It's a Christmas Thing (The Christmas Tree Ranch #2)(50)

“That sounds wonderful. And I’ve just got time before I need to go.”

Maggie helped her out of the gown and waited while Tracy dressed in her jeans and sweatshirt. Her gaze fell on Steve’s photo, next to the bed. “I still remember him,” she said. “I didn’t know him very well, but he was a real gentleman, and so good-looking.” She gave Tracy a knowing look. “You mentioned complications with Rush. Does Steve happen to be one of them?”

Tracy sighed as she laid the lavender dress carefully over the back of a chair. “I’m afraid so. But there’s more involved than that. With Steve, it’s a matter of when to let go and move on. And yes, I’m having trouble with that. But there are other issues, things I can’t change.”

Maggie gathered up the two remaining gowns. “Let me put these by the front door, where I won’t forget them,” she said. “Then we can go in the kitchen.”

“I’ll make a fresh pot of coffee,” Tracy said.

“That sounds wonderful.” Maggie strode back to the living room and laid the gowns on the chair nearest the door.

In the kitchen, Tracy started a fresh pot of coffee. “Come see the kittens while we’re waiting,” she said. I know you’re not a cat person. Neither was I until the little pregnant mother showed up on my doorstep.”

“Okay, but don’t try to give me one.” Maggie followed her down the hall to the laundry room, where they found Rainbow in the box, nursing her four kittens. “All right, I admit they’re pretty cute,” she said.

“It’s the white one Clara wants,” Tracy said.

“I know. Travis says that kitten is all she talks about.”

“Did Travis tell you why she can’t have him?”

Maggie shook her head.

“She can’t take the kitten home to Phoenix because Andre, her father, is allergic. And she can’t keep the kitten at the ranch because of Bucket.”

“Bucket? No way,” Maggie said. “I knew the man who gave him to Travis. Bucket was raised with an old cat who eventually died. They were best friends. Bucket should be fine with a cat. But the kitten would have to stay inside at the ranch. Coyotes, foxes, hawks, and owls would all be after him. And that white coat would make him an easy target.”

“Thanks, I’ll pass that on to Rush. Not that it’ll make much difference if Clara can’t stay with him.”

Should she tell Maggie what she’d learned about the loophole she’d discovered online? No, Tracy decided, the first one to be told about it should be Rush. “It smells like the coffee’s ready,” she said. “Let’s go sit down. I hope you like homemade sugar cookies.”

“I love homemade sugar cookies.” Maggie followed her back to the kitchen and took a seat at the table. “It smells like Christmas in your house. But it doesn’t look like Christmas.”

“Just call me Scrooge,” Tracy said. “I used to do a tree and hang lights on the porch, but after Steve died, I boxed up all the decorations and put them in the attic.”

“Maybe it’s time to get them down,” Maggie said as Tracy poured her coffee and put a platter of cookies on the table between them. “Surely Rush and Clara will be spending time here. Think how much they’d enjoy having a nice tree. And you wouldn’t have to decorate it alone. They could help you, or at least Clara could. She’d love that.”

“Yes, I suppose so.” Tracy stirred creamer into her coffee.

“You really should do it. I can see how much Rush likes you. I know he misses being part of a family, especially at Christmas. And this year, with his little girl here, you could make it special for them. Like family.”

Tracy could feel something crumbling inside her. “Don’t,” she whispered. “I know you mean well, Maggie, but just don’t, all right?”

Maggie’s lips parted in a little gasp. “Oh, no, I’m sorry, Tracy. Me and my big mouth. What did I say that was wrong?”

“Nothing, really. It’s not your fault.” Tracy felt the dam that held back her emotions giving way. “It’s just that . . . I can’t do the family thing with Rush. I can’t even go through the motions, pretending. It would be a lie.”

“I still don’t understand,” Maggie said.

“I know that Rush wants a family of his own. When I see how he is with Clara, I can just imagine what a great dad he’d be with his own children. But I can’t give him what he wants.”

“Are you sure?” Maggie’s hand reached out and rested on her arm.

“Steve and I tried for years to have a baby. Nothing worked. The doctors checked us both out. He was fine. The problem was with me and only me. Maggie, I can’t give Rush the family he deserves. I can’t have children.”

Maggie’s eyes were wells of sympathy. Her hand tightened on Tracy’s arm. “And you haven’t told Rush?”

“It’s never come up. There’s never been a good time. And I’m afraid that when Rush finds out, especially after my keeping it from him this long, he’ll walk away.”

“That doesn’t sound like the Rush I know. I certainly won’t tell him. But I think you should.” Maggie paused. “Do you love him?”

“I could if I let myself. That’s why I need to tell him the truth, even if it means losing him, which it probably will.”