Hosed (Happy Cat #1)(38)

I saw what happened.

The Dildo-pocalypse in the square.

It made the news all the way over here. My new boss is going to flip out if he realizes I’m the “idiot American” who thought starting a sex toy business in a small town was a good idea.





* * *



Cassie: Hold the phone and wait just a second. What are you talking about? What new boss? You’re the boss!





* * *



Savannah: No, you’re the boss, an arrangement we both agreed to when I decided to run away from home. But it’s okay if the operation fails, Cass. I seriously don’t mind. I’ll just quietly go bankrupt and start over.





* * *



Cassie: No one is going bankrupt! That’s what I’m texting about. I’ve got an idea that might save the company! Maybe even make it more profitable than ever before!





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Savannah: That’s great. As soon as you start making big bucks, I’ll sign the entire operation over to you so you can reap the rewards of your hard work. Until such time, however, we should keep everything in my name so I don’t drag you down into the gutter with me.





* * *



Cassie: No one’s going to the gutter. We’re going to the playground.





* * *



Savannah: You lost me… But in a weirdly appropriate way since I happen to be at a playground right now with the adorable little girl I’m nannying. Kids love slides, Cassie. Like…LOVE them a ridiculous amount.





* * *



Cassie: Well, of course they do. What’s not to love about a slide? And you’re a nanny? How on earth did that happen? Have you ever spent quality time with children? In your entire life?





* * *



Savannah: No, I haven’t. Not even when I was a kid. I was always working or hiding out with you in my trailer because we were the weirdos from the South who didn’t fit in with the Hollywood elite.

I’m sad that we missed so much slide time.

I feel especially bad that you missed so much of it on my account. You should have been able to run wild and free, big sister, and slide to your heart’s content. Do you hate me for stealing your childhood?





* * *



Cassie: You didn’t steal my childhood! Lol. Don’t be crazy. I had a great time on set with you. Well, most of the time, except that summer I farted in front of the stunt double I liked after eating too many burritos from the food truck.

And I never would have learned to code if I hadn’t been in L.A. They didn’t have summer coding classes in Happy Cat back then.





* * *



Savannah: They still don’t, do they?





* * *



Cassie: Hmmm… Maybe not. That’s something I should check into. These kids need a leg up on getting with the times. Though they are a creative group. The rules this group of teen girls just texted me for Dildo Football are hysterical. I’ll have to call it something different in the app, though. Give it a snappier name, add in some extra levels, maybe a dildo doing a touchdown dance when you score.





* * *



Savannah: What are you talking about? Do you have a fever? What’s all this talk of frolicking with dildos? Not that I don’t approve, you know I do, but you’re giving me whiplash.





* * *



Cassie: I know, I’m still a little uncomfortable with it all, but it’s how I’m going to save the company! I’m going to gamify your advertising by making a Sunshine Toys app packed with mini games, special coupons, and in-app purchases. We’ll make it fun and sparkly, just like you, and appeal directly to your younger consumers. Looking at Ruthie May’s data, you’re missing nineteen to twenty-five-year-olds, which is HUGE.

And I realized, after I thought about it, that if I didn’t know you personally, I would have no idea that Sunshine Toys exists. Which is sad, because I would want to know. I would want to know that there’s this amazing, sex-positive, body-positive, woman-and nature-positive company out there that wants to help me discover all the ways my body can experience pleasure.





* * *



Savannah: Oh my God. You did it, didn’t you? You had sex. With Ryan O’Dell!





* * *



Cassie: No, I haven’t. But that reminds me! Three questions! One—do I have your permission to create a Sunshine Toys app and spend approximately twenty-five percent of your marketing budget to get the word out about our fun new toy?





* * *



Savannah: Knock yourself out. It’s not like things can get much worse.





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Cassie: Yay! Two—are you comfortable with me staying at your place a few extra weeks? I already worked out a remote working arrangement with my boss and I shouldn’t have a problem juggling both jobs. I’m not due to work lead on a game for another six months.