In the Stillness(68)

“Anyway,” I continue, “the first night that they stayed back with Eric . . .” My eyes fill with tears and I reach for a tissue. “I just . . . I’ve fantasized about peace and quiet for so long, dreamt about being left alone . . . but when the TV was off, and the sun was down . . .” I’m in a full sob right now. “I’ve just never felt so alone, and I couldn’t take it.”

“How did it feel when you cut that night, Natalie?” Dr. Greene’s tone remains spa-like smooth.

“Awful,” I admit. “It felt so foreign for some reason. It was the first time it’s ever felt that way. I felt worse when it was over than when I’d started.”

“Have you done it since?”

“No.”

“Have you thought about it?”

“A lot.” I nod, rolling the tissue between my fingers.

“Now,” she shifts a little in her seat, which isn’t like her, “have you spoken with Ryker at all?”

Ah.

Dr. Greene knows more about Ryker than any other single person on the planet, apart from Tosha and me. She was the doctor my parents set me up with when they allowed me to return to Mount Holyoke. I had to see her regularly for my entire repeat junior year. When I told her last week, at our first session, that we’d run into each other after almost ten years, I saw a look on her face that I’m fairly certain wouldn’t pass as professional, but it made me laugh anyway. She seemed as relieved as I am that he seems to be doing well.

“I haven’t. He hasn’t called me, either,” I add for an unknown reason.

“Does that bother you?”

Yes.

I stare at her a while before I answer. I thought about calling him the next day, to thank him again for the night before. But, we said everything that needed to be said. Sort of. Then, I just had to deal with my life. Moving, coordinating therapies for Oliver, and contacting divorce attorneys has really taken up a lot of time. Admittedly, I’ve avoided the Saturday Farmer’s Market on the common because I just know he’ll be there, and apparently, I’m not ready.

“To be honest, it does. Maybe he’s just letting me figure things out. I told him I was going to get help.”

“Do you plan to call him?”

I shrug. “Probably.” I have no idea when, but, I miss him. I really miss him.”

A faint smile sprints across her face before she checks her watch. “Okay, Natalie, our time’s up for today. See you next week?”

“You got it. Thanks again, Dr. Greene.”

Stepping outside onto the busy Northampton street, I make the short walk back to my apartment. I was thrilled to clean out my storage unit, filling my apartment with everything that represents who I was and who I am. Tosha calls.

“Hello?”

“Hey lady. Do you have the boys this weekend?”

“No, I dropped them off with Eric this morning before my shrink appointment. Hey,” I pause, a second before deciding to go forward with my plan, “do you want to go to the Amherst Farmer’s Market with me tomorrow?”

I can just picture the look on Tosha’s face as she considers. After a short pause she finally responds. “Yep. I’ll pick you up at 8.”

“You better stop for coffee if we’re going that early,” I laugh.

“I think we’ll need more than coffee,” she grumbles before hanging up.

Tosha knows everything about the night Ryker was there, and Eric showed up. It certainly didn’t help her already shitty interpretation of Eric. Either way, she agreed not to go after him for being a total jerk.

By the time Saturday morning actually gets around to getting here, I’m thoroughly nervous. Ryker and I have already seen each other three times, but this feels different. It’s like I’ve been stripped naked in front of him. I need to see him on a day I’m feeling good and relatively put together.

“What are you going to say?” Tosha asks as we find a parking space.

“I’ll start with hi, I suppose.”

“You’re such a bitch,” she laughs.

“Well, Jesus, Tosh, we kind of put everything out there the last time we saw each other, and we used to sleep together. There’s not a load of mystery left between us.”

“True. All right, do you want me to, like, stand with you, or just pretend to be browsing herbs nearby?”

I think for a moment. “Herbs nearby.”

“Fine.” She rolls her eyes.

Walking amongst the stands on the common, I spot Ryker immediately. The thought of turning around is tempting. Very tempting. What if he said all he’d needed to say the last time we were together? What if I’m just going to cause more problems? I’m about ten steps from his tent and he spots me. His eyes light up and I can’t help but smile.

“Hey you!” Walking around the side of a table, he pulls me into a tight hug. I let out a breath I think I’ve been holding for ten years.

He smells the same. Every time, he smells the same.

“Hey yourself.” I smile and gesture toward his produce. “You look like you’re doing really well here. That’s great!”

Ryker shrugs, trying to be modest, but I can tell he’s really proud. And, I’m happy for him.

“I was wondering if I’d see you here.” His eyes catch mine and I feel a twinge in the center of my chest.