Hudson(105)

So I don’t begin to think I can fool her now. “I f**ked up, Mirabelle.” That about sums it up.

“What did you do?” Her voice is low and tense, and I momentarily regret saying anything. Not because I’m not willing to share but because I’m worried about stressing her out.

But it’s out now. I don’t have to say everything, but I have to say something. “I lied to her.”

“And she found out?” She doesn’t ask the details of my deceit, which I appreciate.

“Yes. She found out. But there’s more I haven’t told her, more I need to say.” I’m surprised that I’m spilling my soul so easily. And it feels good. All the build-up, I think I’ve been desperate to talk to someone. Since I’d never initiate a conversation, I’m suddenly grateful that Mirabelle did.

“Okay.” She takes a breath that’s deep enough I can hear it through the line. “So you need to tell her, but you haven’t?”

“No.”

“Because you’re afraid of…what?”

“Losing her.” Just saying the words makes my throat tight.

“But you won’t know that unless you tell her. Will you?”

Isn’t that the question of the decade. The question of my lifetime, actually. It’s been four days since I declared we needed time. Four nights that I haven’t buried myself inside her, haven’t felt her clench around me, haven’t fallen asleep to the sound of her rhythmic breathing. Four days and nights—it feels like forever. And still I don’t know what I should do.

I realize that time is not going to give me any answers. It won’t be away from Alayna that I’ll find the strength to make this choice.

I’m quiet too long. Mirabelle says, “Your silence leads me to believe you aren’t going to.” Her disappointment is heavy in her tone.

“Not true. My silence is only a product of not having a response.”

“Well, then.” She pauses, and I can sense her wanting to say more. Finally, she says, “Do you want my advice?”

“If I say no, will you refrain from giving it anyway?”

“Probably not.” She considers. “Definitely not.”

“Then by all means, go ahead.” I shoot a glance toward my liquor cabinet, wondering if it’s too early to spike my coffee.

“I’m not going to ask what you’re keeping from her.” She’s pacing; I’m sure of it. She likes to walk as she lectures. “If it’s something you don’t want to tell her, I’m sure it’s not something you want to tell me. But, I know that you could tell me anything, and I would still love you. And not just because I’m your sister. And though it’s hard to admit this, I kinda get the sense that Laynie loves you even more than I do. She chose you. Out of everyone out there who she could love or who could love her, she chose you, Hudson. I have to believe she sees that thing about you too. That thing you think doesn’t exist. That thing that makes all your bull worth it. And if she sees that, if she loves that as much as I think she does? Then I don’t think there’s anything you can say that will make you lose her. Even if it’s the ugliest secret of all time.”

“Even if it’s the worst betrayal you can imagine?” Her sentiment is pretty. But it’s na?ve.

She pauses, and I know she’s preparing for more of her happy-ever-after spiel. For once, Mirabelle surprises me. “Did I ever tell you that I cheated on Adam?”

“Uh, no.” I’m hoping she doesn’t tell me now.

“A long time ago. Before we were even engaged. I slept with another guy.”

I’m shocked. Mirabelle has always been the picture of loyalty and commitment. “I don’t know if I want to hear this.”

She plows ahead anyway. “I was stupid. But it was really shitty. I mean, he knew the guy. They were roommates in their undergrad program. And we were serious at the time—Adam and I. I just…I don’t know. It was stupid. I did something stupid. And for stupid reasons too. I wanted to get Adam’s attention. Can you believe that? Well, it sure got his attention. Also, almost lost me the love of my life.”

“Mirabelle…” I’m not sure what to say.

“No, no, it’s fine now. The point is that fidelity is important in any relationship, but even more so for Adam because his previous girlfriend cheated, and, well, that’s a whole other story. Anyway.” She huffs into the receiver. “Cheating is the ultimate betrayal for him. And we worked things out. It wasn’t easy, but here we are. So, yeah, I believe forgiveness happens. Even in the Pierce family.”




I’m still stunned. I’m also not convinced my situation with Alayna is anything like Mirabelle’s. For one thing, anyone who doesn’t recognize my sister is the catch of a lifetime is crazy, no matter what her sins. But I’m moved by her confession. “Thank you for telling me that. It does give some perspective.”

“Hudson, don’t just smile and nod and then dismiss everything I’m saying.” God, she knows me too well. “Because here’s the other thing. Lies like those? They grow. They grow between you like big black holes. Pretty soon you can’t see each other through the darkness. And that part of you that Laynie loves? She won’t be able to find it anymore through the cloud. In other words, you can tell her the truth and give her the chance to prove she loves you anyway. Or you can let the lie grow until she leaves you because she doesn’t know who you are anymore. It may be just me, but I think you have a better shot with the truth.”