I Married a Billionaire: Lost and Found(31)

I took a deep breath. For some reason, hearing her say it was just too strange. "I don't think he's been…bad," I said. "He's just preoccupied. I'm pretty low-maintenance anyway."

"But you're sticking by him through all this. You're trying to help out. And all he can think is that you might…"

I looked at her. "I might what?"

She shook her head vigorously. "Nope, nope, I swore not to tell you. I'm sorry. I should have just kept my mouth shut. It's stupid, it's a silly little irrational fear that he has and it doesn't have any bearing on reality and I'm not allowed to tell you - I'm sorry, I just can't."

"Please," I implored, leaning towards her and lowering my voice. "I need to know - if there's something I can do, anything, if I can just know why he's acting the way he's been lately. It's almost like he doesn't remember that we're really together, you know? Like we're back to just being…a fake couple." Now that I said it out loud, I realized how true it was. All this time, I'd been carrying around the insecurity that came from the fact that our relationship had started as a business arrangement.

"He's just trying to protect himself, that's all," said Lindsey. "He's just trying to…look, if I tell you this, you have to promise me you won't take it badly. And for the love of God, don't tell him I told you."

"Of course not," I said, my heart thudding in my chest. "I just want to know. Any hint of what he's thinking. I don't have a god damn clue and it's driving me crazy."

"He's afraid," said Lindsey, softly. "That's all. He knows you were only with him, in the first place, because of the money. And I think there's still a part of him that thinks…it's not just you, either. It's everybody. He always thinks it's about the money, that it couldn't possibly be about him. He thinks he's not worthy of people's attention on his own, and it's always been that way, ever since he first started making enough money to wear nice clothes and drive nice cars. He's neurotic about it. He only tells me about it because I'm his sister. I'm required to care about him whether he's a billionaire or not."

She smiled, briefly. "But Maddy, I swear to God, it's not about you. It's not that he thinks you're gold-digger, or anything like that. But all of his previous relationships eventually ended with him pushing them away because he couldn't convince himself they really cared about him. I mean, he might have been right. Who knows. But I know you're not like that, and I think he knows it, too. But he's having a hard time convincing himself."

I bit my lip. "That…makes sense, actually," I said faintly.

"But really, I don't think there's anything you can do. You're already being so supportive, or trying to at least. But if he's not letting you in, that's all it is. He's just trying to keep you at a distance. He does it to almost everybody. I know it must be painful as hell, believe me, but I think it might just be something you have to weather for now. When all this is over, and he looks and sees that you're still by his side, I think he'll realize how silly it is. But there's too much going on inside his head right now. He can't see things clearly."

It did make sense. It made perfect sense. Back when we were first "dating," before our fake marriage and long before our relationship became something real, I'd said something about wanting to remain friends, and he'd acted like I was just saying it out of obligation. Like I couldn't possibly want to be friends with him just because of…him. But after all this time, I would have thought he'd have gotten over that - just a little.

I could sort of understand why he was still afraid, though. He'd given me a lifestyle that was difficult to walk away from. Some people might have been able to talk themselves into staying, even if they didn't have feelings for him, just for the money.

I wanted to think he knew me well enough by now, but that wasn't really true, was it? In some ways, after all this time, we still hardly knew each other at all.

"Thank you, Lindsey," I said. "I promise I won't tell."

"I know you won't, honey." Lindsey leaned over and gave me a sideways hug. "Just hang in there, okay? Things are going to get a hell of a lot easier once all this calms down."

"Yeah, but how long will that take?"

Lindsey shrugged. "I don't know, really. But eventually, things just sort of get…normal. You'll adjust to the stress. You both will. Once the whole thing is finally over it'll be like letting out a breath you've been holding for months and months. But that doesn't mean that every day leading up to that has to be painful."

"You sound like you have some experience."

"Not quite the same thing," she said. "I took someone to court once. But, I know the feeling, sort of - it's just like this long nightmare and you start to feel like you're never going to wake up. But eventually, you do. You wake up, and the world hasn't ended like you thought it would. Everything's just sort of…carrying on, so you start carrying on with it, even if you don't feel like you know how anymore."

"Thanks," I said, leaning back on the sofa with a long, deep sigh. "It’s good to know I’m not losing my mind."