Left Drowning(25)

Oh my God. What is wrong with me?

The thing is, Estelle seems incredibly cool, but I am not interested in her. Or Sabin. Or any of the other hundred people in this auditorium. What I want is to feel Chris’s arms around me again. I want to go back to that day last month by the lake. Maybe minus the bizarre blurting out that my parents are dead and the flashbacks that left me defenseless in his arms. Or go back to that moment in his room when he pushed my hair out of my face, when his breathing became ragged. What I wouldn’t give to be able to rip off that button-down shirt of his right this second and feel his chest again… .

Not that I would know what the hell to do with him if given the opportunity to take off more than his shirt. I hardly have a wealth of experience to work from. It is probably better that nothing else is going to happen between us and that I am alone in this nearly excruciating ache. At least this way he never has to know how inexperienced I really am.

“Excuse me. Can I squeeze past you?” says a bleach-blond guy who stops at our aisle. “Sorry. Hey, Christopher, how you doin’? I know, I know. I’m majorly late.” He’s in a wrinkled shirt and jeans and is noticeably good-looking. He squeezes in front of us to reach the empty seat next to Eric.

“Reliably majorly late,” Chris jokes. He leans his head toward me, touching his arm to mine again. “That’s Eric’s boyfriend, Zachary. You’ll like him. Cool kid.”

It’s hard to think now, but if I don’t say anything, then he’ll pull away. I come up with an ordinary enough response. “How long have they been dating?”

“Since early last year.”

I turn my head a bit. Not enough to meet his eyes, though. My heart is pounding.

“It’s good that we all like Zach so much,” Chris whispers. “I can’t imagine one of us dating someone the others didn’t approve of.”

“You guys watch out for one another,” I say.

“Of course. Don’t you and your brother?”

“We used to. Not so much anymore.”

Chris pauses. “I’m sorry.”

I lift my chin to look at him. “It’ll get better. Someday. I’m starting to believe that.” I am way too close to him, but he is actually engaging me in conversation like nothing is weird between us, and I don’t want to lose that.

“Yes. It will.”

Although Chris is distracting, I eventually get pulled into Sabin’s performance. I may not know a ton about acting, but I do know that I enjoy watching him and that I laugh more than once. I’m disappointed when it’s over, partially because I’ll have to leave my spot next to Chris, but also because it has been such a pleasure to see my new friend onstage. Applause erupts, and I feel Chris looking at me as he stands and starts clapping. I glance at him. Damn, that little crooked smile of his is gorgeous. I rise from my seat and raise my hands above my head, clapping loudly as Sabin runs to center stage and bows. The Shepherd siblings whoop and yell, and their enthusiasm rubs off on me. I clap harder. Chris is screaming Sabin’s name, and Estelle starts whistling through her fingers as Eric climbs up on his chair. He reaches for Zach and then Estelle, bringing them up high, too. Estelle’s hand finds mine, and I am pulled up to stand on my seat next to her. I look down and hold out a hand to Chris. The rush when he places his hand in mine is nearly too much.

Sabin scans the room and sees us. He points at our group, beaming. His family goes nuts, and although I join in, I am painfully aware of the envy I feel about the obvious bond they have. I have nothing like this with James anymore. He barely feels like my brother, and I imagine that he doesn’t think of me as a sister. It isn’t normal, and it isn’t acceptable. I desperately miss him. I will try harder. Harder but without pushing. Whatever that means.

The houselights come on, and the auditorium slowly begins to empty. I can feel Chris standing behind me as we wait to move out of the aisle, and it seems to take an eternity before we are all gathered outside the building.

“Where the hell is Sabin?” Estelle asks. “He said he’d be right out after the show.”

“Probably figuring out which party to go to. He’ll be here,” Chris assures her.

I intentionally stand away from Chris and talk with Eric and Zach. I catch him looking at me a few times, but he doesn’t make any effort to move closer. Eric and I discover that we are both in the same English class, Love and Madness in Eighteenth-and Nineteenth-Century Literature. It’s an elective course that is open to both sophomores and upperclassmen, and it’s one of my favorites.

“So who do you prefer?” Eric asks. “The Marquis de Sade or Kate Chopin?”

I laugh. “Well, depends what day you ask me and how masochistic I’m feeling. And you?”

Eric grins. “I see you’re a girl after my own heart.”

“So, the Marquis de Sade,” we say together.

Zach shakes his head and puts his arm around Eric, rubbing his arm to stave off the now-cool October evening. “I think you both could do with a little less madness and a little more love.” He kisses Eric’s cheek. “But I’ll take the mad with the good.”

Eric groans, but can’t help smiling. “That was a tragic pun.”

“My loyal fans have congregated, awaiting my arrival!” Sabin blows through the group and lands next to Estelle. He has changed out of his costume into jeans, a T-shirt, and a leather biker jacket, but remnants of makeup still outline his already-dark eyes. He is flushed and buzzing in the afterglow of his performance. Or from the bottle of tequila in his hand. Either way, he is a firestorm of energy. “So? Whaddya think? Whaddya think? Blythe, you go first. Lay it on me. I was terrible, wasn’t I? You fell asleep? You were in a near coma and had to be revived with a kiss?” He raises his eyebrows in ridiculous exaggeration. “And I see you’ve been revived. Hmm… .”