In the Stillness(12)

I don’t envy her. Not one bit.

With that, I slide into my car and press my head against the steering wheel.

Not one bit.





*

“So, what’s next? What happens now?” I asked him between thick kisses on my dorm bed.

The past week had been non-stop dinners, kissing, and sex. Studying filled in what little blanks there were. It was like we were trying to drink ourselves full of each other before the drought.

“Tomorrow we say goodbye, then I train in Texas for a few weeks, then we go.” Ryker ran his nose along the outside of my ear and whispered, like he was telling me fairytale; a bedtime story that I could wake up from.

“I don’t want to tell you goodbye.” I blinked some tears away. He pulled his head back when they hit his cheek.

“No tears tonight, all right? I want to see you smile. You have a gorgeous smile, Nat.”

Of course, that made me smile.

I kept my smile and wiped away more tears. “Will you be able to call me?”

“I think so.” Ryker slid his hands up my shirt, dragging his lips behind them.

Stop talking about it, Nat. Enjoy this.

He just needed me that night, the September 10th Natalie, not the Military Girlfriend Natalie. I was happy to give it to him, but suddenly felt nervous—as if it was our first time. I quickly shook those thoughts away and realized I needed to capture every sensory memory of him that I could before he went off to war.

Fucking war.

“Do you have to go back to your dorm tonight?” I asked, sitting up on my elbows.

He laughed and pulled off his shirt, “No, Nat, I don’t have to be anywhere for the next twelve hours.”

“Yeah, you do.” I took of my shirt and pulled him back down on top of me, “Right here is where you have to be.” I reached between us and unzipped my pants; he sat up on his knees and did the same.

When he positioned himself between my legs he shook his head before kissing me. “Damn, you’re fine. How did I get so lucky?”

“You kissed me the second we met.” I let out a long sigh as he slid into me.

Ryker moved in and out of me slowly, but kept talking at first.

“That was ballsy of me, wasn’t it? Man,” he moaned, “you feel so good, Natalie.”

I left my eyes open and watched him close his eyes tightly while he bit his lip. I loved him. I realized it in that second. I can’t be sure if I would have felt the same thing at that precise moment if he wasn’t about to head to war; but I felt it anyway. It was now or never.

I grabbed his face and pulled up from my neck. “I love you, Ryker.”

He smiled with his eyes first, then it traveled to his mouth. “I love you too, Natalie.”

“Make love to me all night. Don’t stop, okay?”

His arms flexed on either side of my shoulders as he moved faster. “I wouldn’t dream of stopping. Not now.”

And that’s just what we did.

The rest of it is a painful blur. With a kiss, Ryker slipped out early in the morning and told me he’d see me later. Tosha checked my makeup as I prepared to drive to see him off. Ryker’s dad, who I’d met a few times since he lived in the area, offered to drive me, but I politely declined. If I was going to hold my shit together to say goodbye to Ryker, I needed a safe place to bawl my eyes out when it was time to leave.

“Remember,” Tosha said, placing a hand on my shoulder, “don’t fall apart, okay?”

“Tosh . . .” I rolled my eyes, we’d been over this.

“You’re both going to be scared shitless, but neither one of you can let the other one know. He’ll be brave for you, you’ll be brave for him, and that’s how you’ll leave things. Just trust me, okay? That’s what my uncle said it was like when he left my aunt during Vietnam. You’re strong for each other. That’s it.” It was the most serious string of sentences to ever come from Tosha Danbury’s mouth.

“You better have wine and cupcakes for me when I get back.” I tried to joke, but we just stared at each other.

“Of course. I love you, Nat. You can do this.”

I can’t tell you how I got there that day. I can tell you that my dress was red. And that I never wore it again. I gripped the wheel with all my might and drove until my car stopped at the place I was supposed to say goodbye. There was no band, no parade, and I felt far less glamorous than the World War II women I’d seen in pictures.

I spotted Ryker’s dad first; he seemed to be waiting for me near the entrance.

“Ready, Kid?” he asked, wrapping my shoulders into his arm.

We really were just kids.

When we walked into the large hall, I was nearly brought to my knees at the scene. Families. There were families everywhere. There was laughing, but mostly crying and hugging; apparently an overwhelming amount because I didn’t realize I’d stopped in the doorway.

“Come on, Hon, I see them up ahead.”

Them was Lucas, his parents, and who I gathered to be his grandparents, a woman I recognized from pictures to be Ryker’s mom—who lived in Wyoming—and then, Ryker. It was the first time I’d ever seen him in fatigues, aside from pictures, and as soon as his eyes met mine and a smile forced its way across his face, I lost it. I didn’t crumple to the floor in a heap, but I simply couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face.