Hudson(108)

Panic streaks down my spine. How much digging until she discovers the truth?

“That’s right. I’ve been through all of the books Celia sent. I’ve been to see Stacy. And Norma. I’m collecting my own facts. Don’t you think it would be better to tell me your secrets than have me find them out on my own?”

“Alayna, stop digging.” I step toward her. She’s a smart woman. If she tries hard enough, she’ll figure it out. And it will destroy her.

“You’re protecting Celia again, aren’t you?”

Is she so blind to not see? “Celia’s not who I’m protecting.”

“Who then? Yourself? Me?”

I’m close now to telling her—telling her everything. Because I hate that she doesn’t understand. How can she not understand how much my past will hurt her? How I want to save her. And, God, I don’t think I can.

She has to go. For her own good. Before she pushes me too far. I grab her at the elbow. “You need to leave, now.”

Alayna winces like she’s just gotten the wind knocked out of her. Like I’ve just knocked the wind out of her. It’s unbearable to see her like this, tears spilling down her cheeks. “Shutting me out again. Like you always do. Hiding behind your thick walls.” Her pain is palpable. “What’s the point of me even fighting for you if you’re never, never going to let me in? Who are you protecting, Hudson? Who?”

It’s the end of my rope. I can’t let her believe that I’m not fighting just as hard. For her. “Yes, you, dammit! I’m protecting you. Always you.”

Then, because I can never tell her in words the way I feel, I have to tell her with my body. I crush my lips against hers, tasting her, devouring her. I’m so goddamn desperate for her kiss—because I have to tell her how I feel. Because I need to feel how she feels about me.

It’s only meant to be a kiss. Or it’s not meant to be anything because there’s no thought involved. But when she wraps a leg around mine, when she tilts her hips against me, rubbing against my hard cock, then I have no choice but to continue. She’s like a roller coaster ride. Once you get on, you’re there for the whole ride.

And so I ride.

I spin her toward the couch and remove her panties. My fingers stroke inside her cunt. Christ, she’s wet. She’s always so f**king ready for me. I have my pants down and my cock out before I have a chance to second-guess myself. With my fingers gripped around her hips, I thrust in. Hard.

I drive into her, over and over, chasing not only my orgasm but the answers to our shitty situation. Her back is to me, her face hidden. I can’t watch her like this. I close my eyes. It’s reminiscent of so many other f**ks with so many random women. This used to be my favorite position. It’s so wrong to be with her this way. But I’m too vulnerable right now. I can’t be with her in any other way without losing every semblance of control.

Except Alayna won’t let me simply use her. She knows what we need better than I do. At least, she does in this moment. Or maybe she’s just stronger than I am, more willing to be that vulnerable, that exposed.

She twists toward me, clutching onto my shirt. At her touch, my eyes pop open. She locks her gaze on mine, and that’s all it takes to bring me back. Back to her. I steady my drive, and her * clenches around me. Then I’m coming with her, crying her name like it’s an S.O.S. Hoping beyond hope that she can save me. Save us.

I collapse on top of her, holding her, breathing with her in unison. They’re short minutes that pass, every second of them precious. I don’t think I can ever let her go.

Eventually, I try. I step back, pulling out of her. But immediately, she’s in my arms, and my lips are pressed against hers. I hold her in place, our mouths sealed in an immobile kiss. This is it, I know. My decision is about to be made, and even though my stubborn walls won’t let it be made solid with words and declarations, it’s forming in the center of my mind, sitting on the edge of my tongue.

I can’t lose her.

When we break apart, Alayna wraps her hands around my neck, seemingly as desperate to hold onto me as I am to her. “Oh god, I miss you. I miss you so much.”

“Précieux…mon amour…ma chérie…” I run my hands down her face, memorizing the touch of her skin, the curve of her jaw. Will this be the last time?

It can’t be the last time.

“When are you coming home?” she asks, bringing us back to reality, back to the things we have to deal with.

I lean my forehead against hers. I’m exhausted. So tired of this game. “I have to go to L.A. for the weekend.” I check my watch. “I’m set to leave in about twenty minutes, in fact.”

“Part of your big business thing? With Norma?” There’s no hint of jealousy in her question. Just a need to know.

I slide my nose along hers. “Yes, with Norma. And after this, if all goes well, we’ll be done.” I want to invite her to come with me, but it’s too risky. If Celia were to follow us across the country…

No, I have to keep her here. Safe from ruining this deal that’s almost done. Then, after this, after I know I’ve gotten Celia off Alayna’s back. Then…

I can’t even say it in my mind. Because once I voice the decision, I know there’ll be no going back. This first, this deal. And then…that.