How to Save a Life(71)

“Oh my God,” I moaned, clutching at the blanket, trying to anchor myself against his deep thrusts. A warm, throbbing glow began to build in me. Evan took up my other leg. Now I was folded in half, both my calves resting on his shoulders. Evan sank even deeper inside, his hands planted on either side of me, holding his weight. It was exactly what I wanted. It was nothing I could have imagined.

“Too much?” he managed to gasp. “Tell me and I’ll stop.”

“God, Evan,” I breathed, clutching his neck, my nails digging into his skin. “It is too much and don’t you dare stop.”

He let go then, threw it all off. I slipped beyond reality, into another dimension where only sensation existed. No thoughts or coherencies, only the rapidly increasing movement, gasping breaths, growled curses and whimpering cries. His body so powerful against mine, and so deep. I threw back my head and came harder than I ever had in my life—a rolling wave, thunderous in the black backdrop of my eyes. My arms stretched over my head, fingers clutching the warm sand beyond the edge of the blanket.

Evan was close behind. He drove into me, slick with sweat between my raised legs, opening my bent body to him. He grunted through clenched teeth, then let out a guttural sigh as he emptied himself into me with a few final thrusts.

I opened my eyes. Evan was hunched over me, the sun outlining him in a halo of gold. Still inside me, he eased my shaking legs to the ground. Sweat meandered along the bronze planes of his back and his hair stuck to his nape.

I felt him come down, come around in a daze. He pushed up on an elbow to look at me, his hungry, almost feral expression softening.

“No way you’ve never done this before last night,” I declared, breathing hard. “No chance.”

He laughed and wiped his sweat-and-river dampened hair from his eyes. “Not really something a guy’s going to lie about.”

“Then you’re a natural.”

“No, it’s just you.”

I sat up, blinking in a sort of daze myself. “How did we end up like this?” I asked, indicating our nakedness. “I was pissed. And scared. And then…”

“Life or death,” Evan said. “Being close to death makes us appreciate life and drive toward things that make us feel alive. Like sex. Sex makes you feel alive.” He flashed me a smile. “Doesn’t it?”

I didn’t smile back. “Were you close to death under there?” I jerked my head at the river. “I felt like you were.”

“In a manner of speaking. Holding my breath for so long, not taking in air, not feeding my body? That’s a kind of death, isn’t it?”

I shivered despite the growing heat of the day. “Is that why you do it?”

“No. I don’t know.” Evan turned to watch the river. “The Native American legends say in dreams, the spirits of the dead can communicate with you. Guide you from the other side. Being close to death brings you closer to them. You can hear them better when you’re close.”

“Do you believe in that? Native American legends about guiding spirits? Is that…why we’re on this trip?”

I tried that one on for size in my own mind. It didn’t make sense but it didn’t not make sense either. This whole journey felt like that: a crazy race toward some mythical ‘center’ that no sane person would go along with, while at the same time it felt like exactly the right thing to do.

He turned to me, naked and beautiful in the sun. “Maybe. I don’t know, Jo. The only truth I have is that it’s for us. Everything I do is for us. For you. Is that good enough for now?”

“I guess so,” I said. “For now.”

“Thank you, Jo. For trusting me.”

“I do trust you. With my life.”

And that was the truth, and I sucked in a breath as the utter distinction between how I felt with Evan and how I’d lived with Lee struck me.

“What are you thinking about?” Evan asked.

“Nothing,” I said. I gave myself a shake. “Not something you probably want to talk about at this particular moment, anyway.”

Evan pulled to him and I lay down with him on our blanket, my head pillowed on his shoulder. “Tell me. Whatever you want to say, you can say it.”

“It’s not pretty. Maybe not the time or place…”

“Tell me, Jo.”

“I was thinking about Lee.” I felt Evan tense beneath me. I smiled a little. “Told you.”

“No, go ahead. I want to hear it. I want everything you give me.”

“I was thinking how different I feel with you. He made me feel worthless. So did Jasper…

“You are not worthless,” Evan said roughly. “The very last f*cking thing you are is worthless.”

“I know I’m not. Not anymore. And not because you told me, but because you give me the strength to believe it for myself,” I said, running my fingertips over his chest. “You make me feel beautiful, Evan. And whole. And alive. All that old, tired pain from Jasper, and the new pain of my time with Lee…When I’m with you, it disappears.” I lifted my head to look at him. “How do you do that?”

Evan shook his head slightly. “There’s no mystery, Jo. I love you.”

I felt the soft warmth of those words strike my chest and then sink in. “You love me?”