopelessly, deeply, and permanently in love with? Because I love you, Chris. I do. I will always be in love with you, even though you’ll never love me back. You have been my sanctuary this year. You saved me. Do you know that? You saved me. And I wish that you would let me save you.” I don’t want him to have the chance to say anything else. I can’t bear any more of this. I walk to the door. “I really thought good things were coming for us, Chris. I believed. The irony here is that when you saved me, you made me strong enough so that I won’t go back to the dark world I used to live in. Even though you just ripped out my heart. Chris. Oh God, Chris.”

Despite whatever else has happened in my life, I have never felt this type of loss.

I look at him for what feels like the last time. “You are the great love of my life that I’m never going to have.”





CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR


Strong Enough


Even after what happened with Chris last night, I am still looking forward to the graduation ceremony. This is a hard day for so many reasons, but it is also a glorious one. I have started to rebuild my life. I have Annie and James, I have an internship, and I have a house to live in. I have a lot more than most people. Best of all, I still have Sabin, Estelle, and Eric. It’s going to be a horrible transition to not have their near-constant presence in my daily life. I’ve come to depend on them all so much, and I’ll have to remind myself that while I am losing them in some ways, I am holding on to them in so many others.