I Want You Back (Want You #1)(46)

“Are you afraid you can’t be supportive?”

“Maybe. I’ve never excelled at anything. That’s not me fishing for a compliment. I’m just making an observation that while I know it takes hard work and dedication to become an elite athlete, I’ve never seen what it takes from the beginning.”

“You’re putting the cart before the horse. There’s no guarantee she’ll love it to the point she wants to devote her life to mastering it. It may end up being a fun outlet for her, nothing more.”

“Was it fun for you?”

“Without question. Even a shitty day in the rink was better than a day not being on the ice.”

“Be honest, Jaxson ‘Stonewall’ Lund. Do you really believe there’s a chance she’ll suck at this?”

“That’s less likely than her hating it because she’s my kid and everyone will expect more out of her than they would other kids, and the pressure will be too much.”

“You’ve seen this happen with your hockey buddies’ kids?”

I paused. “No, actually I saw it with my cousin Ash. His dad—my uncle Monte—was a basketball phenomenon. Broke all kinds of state high school records, and like LeBron—years and years before LeBron—he opted to go straight into the NBA right after high school. He didn’t last more than a few years, but he talked about it so much that from an early age Ash was determined to be a basketball player. And he was an outstanding player, on track to be better than his dad. It confused the hell out of everyone when Ash refused to try out for any college hoops program during his senior year of high school. He told his family that he’d had enough and he wanted to prove to himself that he had other skills besides ballhandling.”

“Wow. I had no idea.”

“It’s not something he talks about. But the same thing could happen to Mimi. She likes it for a while, has some success and decides it’s not for her and she wants to explore other options.” I sighed. “Look. We can go round and round with this speculation, but it’s pointless to dissect potential outcomes until she takes that first class.”

“Okay. She’s got my support to give it a try.” Lucy turned her head and looked up at me. “Promise me we’ll keep a united front.”

“I promise.”

“Promise that you won’t get super annoyed with me if I ask a bunch of newb questions.”

“I promise.”

“Promise you won’t hide her injuries from me, no matter how inconsequential you think they are.”

“I promise.”

“Promise that you’ll—”

“Lucy. Stop. I give you my word that I’ll never shut you out. We’re partners in this parenting gig. Remember?”

“I remember.”

The way her gaze searched my face, she seemed to be trying to remember a lot more. “What?”

“Sometimes Mimi gets this look in her eyes that is so you, Jax. And then she stands a certain way and it’s you all over again.”

I waited.

“You’ve been out of her daily life for most of her life, so it’s been easy to forget she gets half of her DNA from you, and easier yet to consider her just mine. But you being here now . . . I’m grateful. She needs you. And that’s a phrase I never thought I’d say.”

Keeping quiet was my best option, but I felt fidgety. I pushed a hank of glossy hair over her shoulder and skimmed my hand down her bicep. “It’s one I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you.”

“I’d convinced myself I could fulfill both parental roles, given the fact my mother had done that too. But I can’t.” She paused. “The real truth is I don’t want to.”

“You shouldn’t have to. But that’s a moot point now.”

“I know.”

“I never wanted you to compare me to your dad—although I realize there are similarities between our actions.”

Lucy lowered her head and pressed her cheek into my chest again. “Are we really ready to talk about our past?”

That anvil in my belly took another sharp turn. “I am. If you’d like to get resituated—”

“No. This is better.”

Because she wouldn’t have to look me in the eyes while we talked.

“So where do we start?” she asked quietly.

“With my apology. Again. And again, and again, and again.” I plucked her hand off my chest and kissed her knuckles. “Christ, Luce, I don’t know if I can ever say sorry enough times so you’ll ever believe that I mean it every single time.”

“Jax—”

“And I don’t know that I ever said thank you for setting aside our differences and listening to me when I told you about my time at Hazelden.”

“That surprised me.”

“What surprised you? That I acknowledged my problem with alcohol and sought help? Or that I told you I’d spent six weeks in rehab?”

“Both, actually.” She paused. “Right after Annika hired me at LI, Nolan came to see me.”

My gut clenched. “Did he give you a heads-up about the changes in my life?”

“No. He apologized for being a tool and said that he never should’ve blindly believed things you told him about me.”