In the Stillness(69)

“Yeah, well, the last few weeks have been busy. I moved out—”

“Sorry, Nat . . .” He places his hand on my shoulder and leaves it there a beat longer than I think he might.

“No, don’t worry about it. It was long overdue. Anyway, I’m also starting to teach some anthro classes at Mt. Holyoke, and I’ll start some at Smith in the fall, as well.”

As if his smile could get any bigger. “I’m really happy for you, that’s awesome. How’s Oliver?”

His question catches me slightly off guard. It still seems weird to be discussing children of mine with Ryker Manning.

“Um . . . he’s fine, but his hearing really seems to be fading fast. Any free time I have is spent studying ASL and I’m starting to use it a bit with him. It’s only been a month since his diagnosis, but I can tell he’s struggling . . .”

“You should bring the boys to the farm sometime, I’m sure they’d love it.”

I smile at his thoughtfulness. They would freaking love it. “Sure, that sounds fun. It’s a bit nerve-wracking taking Oliver places right now—since his hearing kind of fades in and out, I can’t trust that if he’s about to get hurt and I shout his name that he’ll hear me. He kind of needs to be shadowed all the time.”

Ryker excuses himself to help a customer while I study the produce in the baskets around my feet. He did this. All of this came from Ryker . . . Ryker. It starts to choke me up, when he comes back.

“Sorry about that.”

“No worries,” I smile, “you’re busy, that’s good. Listen, I actually came specifically to talk to you about something. I’d like to see your dad.”

Ryker swallows hard as he nods. “He’d really like that. You didn’t have to ask me first, you know.”

“I did, because I was wondering if you’d go with me . . .” I cast my eyes downward for a moment before I remember strict instructions from Dr. Greene to practice looking people in the eyes again. I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Nothing to be ashamed of . . . deep breath.

The only problem is, when I look Ryker in the eyes, my insides scramble. He’s the only person I’ve ever loved like that, and the only person who made me feel a loss I never thought I’d recover from. The bookends of every extreme emotion I’ve ever experienced sit right in those gorgeous, endless, blue eyes. The last bit of blue that remains in the sky before day bows to sunset—that’s where I’m staring.

“Of course I’ll go with you. Want to meet me there for dinner? Say, six?”

“Tonight? Okay, that sounds good. See you then.”





Chapter 34





With a long sigh and a fresh batch of butterflies clogging up my insides, I turn into Bill Manning’s driveway. I force myself to think of the good times I had here before the bad times creep in like a low, chilly fog. Okay, yeah, right there—right there—is where Ryker pushed me, and I fell. But, over there is where he swept me, literally, off my feet when he first came home, and we kissed like no one was watching.

I’m purposely a few minutes after six to ensure Ryker would already be here. I’m not really sure why; Bill and I spent loads of time alone together, even after Ryker came home. And, frankly, even when he was in the same room. All the same, I’ve only seen him once in ten years, and it was when I was eight months pregnant . . . and he told me Ryker was married.

Ryker raps his knuckle against my window, alerting me to the fact that I’ve been in a daze for a minute, or more.

“Ya comin’?” he asks as if this were twelve years ago. He’s smiling, but his eyes always give him away—he’s a bit nervous, too.

Returning a nervous smile, I get out and we walk up the stone walkway to the front door. My brain is greeted with an overload of sensory memories as soon as I step over the threshold into the entryway. Sitting on the floor in front of the door crying with Ryker, eating many Sunday dinners in the kitchen, and having sex up in Ryker’s bedroom swirl through my senses.

Wow.

A few blinks later I focus on a well-built silver-haired man with his back to me in the kitchen. As he turns around, my heart fills with so much joy I think it might burst. Bill greets me with the glorious smile he passed down to his son, and I stride confidently toward him.

“Natalie!” Bill claps once and meets me on the side of the island, pulling me into a bear hug.

“Hi Bill.” I squeeze as tight as I can and am surprised by the tears suddenly spilling down my face.

“God, it’s good to see you, Kid.” He holds me at arm’s length as I wipe my tears.

Dinner’s ready and we settle into our old chairs and enjoy a meal together.

After dinner, Ryker and I are cleaning up the dishes while Bill lights a fire in the fire pit outside. Ryker nudges my side.

“Go ahead outside and talk with him, I’ll finish up in here.” Honestly, I want to stand here and listen to Ryker’s voice all night. It’s sweet. It’s calm. And, I realize, it’s starting to sound like his father’s.

I shoulder up next to Bill at the fire pit. “Thank you for dinner, Bill. It was delicious as always.”

“Any time, Nat.” He smiles.

Focusing on getting to the point, with the encouragement of Dr. Greene playing in my head, I continue, staring into the fire. “Why’d you tell me he was married, Bill?”