I'm Fine and Neither Are You(72)

“Okay,” he finally said. “I’ll tell you.”

I had to stop myself from shuddering—it never did get easier, finding out how you were coming up short.

“I need you to stop worrying I’m going to leave you.”

“I don’t think that,” I said quickly.

He shook his head. “You do. I think that’s why you haven’t been more critical of me all these years, and I’m sorry I took advantage of that and coasted. Our life has been way harder than it needed to be and that’s on me. I knew I wasn’t bringing in enough money and that you felt trapped.”

“I didn’t feel trapped,” I heard myself lying. “Trapped is a strong word. Stuck, maybe.”

“Exactly. You gave up so much to care for our family while I played ostrich. Is it any surprise you didn’t really want to sleep with me? Hell, I wouldn’t have wanted to sleep with myself.”

“Still, I could have done more. As you yourself pointed out, marriage is hard work, and I was buying the lie that it should have come easy.”

“We both could have done more. But I need you to know that I’m not going anywhere, Penny—not unless you want me to. That’s not going to change just because you tell me you need more from me.”

“Oh,” I said quietly. “Is that why you sailed through my list? You’ve been acing one request after another.”

He nodded. “I hate to bring up Christina, but that scared me, Penny. That, plus Jenny’s death—I knew something needed to change.”

“But why didn’t you give me all three items sooner? Why the mystery?”

“No mystery,” he said, shaking his head. “It seemed like you and I both needed to tackle a lot of other issues before we came to that . . .”

“My fear of being abandoned.”

“Yes,” he said without hesitation. “And I wanted to give you more time to heal after Jenny’s death. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d ever bring it up. But after your conversation with your dad, I felt like maybe you were ready.”

I had turned to the windshield. Outside, the world was such a blur that it took me a moment to realize my eyes were filled with tears. “You could change your mind,” I said quietly. “It happens all the time.”

“Penelope.” He put his finger under my chin and gently turned my face toward him. “You left me all those years ago, remember? You were afraid of the same thing then, and you wanted to beat me to the punch. I don’t fault you for it—I can’t begin to imagine how hard it was to have lost your mother the way you did. But in spite of your fear, you came back to me.”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“You were probably still terrified when we started dating again. But you did it anyway, and you married me, and we started a life and a family together. Why was that?”

The storm was so strong that I could no longer see through the glass. I unbuckled my seatbelt and crawled onto his lap.

“Because love was worth the risk,” I whispered.

“It was.” He pulled back so he could look at me. “I want us to be us again, Penny. Don’t you?”

“More than anything.”

“Good,” he said. Then he pressed his mouth to mine and kissed me tenderly, the way he used to.

The way he did now.





TWENTY-EIGHT

Matt called me the night after Sanjay and I returned from New York. “Hi,” he said stiffly.

“Hi,” I said. I was so relieved I could have fainted. “I’m sorry about our last conversation.”

“I am, too.”

“How’s Cecily?”

“She’s good. I took her to Maine, like you suggested. It . . . it was a really good trip.”

“Oh.” That he had taken my advice almost made up for the heartbreak of thinking he was going to keep Cecily from me for the foreseeable future. “I’m so glad to hear that.”

“Would you like to see her?”

“You know I would.”

“Great,” he said. He sounded tired. “Do you think you might come over soon—say, tomorrow night?”

“I’d be happy to.”

“When you do, could you spare an extra fifteen minutes?”

“Sure. Why?”

“I was hoping you could put up the post we talked about. I could send you the link and the log-in info, but I thought it might be easier if I just logged you onto the site on Jenny’s computer when you’re here.”

“Sure—that sounds great.”

“Thanks, Penny,” he said. “We’ll see you soon.”



When I walked into the Sweets’ house, Cecily came flying at me and I hugged her tight. When I was sure I wouldn’t cry, I held her out to look at her. Her hair was a bird’s nest, and her outfit was filthy, but she was smiling. In fact, there was a buoyancy to her that hadn’t been there the last time I saw her.

“How was Maine?” I asked.

“Good.” She grinned up at me. “I ate a whole lobster.”

“A big one, too,” said Matt. I could tell he was trying to act normal—but then again, so was I. “She surprises me sometimes.”