International Player(48)
I grumbled into the pillow. The problem was I wanted someone who wasn’t Noah to be Noah. Someone who could make me feel the way he did. Wanted. Desired. Despite being a geek and not knowing what to wear or how to act in front of strangers. Noah seemed to like me despite all that stuff. Maybe even because of it.
“Lev just asked me to dinner. Again.”
Abigail groaned. “He’s relentless.”
“You don’t approve?”
“For fun? Maybe, but the guy is a player. And I swear most men below thirty have an emotional age of fifteen. Anyway, are you even attracted to him?”
I thought about it. He was attractive, there was no doubt about it. The last few years he’d discovered the gym and his success had brought confidence. And underneath it, he seemed to be a nice guy. “He brought you a gift. A book.”
“He’s a sweetie. Underneath. But is there chemistry?”
The only man I’d ever felt real chemistry with was Noah. “No, not really.”
“If you’d just met him, I’d say you’d need to go out a few times to see if any developed. I’m not one of these who believes it has to happen the second you meet, but you’ve known Lev a long time.”
“Yeah. I agree. I don’t want to date Lev.”
“And Noah?”
I tried not to tense in her arms. “What about him?”
“Has anything happened since the kiss? Is it just a coincidence that we’re having this conversation now, despite me nagging you for years about finding new interests and a boyfriend?”
I sighed and pulled away, then reached for my wine. “There’ll never be anything between Noah and me. I know he’s no good for me. I totally get it.” I turned the glass in my hand. “But I wonder if I’ll ever find anyone who is . . .”
Noah was always going to be a player, and he never hid his past. Brunch had only been upsetting because I’d been pretending to myself that I could handle casual when what I wanted us to be was special. “I think I’ve been spending too much time with him.” I glanced up before correcting myself. “You know, because of all of his help.”
“He’s quite flirty with you.”
I shrugged. “Maybe a little. But that’s his nature, right?” I just wanted to come out and confess everything—tell Abigail about the way I dissolved under his touch, how I liked that he listened to what I said, even when I got passionate about the craziest of things. And although I didn’t want to hear my sister’s judgment and scorn, what I was really afraid of was if she knew that we were having sex, she’d tell me I shouldn’t see him anymore. My head understood that already. It was just my heart pulling me to him. Even now. Even after brunch and me realizing how I was in deeper than I’d ever wanted to go.
“Maybe what you need to do is water down the effect of having him around. If he’s the only guy you spend time with, that could be dangerous, but if you were to get out and date more, perhaps your feelings for Noah would get weaker.”
That made sense, didn’t it? Because I wanted my feelings for Noah to lessen. That was why I’d agreed to casual sex. I wanted to overwrite what he’d meant to me with something less important. I wanted to be over him. “I went on that date with that guy you set me up with, but he wasn’t for me, and it’s not like I meet many new people at the office. What do I do, sign up with an agency? Or create a profile on Grindr?”
Abigail winced. “Well unless you have a pretty huge confession to make then I’m not sure Grindr is the right website, but online dating sounds like a good idea.”
“Why don’t I qualify for Grindr?”
“Urm, because you’re not gay and looking for a hot hookup.”
My cheeks burned in embarrassment. “Oh. You see? This is why I can’t date. There’s so much I just don’t know. I’d make a complete fool of myself.”
“You’re completely adorable. You need a man who will fall in love with you because you don’t understand what Grindr is, and one who’ll appreciate the fact that you know how many light years we are away from Mars.”
Now she was just being ridiculous. “On average, Mars is only one hundred and forty million miles away. It’s not measured in light years.”
“See? Adorable,” Abigail said. “I can see you with some professor type. Always carrying around books. Patches on his jacket elbows. You’ll have super-smart babies who you have to have by C-section because their heads will be so big.”
“Jesus. The way your mind works is crazy. You act as if you’re the dumb twin, but we both know that’s not true. You just got a lot of other stuff I didn’t.”
“We’re just different, Truly. And I love that you care about Mars and Keynes and Faraday and whatever else. It’s what makes you so special. We just need to find you someone who sees it, too.”
Someone like Noah who wasn’t Noah. Except I wasn’t sure I was completely ready to give Noah up yet.
“So online dating?”
She nodded. “Grab my laptop and we’ll take a look at what’s out there.”
Right now, as stupid as it was, I knew I couldn’t say no to Noah. Despite knowing he was bad for me, despite being disappointed in myself for feeling too much. Dating someone else might provide me with the strength to turn him away at some point.