I Want You Back (Want You #1)(48)

She mumbled something about dick-punching the douchebag.

As much as it sucked to tell her this, Lucy had a right to know, since this dude’s “advice” had been a catalyst for bad changes in my life. “Camp ended, the season started and he said we owed it to ourselves to live large during the season. And we earned our reputations with nonstop parties, booze, bunnies. It didn’t occur to me until later that I was the only friend from our team that this man had.

“About two weeks after you gave birth to Mimi, a birth I complained about missing, he told me I could be a father after my hockey career ended. He gave me this spiel about our bodies being in prime form and we owed it to ourselves, our fans, our teammates, our club and the world to focus solely on hockey. After we retired, then we could be the husband, father, son, whatever role we’d neglected during our glory years. He pointed out that kids don’t remember anything from the first five years of their lives anyway. So even if I ignored my daughter for a few years, the money I made being a franchise player would buy me back into her good graces. And I ate that shit up. It remained my mantra for the next six years. It wasn’t until my counseling sessions in rehab that I understood what a narcissistic motherfucker I’d been, believing all would be forgiven once I started throwing money around. So yeah, I’m fully aware that time lost can never be replaced but money lost can. I’m trying to make emotional restitution.”

“When did you start to do that? Because even before you hit bottom or whatever, the times you had custody of Mimi here in the Cities, you pawned her off on your mom and dad or Nolan. You might’ve had our daughter for a few weeks, but you weren’t spending that time with her.”

“She told you?” I groaned. “Christ, that hits me where it hurts. She was like . . . four.”

“Wasn’t like she tattled. And I didn’t demand she tell me how you two spent every minute of every day. She just expressed disappointment that you weren’t around as much as you’d promised.”

“I was drinking heavily as soon as the season ended. Since I didn’t have a house here, I crashed with my parents. They doted on Mimi and me, to some degree, leaving me alone to brood and drink while they did the activities with her that I was too drunk to do. Nolan called me out on it, and I was a total dick to him about it. I managed to keep up the appearance of being a good father when we attended Lund family functions. Wouldn’t want my other family members to see how seriously I’d fucked up my life.”

“Jax.”

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head and she let me. “I hate telling you this, Luce. I hate that I was that guy. I can assure you that I’m not that way anymore. I’ve grown up, sobered up, wised up, but actions speak louder than words. I’m hoping going forward you’ll judge me on the actions I’m taking now, not what I’d gotten away with for so long.”

She adjusted her body and looked up at me. “You don’t consider buying the top floor of this apartment building and remodeling it with the intent to move in and keeping it a secret from us . . . a douchebag move?”

“Maybe a little.”

Those beautiful brown eyes continued to bore into me.

“What?”

“No excuses?”

“Nope. I should’ve told you. And Mimi.”

“Level with me, sport. You didn’t just buy the top floor. You own the whole building, don’t you?”

I fought a blush and lost. “Yeah. In my defense, real estate is always a good investment.”

She snickered. “There’s a Lund excuse. ‘It’s just good business.’”

“And it’ll be good for Mimi. We’re both here.”

“Kinda renders the ‘she needs a cell phone’ argument moot, doesn’t it?”

“Hey. I had nothing to do with that.”

“I believe you.”

I brushed her hair from her forehead. “Thank you.”

“For?”

“Talking to me. Listening to me. Being far more reasonable about all of these changes than—”

“You thought I’d be?” she supplied.

“Yeah.”

“You weren’t the only one who had to make personal and lifestyle changes, Jax. There were things about myself I didn’t like either. Tendencies and traits I’d be embarrassed for my daughter to witness. Up until tonight I thought I’d done a good job keeping our interactions friendly. On an even keel.” Her chin wobbled. “I guess I proved I can ‘go big’ when I fuck up.”

“When we hit the boiling point, babe—look out. It’s always been like that for us.”

“I know. We still don’t allow ourselves much time for a cooling-off period, do we?”

For just a moment, her eyes darkened and I could almost see the memories flying through her mind.

Fighting over everything because we needed an explosive moment as a catalyst to break down both of our walls. Then immediately we were climbing through the rubble to get to each other.

Did it make me an idiot to hope that tonight we’d leveled some of the walls between us? When I knew we still had several more obstacles in front of us?

Lucy’s eyes searched mine. “Jax?”

I cleared my throat. “We haven’t decided how we’re going to deal with Mimi.”