In the Stillness(9)

“Wow, his name rolled off your tongue easy enough.” Tosh was present for the period when I couldn’t even hear his name without a meltdown. “Maybe your brain, like, knew it’d been ten years or something.”

“Maybe.” I sigh.

“Are you going to go to the cemetery again? I’ll come with you if you do.”

“I doubt it,” I lie.

She nods. “Okay. Well, if you do—”

“I won’t. Trust me. Yesterday was more than enough.”

We sit in silence until our food comes. Suddenly, I’ve lost my appetite, but I pick at my salad anyway.

“Are you so ready to have the school year end?” I ask Tosha, breaking our silence.

“Ugh, you have no idea. I can’t wait to teach some higher level classes—the freshmen are such self-righteous twits.”

“I’m sure we were nothing like that.” I wink, she laughs. We’re back.

Tosha teaches biology at Mount Holyoke. She loves to hate it; that’s why I love her. She smokes to be difficult.

“Certainly not,” she mocks in a faux-snooty tone.

For a fleeting passage of time, we’re two seniors, giggling about when I’d met Eric—a hot guy I met randomly on the sidewalk, and subsequently spent a week stalking on Myspace. I finally gathered the nerve to call him.

Now, here I sit, at the extended end of that phone call.





Chapter 5





“How are we going to afford this, Eric?” I smooth out my dress and glide some cherry gloss over my lips.

Eric couldn’t wait to surprise me with dinner at The Lord Jeffery Inn. Situated along the Amherst common, it’s one of the finest dining places in the area. I’d been there a few times with my parents during college, and once with Eric’s parents, but this isn’t somewhere we’ve come on our own dollar.

“I told you, one of the visiting professors saw how hard I was working. He asked what I had going on at home, and when I told him I had a wife and twins he gave us this night out.” He takes my hand as we head up the stone stairs. “He has kids, too, and knows how hard it is to do what we do and have a family at home.”

“He’s got that right. Wow, the renovations they did are gorgeous.” I squeeze Eric’s hand as the hostess leads us to our table.

Dinner is perfection. After my hard cry yesterday, and lunch today, I feel fully present with Eric for the first time in a long time.

“How’s your food?” Eric asks as he sips his scotch.

I grin. “It’s excellent. How’s the scotch? It’s been a long time since you’ve had anything good.”

“It’s great.” He smiles and holds his hand out across the table. I grab it and rub my thumb across the back of his hand.

“I’m sorry for the past few days, Babe.” I take a deep breath, “The boys have just been extra challenging lately and, honestly? I can’t wait for kindergarten.” I hold my breath and wait for his reaction, as the “kindergarten” bit sort of flew out there. He smiles.

“Natalie, I’m sorry. After the day I had with them yesterday, I can’t believe you haven’t gone crazy by now.”

Ha.

“I appreciate you saying sorry. I need you around more, and that’s just the bottom line, Eric. I’m not cut out to be a full-time mom—I never was. God, that sounds awful.” I sit back in my chair and finish my second glass of wine.

“It’s not awful, Nat,” he pauses when he calls me Nat and I shrug, waving him on, “it’s honest. You’ve always been honest and that’s why I fell in love with you.”

He’s right, that’s why he fell in love with me. My honesty . . .

*

“Third date with Fluid Mechanics, huh?” Tosha puckered her lips and kissed my cheek.

“He has a name, Tosha.” I laughed.

“Sorry. Third date with Hottie-McEric?”

“Yes.”

Eric and I had been out twice in the two weeks since he chased me down on the sidewalk and gave me his number. After seven days of sufficient Myspace stalking, I decided to call him. We went to Judie’s on our first date and sat at a table overlooking the bench where we first met. It was supposed to be funny, but I realize now that both of us were full-on committed before we even finished our first conversation on that bench. The second date we watched a baseball game at UMass under the lights.

“What are you two going to do tonight?”

“Casablanca is playing at the Amherst Cinema. Neither one of us have seen it, so we’re gonna check it out.”

“Has he kissed you yet?” Tosha took a while to get to her favorite question.

“Not yet,” I shake my head, “he’s a total gentleman.”

I didn’t miss the flicker of bittersweet that crossed her face. She knew better than to compare Eric to Ryker; she never tried, she just knew there could never be a comparison sufficient enough.

I met Eric at his apartment and we walked hand-in-hand to the Amherst Cinema.

“I was thinking,” Eric slightly tightened his grip as he talked, “you’re a year older than me.”

“Yeah, and?”

He shyly bit his lip. “I’m a year ahead of you in school.”